TrinityJade MrsKlemka 2012's blog: "Thoughts, ramblings, and stuff"

So...really not much to update yall about... moved into our own lil studio apartment in good ol' Allentown, finally have a place of our own :) Just a lil start up place to save up money so we can get a 2bdrm when or after the baby gets here. he just got a job at the car wash and cant wait for landscaping season to start up...im happy for him he loves doin that and hes gonna get some decent cash for the landscaping job, so to make money till then..... Anyway....we're having our small ceremony in July and then having the big blow out with friends and family next Spring i believe...no date set yet just a general timeframe. We're happy together and that's good. I'm just hormonal and well, pregnant...so thats all i can say. I'm at my sisters right now in Jersey hangin out for a few days cuz i needed to clear my head...pregnancy stress is gonna drive me up the wall...we didn't have mins on the cell but he put minutes on it and we started talkin about what was bothering me but im not gonna post that kinda personal stuff on here cuz frankly its none of ur business unless ur close to me, and in that case you'd know what was goin on. So yea. That's about it. Gonna go sit in Sin City for a while and see whats the deal there. Write more later. Oh btw if i disappear offline for like, a month...That's cuz we wont be gettin this comp till my sister gets her new one next month ish. Just an update. Lots of love, Trinity & Fam

Well guys, I'm back :D I disappeared for a little while, but I couldnt leave my wonderful fuFriends for too long :p The most recent news is that I'm 2months pregnant with my third, and just broke up with the father. Too much drama, I couldn't take it, I didn't deserve it. I kept giving him more chances to straighten out and well...Nothing came out of it. I can't be with someone who I can't trust and who has gone back on his word too many times. I'm done expecting change and not seeing anything. Now while I'm not perfect and have done some pretty stupid shit too.....I'm pregnant now, and I have to take care of myself for the baby's sake. And being utterly depressed and irritated all the time, fighting and bitching and wanting to slit my wrists just didn't seem right with me. So, I left. And that's it. What's done is done. Can't change the past. Time to move on. And on that note...here I go...getting ready to walk down a road as a single mom-to-be, try to be stable enough to take care of myself and support the baby and I, stay in my other two children's lives, and just try to survive. So today starts a brand new chapter in my life. We'll see how it goes. I'll keep yall posted. One*Love, DJ Trinity Jade

35 DAYS CLEAN & SOBER AND COUNTING This is a record for me yall GO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can only thank my kids (I love you Luke & Libby) and Will, and my friends who've been there for me thru everything and put up with my shit over the last couple years. I wouldnt be what i am without my friends, im finally realizing who my true friends are. Weez i known u for 6yrs and ive been thru alot and u been there for me...I love u girl James, my god bro, u've known me since i was 11...and im 22..thats a long ass time...we both fell off the earth a few times, but u been there...I love ya hun...ill always be ur spex :p

October 8, 2007 I promise not to hurt you. I may not have the best past, but I want to change. And I will. I'll do all I can to make you happy. I want to give you all you want and need. I'll be there for you anytime you need me. I can be your ideal woman. I just ask that you be there for me, and that you don't hurt me. Someday I may give you my heart, please don't break it. I think I've fallen for you. You make me so unbelievably happy, it's surreal. Do you feel the same way? My guard is still up, help me bring it down. Tell me honestly that it's ok to open up and just be myself. Let me know you are with me for me and not some other reason. but if you are, or things change, just be honest. I don't ask for much, only basic things. I've never really been a faithful girlfriend to anybody, but I want to change that, starting with you. I'll love you the best I know how, and try to show you a great relationship to the best of my ability. I want to be that girl that things work out with. Am I thinking too far ahead? There's so much I have to work on, will you be there for me as I make those changes? I hope so. I thought I had the perfect guy. Then I realized my life was really fucked up. I was drinking, taking pills...I didn't have custody......Things were falling apart. I want to give up, but for some reason someone fell into my life that helped out a little bit. Things went alright for a few weeks, then i'd fall back again. Usually it was a guy issue, and I usually ended up in the hospital. Life sucked. I felt worthless, medication seemed like a failed experiment because what they had me on didn't work. The longer this cycle went on, the more I fell deeper into the spiraling depression that was becoming my life. Then one day after a hospitalization, I found the rooms of NA and AA. For once I felt like I could talk about how my bipolar and drug&alcohol dependency tied together. I wanted to put my life back together and live clean and sober and get my kids back. I realized the only way I could get them back into myl ife the way I knew was right was to be totally drug & alcohol free. I wanted clean time, and I wanted a good life. Then i started talking to someone who made me realize what I needed to do and said they would be there for me thru it all. I was stunned and I had always pushed that away in the past, but now I welcomed the help with open arms.

