Can You Turn My Black Roses Red's blog: "tired of being what you want me to be"

so yeah...maybe I can't just walk away no matter what claims I make to the contrary...maybe I just care too damn much...and it'll be the downfall of me...or maybe people will take a look...and see the fact that I care...and maybe then I won't be crucified every time I try to help...if I didn't give a shit I wouldn't look...I wouldn't even try...and no...before you even try to say it...I don't enjoy anyone's grief...look at my life and everything I've been through over the years...do you really think that after the hell I've been through I'd enjoy anyone else's?

ok...so here's another one of my rants...and its only cuz I wasn't allowed the chance to defend myself and my friends...I'm sick and tired of people actin like they know me when they don't...you only know what I chose to tell you...that doesn't mean you know shit about me and my friends...that doesn't mean you know shit about my life...why attack me when I stuck up for you? yes I understand that when you're hurt you tend to lash out at people...but wtf was the point in making peace with me just to turn around and twist the knife that you had already plunged into my back several times before...then again...wtf was the point in me giving you yet another chance to do so...I gave you the benefit of the doubt...I believed that you were sincere this time...I should have known better...that's why you wouldn't tell her to contact me when I asked you to...you didn't want me and her to become friends again...and the second I did...well...I became the enemy again...yes alot of stuff happened...and yes we all said things to hurt each other...but when the time came to make peace that should have been the end of it...instead of dragging up old hurts...and trying to destroy things all over again...just cuz you lost doesn't mean everyone else has to...I'm glad that we're all moving on...its just a shame that we have to move on without you being a part of our lives...you were a good friend when you weren't worried about hurting others...I hope that someday you can turn that around...I won't be here to see it...and I'll probably never forgive you this time...but I already told you that...

I'm not removing my previous blogs...why you might ask? just because I want them there as a reminder to myself and others...I've made peace with myself and others...but I still want to remember what happens when I trust too much or I care too much...and I want people to realize that I'm not the same lil pushover I used to be...I will stand up for myself this time around...and I won't rely on other people to do it for me...I love all of you...and hopefully there will be no cause for any further problems or drama...have a happy valentines day everyone...I'm celebrating my 1 month anniversary with my bf...go us!!! lol

yes I went and looked at a certain someone's page again...I can't help it that I still worry...so before I get attacked and called a cunt yet again...I apologize...no matter what happened between all of us I can't just turn off my feelings like that...you guys meant something to me for a while...you were all special people in my life...and if that makes me guilty of being a stupid bitch...a cunt...a "wiccanwhorebag"...or whatever else you want to call me to cut me again...then so be it...I really don't care about your opinion on me...I just wanted to be sure that you were ok...but I guess it just doesn't matter anymore does it...good luck in your futures...I'll try to ignore my better feelings towards humanity...and treat you like the nothing you want to be and portray yourself as by your hateful actions...stay off my page and I'll stay off yours

I think this is a case of the pot calling the kettle black...cuz uh yeah...when i check i see two certain people as viewing my page and my blogs...amazingly enough the one person is the first one to read them even before my girl bethie...that's pretty bloody amazing

sorry that I showed concern for someone else...I'm not miserable...nor am I anywhere near unhappy...i have a wonderful bf who adores me now...there's no lies...no cheating...no sneaking around...no betrayal...however in the words of Sarah McLaughlin..."I'll leave you with your misery a friend who won't betray..."...however I'll leave you in your tower...where I hope you rot alone and despairing...I won't be looking at your page anymore...have fun in your own personal hell :) Have a terrible lonely life!!

Prison gates won’t open up for me On these hands and knees I’m crawlin’ Oh, I reach for you Well I’m terrified of these four walls These iron bars can’t hold my soul in All I need is you Come please I’m callin’ And oh I scream for you Hurry I’m fallin’ Show me what it’s like To be the last one standing And teach me wrong from right And I’ll show you what I can be Say it for me Say it to me And I’ll leave this life behind me Say it if it’s worth saving me Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me With these broken wings I’m fallin’ And all I see is you These city walls ain’t got no love for me I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story And oh I scream for you Come please I’m callin’ And all I need from you Hurry I’m fallin’ Show me what it’s like To be the last one standing And teach me wrong from right And I’ll show you what I can be Say it for me Say it to me And I’ll leave this life behind me Say it if it’s worth saving me Hurry I’m fallin’

ya know what...this is an open fuckin community...if I want to check on someone who used to mean something to me...that's my bloody right...not for somebody who didn't give a shit about anyone else's feelings to call me a bitch...I honestly don't give a flying fuck as to your opinion of me...and honestly someone with as much of a fucked up past as this person has no right to throw stones...I don't throw them at you...refrain from throwing them at me...and if you dislike me looking at your pages so much...fuckin block me!! and grow the fuck up while you're at it

so lately I've been revisiting my past...its kinda odd...just when I think I'm over a past issue something comes up and reminds me of it all over again...I'm sorry that I could never be what a few people wanted of me...I'm not a slutty person by any means...I don't play boyfriends along and hurt them...I try to hurt as few people as possible...and if that means that I'm bound to get hurt everytime...then so be it...this poor heart can take a few more breakings...I just hope that people come to their senses and see what is in front of them..."every step that I take is another mistake to you...and every second I waste is more than I can take..."