Trust
=====
Trust not that your partner will never make a mistake or never hurt you.
Trust instead in their commitment to you, that they will do their best
*not* to hurt you, and that if and when hurt occurs they will do their
best to help you heal.
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The "true" way
============ ==
It irks me when I see someone referring to themselves as a "true"
master or, talking about their way of doing things as being the "true"
way. Often if someone doesn't agree with them or live up (or down) to
their standards then they accuse them of not being serious or not being
"true" submissive's or "true" slaves or "true" BDSMer's.
There is *no* "true" way and there is no universal master; i.e. one size
*does not* fit all!
If there is indeed a true master it is the one who recognizes his
limitations and who strives to overcome them. It is the one who admits
that he errs and will recognize when a relationship is a "poor fit". It
is also the one who talks and shares with others--neither holding back
on sharing what he has learned nor denying that, at least in some areas,
there are others who know more than he and from whom he can learn.
A phrase that a submissive or slave--particularly one without much
experience-- might hear from a false "true master" is, "don't tell anyone;
it's our secret". This always reminds me of pedophiles and other abusers
who try to hide what they know to be dishonorable. If you meet someone
who says this to you in regard to some activity he wishes to perform
with you, run--do not walk--in the general direction of as far away
as possible.
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Structure
=========
Submissive's and slaves respond best within a structured environment. This
has to do with knowing what is expected of them, what is going to happen
to them and what their dominant or master intends when they do or say
something.
Examples:
o - use the same implement when punishing a submissive or slave and never
use it for any other purpose (e.g.. for play),
o - use the same words each time you want the same action or behavior
from your submissive or slave. Variety is nice, but it can also confuse,
o - give the day-to-day life of your submissive or slave structure by
assigning them regular and demanding tasks, duties or responsibilities,
Within a regular structure a submissive or slave will learn to respond
automatically and with growing confidence and trust in their master.
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What's the point of ritual?
============ ========= ======
Let's assume that there's a submissive who likes to please. What use is
it for the dominant to give them rituals?
o - Does it provide a range of actions and behavior in which the
submissive feels secure?
o - Does it provide the dominant with a framework for knowing when
to apply discipline?
o - Does it give the submissive an outlet for their desire to serve?
o - Does it serve as a reinforcement of the submissive's "place" (in
the order of things)?
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Pain
====
Let me suggest that pain, in the BDSM context, has six uses:
1) To trigger an endorphin "rush",
2) For expiation of guilt,
3) For training or conditioning,
4) For discipline (i.e.. punishment),
5) As a tool to trigger submissive feelings or a submissive mind-state,
6) To please a sadist (by inflicting it), or a masochist (by receiving it).
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Blindfolds
==========
Blindfolds have a few uses:
1) They make the submissive feel more vulnerable because they can't
see what you're preparing to do to them,
2) They can help the submissive to relax and give up control because
they have to accept that they can't see what you're doing,
3) The remove distractions (e.g.. light),
4) Because the submissive is "detached" from reality, to some extent,
by the blindfold it's easier to build fantasies and fears about
what is happening and what is about to happen.
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Slaves
======
Those who will not reason are bigots,
those who cannot are fools,
and those who dare not are slaves.
--George Gordon Noel Byron (1788-1824), [Lord Byron]
So, what's the difference, or differences, between what "we" call slaves
and what Lord Byron called slaves?
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Negotiation
===========
When preparing for any BDSM activities make up your mind about what
is acceptable to you *before* you start. Communicate this clearly to
your partner.
One of the problems that *does* occur, even just with vanilla sex, is that
once the hormones start flowing or your state of mind starts to change
as you get involved (think: sub-space), it can be very difficult--if
not impossible-- to make rational decisions about acceptability.
Maybe you should make it part of the negotiation before you start that
what is agreed at that time is not subject to change during the scene.
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To please one's flesh lasts but a moment,
to touch one's soul lasts a lifetime...
