Armando Hubby to IxLOVExMILITARY UH's blog: "Thoughts"

Losing myself Have you ever felt that you are losing yourself? I've been here seven years now, and I feel there's a part of me that I'm losing. It's weird, I get up in the morning look at myself in the mirror, and I see someone that I don't know anymore. I knew who I was, and where I came from. I mean when I was the young airman, it was speak your mind and you'll get things changed or at least find out why we are doing the things we are. Now it's come to the point where I just play the game of shut up and color. Something I never thought I would ever do. It seems to be getting worse, the longer I stay here, the more time they have to make me into one of them. "A yes person" okay come on, you know what a "yes person" is everyone has them. It's the people who suck up to the big shots in the work place. That's something I don't want, but I'm finding myself doing. Before I would just say "fuck that!" and now it's more of "yes sir I'll get right on that" I could put all the blame towards, work but I know it's not to blame, even though I think I spend most of my time there. Sure I think a part of me did die when my grandfather passed away. In fact I know for a fact a part of me did. Now it just seems...I don't know it hard to explain. But with everything else going on in my life, I'm just losing it. My world has finally came crashing down around me. So I guess no matter what, we all lose ourselves along the road we travel. It's just do you take a look around and try to find yourself, or do you just keep walking? Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

Why is it that you've been on my mind lately? I mean it's not like we've talked in a few years. I know which Amanda it is. And this is really pissing me off. Will you please get out of my head. I'm trying to move on with my life, and yet you still pop in my head. It's not even right, or fair. It's not like you were the Amanda that actually had my heart. I mean, yeah we were engaged, but that's it. And it was a short engagement. Look you've told me to leave ya alone, and well I've been nice about it. I haven't emailed you or anything else, so why can't you get out of my fucking mind. This is really pissing me off.

You know I've been thinking of some stuff, mainly friendship. You see one of my friends, well I don't even know if we are still friends or not. But anyways, she's the kind of friend that wants to talk every day. Me I define friendship as, someone being there for you, it don't matter if I've talked to you yesterday, 5 minutes ago, or hell 13 years ago. You see one of my high school friends got married last weekend. I was suppose to go to it, but couldn't do to the fact I had to work. Aww...the military gotta love it. But I do have friends that live in Panama City, that I don't talk to on a daily basis. Yes we do play the catch up game, which for me is really nothing new to talk about. Yes I would drop everything for a friend, done it before. Gave up sleep just so I could go to a friend's place and help them out with a problem they were having. But the thing is don't get mad at me, when I decide I want to have my own life. You know, you can't really get mad at me, if you don't leave a message on my cell phone or even text me, that you need help. Not a mind reader you know. Sorry wasn't suppose to be this kind of a blog. It's just I wished her a Happy Birthday, and now I'm waiting to see what she does on mine. It's just if we are friends, don't expect me to talk to you everyday. Really there's nothing new in my life, I get up go to work, come home and get on the computer. Yeah, exciting life but hey it's what I do.

Okay myspace is starting to piss me off. First off someone hacked into my profile it got fucked up. And they sent out a stupid comment about Target. And I get a comment from one of my friends to change my password, so I did. Then everyone else kept saying I need to change it. I posted a bulletin for all them to read. But then I go and change my settings after what I thought I got everything taken care of. My profile to where I want it again, added a few new things. But I have my profile where you have to know my last name or email address to request the add friend. Well I took that off, oh big mistake. Man, after I did that all these porn sites wanted to be my friend. Gees don't they check shit out on there. At least here you have to request to be on that porn site friend list...lol. But really myspace is just pissing me off, I keep getting so much spam mail it's not even funny any more.

And so ends a friendship.... Where do I start? Hell I don't even know. I've tried to figure this out. Tried to write it, and yet I get a few sentences in and decide to delete it. I'll probably do that to this. I guess I should of ran away alot sooner then I did. But yet I stuck around. Don't even know why really. The more I spent time with her, the deeper I got. And well it does suck, to hang out with someone that you know you can't be with. But yet I still put myself in that situation, in that pain for just that little hope that maybe, just maybe we could be. She knew how I felt about her, and yet she did nothing about it. She should of said something you know. Yeah I know she'll say I didn't lead you on did I. As soon as she told me about how he was treating her, I knew I had to walk away. Really, what would you have done if you were in my shoes? Me seperated from my wife, you in the military and us hanging out cuddling, staying over. Then I tell you all the wrongful things she does, and spill my soul to you. Then after a while, she starts to open her eyes, and starts being sweet again. Would you stay, or would you have walked away. So see this ain't something that just came up. It's for the best but I guess she can't see it. Hell I told some of my friends, what was going on, and most of them told me to walk away. She's right about something, you can't help who you have feeling for, and you can't make someone change them either. I did tell her I would still be her friend, I just wouldn't hang out with her. Then she got all bent out of shape about that. Really, I don't know about you guys, but I don't cuddle with my friends, I don't go in there bedroom and watch movies, or sleep in the same bed as them. I'm not in the room, when they are changing either. And she expects me to come over. WHAT THE FUCK! Why would you want someone to keep coming over, after they already told you how they felt? And you tell them that it's friends or nothing. And yet when I choose nothing, she got all pissy. Then she brings her son into it, saying what am i suppose to tell him, that armando can't be friends with us no more b/c of her husband. I told her I don't know what to tell him. Hell I know now, you can tell him I'm busy or I'm working nights now. What would you have told him, if I found someone else? I'm sorry, but if I had found someone else, did she honestly think I would be spending time with her and him all the time. No, I don't think so I would be with my girl. Unless my girl was doing her thing, then I would probably be with my boys. So really I'm still kind of confused why she got all bent out of shape about me not wanting to hang out with her. And just cuz I'm quite, when I am over there don't mean nothing. Maybe I just don't have nothing to say. I guess she thought she knew me, only after 5 months. . Hell some of my closest friends, don't even really know me. And those that do know me, know not to keep pressing an issue. If I tell you I'm fine and I don't have anything on my mind then don't keep asking me. Leave it alone! It's better this way, but I guess she doesn't believe that. And so a friendship ends...

