RaGE PDP's blog: "Thoughts...."

Why is it so hard for me to trust someone? I want to believe everything everyone says or does, but find it more difficult each minute. When someone says they love you, do they mean it or are they just saying it because they think you want to hear it? When someone says "I got your back", do they mean it? When someone smiles at you to your face, then talks shit about you behind your back, why do we keep these people around? I've been a very trusting person here the past few weeks. Morning trusting than I should have ever gotten. I feel now that someone is waiting in the shadows to jab the knife in my back and everyone else is waiting to turn it just a little bit. Eventually, the wound with be a gaping hole and I will bleed out. I really feel that I should return to my former self and keep everyone locked out of my life. If that recourse takes place, many people will get hurt, and I will have no remorse. It's fucking hilarious what one man will do once driven to a breaking point. Sometimes it's violence, sometimes it's not. I just thank whatever "higher power" there really is that I'm not a violent man.

Again, as I write this, I have much on my mind. I had a rather intimate conversation with someone very close to me tonight and I feel as if I might have pushed them away slightly. I've discussed things that I swore to myself that I'd take to the grave with me, however, I felt a huge weight being lifted from my chest. I feel closer to this person than I have ever felt to anyone. I myself feel slightly scared inside as I feel this person might grow distant to me in the days ahead. I worry. The person I speak of also shared secrets buried deep within themselves. I fear that they feel I have been pushed away. I have not. I feel that this person's ability and willingness to share such things with me is a sign of deep trust and faithfulness in me as a person. I shall not fail or betray this trust. My committment to this person's honesty, will, and soul will keep them safe from anyone having the spoken carnal knowledge that was shared tonight. I only hope for the same from them. I hold a place in my heart for this person now. No matter our future, they will always be with me. I will never let this person leave the sanctity of my heart. I find it amazing that such a brief period of time has passed and my feeling toward this person has grown stronger with each minute. I can see in my mind a bright light embossing this person's face for eternity. A star in the sky, forever you will shine. I am making public committment to them now. No matter where life takes us, I will be there when you need me most. I will be there when you fall. I'll pick you up when you're knocked down. You have my promise of faith, honesty, loyalty, and respect forever. A path entraveled, we'll discover together with love and friendship. You have me forever indebted to you and you know why. I am yours forever. Now, I must wait. Wait for a sign of mutual trust and feeling. I'll wait with great patience until they are ready for me. When such a sign appears, I hope to feel overwhelming joy and happiness. Such bliss can only be dreamt, but I dream that it can be real. -Sean