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Maestro's blog: "Personal"

created on 05/02/2010  |  http://fubar.com/personal/b332007

Finally got a good night's sleep last night, so good that I actually started to think today (watch it, I think sometimes, I'm smart and stuff lol) and this is what I came up with.

I want to be 16 again, knowing what I know now. I know, everyone says that once in a while but I really mean it, and I'd give anything to make it happen. Here's a few reasons why.

1) When I was a kid, we were able to buy U.S. Savings Bonds through the public schools every week. From the first grade to the tenth grade, I bought a $25 bond every 2 weeks. The school year was 225 days long so needless to say I had 1125 savings bonds with a face value of $25. Another thing about the original E series bonds was that there was no maximum amount of interest they could have earned, where todays EE bonds do have a maximum. Hard to say what the value would have been when I graduated high school but I'm estimating it to be in the neighborhood of $30,000. More then enough for 4 years of college back when I was 18. Well, if I was 16, I would have been able to stop my drunk step-father from cashing them in to pay for his boozing, and would have been able to achieve my dream of being a music professor at UMich and a possible fill-in conductor for the DSO (Detroit Symphony Orchestra). That thieving drunk stole my dream and my money for college forcing me to apply to the U.S. Coast Guard Academy and, while a career with the Coast Guard was fulfilling, rewarding, and made me extremely proud to have served my Country, it just wasn't my dream.

2) I never would have got involved with my first wife, not even to pummel her with snow balls all winter long and terrorize her. She tunred out to be one that simply liked to fuck anyone with a dick. She truly screwed up my younger life. I was only married to her for a short time, but from that I got nothing but an ulcer and a strong desire to be assigned to operational units so I was away from home a lot.

3) I never would have had anything to do with my second wife in any aspect. When we first met, she gave me her phone number but I had lost it. Knowing what she is really like, I never would have tried so hard to remember the number. Unfortunately for me, I remembered, I called, and she fucked up my entire life with lying, being two-faced, and pretty much dealing me a psychological abuse that has taken me 10 years to finally get over.

4) I would have told my mother to get fucked. That's right, I said that. She was the one that told me to go after my first wife because she was cute. She was the one that told me to go after my second wife becuase she was a nurse and made lots of money. She was a mean, vindicitive, grudge-holding, bitch. I don't know if she came by this personality naturally since my grandmother was pretty much the same way, and I know it's not very repsectful or nice to speak of your own mother like this. But my grandfather raised me, not her and my step-father, and my grandfather taught me to always tell the truth, even if you know it's going to hurt someone you care about. When you know it's going to hurt, you find a way to tell the truth and lessen the hurt, but you still tell the truth.

5) I would have pursued a relationship with a very special, and beautiful women I had met right after high school. She was 2 years older then me (20, I was 18) but we had much in common, some differences that we both wanted to experience together, and more then that, we truly loved each other. The best part of our relationship was that each of us chose to be with each other. There was no outside pressure from parents or friends, we found each other. My mother didn't like her one bit though so it she directed me to someone else. I hate my mother for that, even 10 years after her death. I wish, to this day, I could find Sandy with the hopes she wasn't married or otherwise seeing anyone, but I know that will never happen.

These are just a few reasons why I want to be 16 again. It's not something I dwell on, or hold regrets for the way my life turned out. That would just make me very bitter and angry and I'm not like that. I also know I can never achieve that dream of mine, or any other one I might have. I'm long past the happening. I have made a couple good friends and for that I"m very grateful. At least my life isn't completely lonely. Those few friends have brought joy and fun into my life even through heartache.

If there's anything I can pass on to anyone, including my children, is that let nothing or anyone, stand in the way of your dreams. Find out what it will take to achieve your dreams, set up short term goals towards that dream, and never waiver from that path. Life is too short to live it unhappy as I have done. A couple of ironies have occured over the years that kind of equal things out. First, my mother died alone, something she went to great lengths to make sure I lived my life that way. Second, my step-father's death was extremely painful and lasted over 6 months. I take great comfort in knowing he felt some amount of pain he inflected on me. Third, my first wife is pretty much friendless, and has had a miserable life. My second wife now looks exactly like her late father looked which is pretty bad for a female. Plust her two best friends for almost her entire life no longer talk to her because of what she did to me, and are now in fact best friends with me. My life may have been far less then ideal, but have made a few friends in the recent past that opened my eyes and have made my life just a little easier to take.

Time for me to hit the wound clinic to try and figure out why my leg wounds aren't healing. If anyone knows if there's a way to take my essence and put it into a new body, please let me know. This body has just about seen it's days.   :)



 

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