Well as you know my grandfather passed away. It's been about two weeks now, it hurts. There are days I'm fine and then there are days where it hits me hard. Last Wednesday was one of those days. I was hoping to hang out with one of my friends, but she had plans already. So there went that idea of having someone to talk to about it. Work still doesn't know about it. Maybe I should tell them. But I feel that if I do then it's admitting that my grandfather is gone. I'm still doing the out of sight out of mind thing. Thinking it's not real. Maybe that's the reason why I don't want to go home to Atlanta or to California. Then I would be admitting that he's gone. Lately I've been crying at night b/c of the hurt I have. The missing feeling I have. I finally talked to my mom, since this happened, yesterday. She told me that my grandfather is laid to rest and that my Uncle Steve didn't want to help out with the arrangements. I don't blame him I wouldn't want to either. I don't know how my dad is taking it really. In fact I've never seen my dad express real emotion. I've became that way myself till this happen. I was on the phone to one of my friends when my cell went off and my mom told me. I was crying when I hung up with my mom. Crying on the way to my friends place. A trip that normally takes me about 30 minutes to drive if that, took me an hour to get to her place. My oldest sister Michelle, is going to have a memorial service for him on our birthday.This year my birthday is going to suck. I don't even think I want to celebrate it really. I feel guilty b/c he would always ask me when I was coming out to visit him. And I would just say I don't know, we'll see maybe soon. And well soon wasn't soon enough, I'll never beable to celebrate our birthday together again.

Have you heard that song All Good Things, by Nelly Furtado? Well it’s a pretty good song I think. I know you’ve heard the expression all good things must come to an end. So at last all good things have come to an end for me. You see I was sort of dating someone. Or would you call it hanging out with her. You know I’m going with hanging out, b/c that’s what we did. Yes we did go to dinner, the movies and yes we slept in the same bed. But nothing happened we just cuddled. And besides she said it that if her ex, I guess you can call him that they were divorce, changed she would take him back in a heartbeat. You can’t just give up on four years. She gave me plenty of times to run away as she put it but I stayed. She even told me that we weren’t bf/gf that she didn’t want to get into a relationship unless she had a clear head. Wow a new one for me. Well this week she told me that her ex did tell her that he wanted to work things out. And then she asked me if I would still talk to her. I told her yes we would always be friends. Then on Friday night we went to dinner at Fridays and I told her some of the guys got in trouble for not going to PT. Well that lead to a fight. Pretty much she started to attack me and saying I was a piece of shit NCO. Wow only a month of knowing me and she figured that out usually takes people a little longer to find that out…LOL just kidding. Let’s just say I left there pissed off. Well Saturday night, I asked her to come over b/c I wanted to see her. Well we got to talking on the phone, more fight happened. This time she pretty much said I was irresponsible NCO. Really you don’t know me, you don’t know how I am at work. How can you make that call? Hmmm….she made two judgment calls interesting. Well for one I’ve taken responsibilities for my actions when I’m at work, and Hell I’ve been given paper work for them. Yeah so what I don’t make the guys do pt, who cares. They pass their PT test that’s all that matters. I never said I was perfect, Hell everyone is irresponsible in some shape and form. Well then today I texted her asking to bring me my Smallville Seasons back, when she got the chance. She writes me back saying I see how you are. What just b/c I want my DVDs back you got to get all bent out of shape for. Really no point in it, you’re done with them right and I would like to watch them myself. So she calls me up and still wants to fight, damn when does it end? I just told her that I wasn’t in the mood to fight with her, and she got all bent out of shape over that. I’m like look you’re right I’m wrong. Then she went and talked to one of her friends about it, who’s going to be an NCO in Jan, personally they have no say so. B/c really you can’t compare what we do on the flight line to what the rest of the Air Force does. We are our own little world, and on top of that don’t compare what we do to what you’ve seen in the Army. When she started attacking me, it was an attack on the other NCOs that trained me, on Arthur Coleman, Steve Ward, Jim Connors, Brian Norris, all the ones that taught me what I should do as an NCO and how I should lead. Personally I was getting tired of this fight but she wasn’t. Hell she started bring up other shit with it. Well for those of you who know me, I mean really know me (high school friends really) know how I get when I’m pissed off. Well I didn’t want to say something I might regret. I mean really how long can a fight really go on? Personally I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of hearing about her ex, hell if I can’t say something about other girls then don’t bring him up. I’m tired of her trying to change who I am, this is me take it or leave it! I don’t change for no one. I’m tired of the fight. Like I told my friend Dave, she’s making it easier for me to leave this Hell hole. So I’m going in early to work and put in for orders. It’s time for a change, leave here and never look back. I would rather be in a relationship and get hurt then not to be in a relationship and get hurt.

Why is it that when I think I got everything all figured out you gotta walk right back into my life and screw things up. I mean I knew what I wanted and everything. And it's been a while since I've heard from you, heck a few years in fact. So why now did you walk back into my life. It is over b/w us. I really wish you didn't do that, cuz now I can't get you out of my mind. I hate this feeling I have. I can't really do my work cuz all I think about is you. I was better off, with you in my past. Don't you understand that things will never be the same b/w us. So anyways should I have Burger King or McDonalds? What did you think I was talking about? lol