~Confused. Drunk. Tired. Lonely. Lost~ I've been drinking for about 10hrs so far, and I'm feeling pretty spun out. I'm emotional, and I miss Jorge like I can't even describe. I didn't get to talk to him last night and there's nobody in his unit on the base to get a msg to him for him to call me before he flies out. It's gonna be atleast 3-4wks before I talk to him again and by that time I'll probably be on vacation in FL again. And after that, I haven't the faintest when he's allowed to call but I'm gonna be writing letters like mad. After talking to Brandy, Heffy, and the OnCall ICM I made up my mind. When Christine calls me this morning I'm gonna pack my shit and have her take me to St. Lukes ER. I have alcohol in my system so they can't turn me away, I'm depressed, I need to be back in the hospital. I don't want to give Jorge reason to worry about me, I hope he knows that I'm doing this for myself and my children and for him, too. I'm just being a worrywart because he's going back into combat for the next 7 months and I'm already a wreck and he's not even in Iraq yet. As much as I DON'T want to be back in a hospital setting again, I know deep down it'll be best for me right at this instant in time because I need to get regulated back on some kind of med schedule, and the constant group therapy and individual will help me alot. Outpatient doesn't do shit for me because it gives me the freedom to bullshit in group and go out on the weekends and drink and do whatever I want to do with no shame. Honestly I can't get clean at home. For some people, it works, but for me personally, it doesn't. "Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great..."

10-9-05 Morning What else can you do but worry? Suddenly, your mind clears and the haze lifts from your head. All of a sudden you can think right and everything is making sense. You don't want to live your life like this, up and down all the time, not one shred of stability in your life, not even one thing that's concrete but your feelings, and even then your feelings are flight at best, seemingly not there at worse. All that you hold dear and nearest to your heart are just like a dream...so close but so far, so good feeling that it can't be real. Pinch me, wake me up, tell me all this isn't really happening. Fix my problems, help me recover. "I can't help you but I can support you," they say and all I can do is say OK and make sure that nothing comes between us. Every other feeling just isn't the same ever again, don't let our love die. Am I dreaming again? Why does time have to change everything? Nothing ever stays the way you want it to. I guess variety really is the spice of life. You could say my life is quite spicey after all. Oh well, atleast things I know will never stay UNinteresting. Sometimes it's like my body is trying to run away from itself. The feeling is so scary, and you don't know what to do but lay there feeling lost and alone. ALl the times you felt loved are nothing more than memories and a dream-vision that is so surreal it blows your mind. The person you love most is so close but feels so far away. All you could ask for is just an arm's reach away but you couldn't grab the feeling if it hit you in the face. The racing thoughts are so fast, nothing is comprehendable to you, and everything runs in a frantic pace around your body, so fast, for no reason whatsoever, and all you want is for it to just slow down for even one minute. Your mi nd whirls in circles and nothing will make it stop. Writing is near impossible, if anything, its unreadable. When you fly, you fly high, and it's close to piloting a plane...When it gets so uncontrollable, you're right next to crashing full throttle face first into the ground & you panic. 10-11-05 ...I'm finally starting to sort out my feelings and focus on getting out of here. I think I'm going to start feeling a million times better once a couple things happen, like me dealing with my emotions and finding a target day to get out of here. I set one for myself so that helps a little to calm down the rapid wave of emotional turmoil that keeps overtaking me. Writing down how I feel no matter how repetitive really helps me out in sorting out how I'm feeling, why, and is very calming to me in a way I can't describe. Writing is really therapeutic for me. I know that once I sort out why i'm feeling the way I am, I can tell my stomach will settle and I'll be much more focused on myself, instead of my feelings. Then again, I know I need to wait on the meds as well. I don't want to rush out of here this time, I don't want to push something that's just not happening. 10-12-05 I got a good night's sleep last night and woke up like life had a purpose, finally, a meaning for me. I finally felt like there is a light somewhere, some sort of distant clarity that seemed to really be in my reach for once. With my head clear and my concentration on track, now I can really dig my heels in and focus on the long haul. This little stay really does put things into perspective for me. While you're in a hospital like Fairmount, certain things are our of your grasp. You take for granted all the freedoms you had at home, all the personal time and space of being alone. Atleast here I have the staff to talk about my problems with. Never again will I give credit for my recovery to somebody else, because I CAN get better on my own and nobody can do it for me. They can show me and guide me on how to go about my recovery, but only I can make the moves to go about it. This is finally one situation I can't rely on my wits and words and talk my way out of this. For once I can't use my intelligence to get me somewhere. Getting out of the hospital will be up to my moods and my mind on when I get out. I know my mind (I think) and I can honestly say I don't know when my moods will change, why, to what...That's the variety of life I guess. Never a dull moment. I'm just glad to have what I have in my life. No matter how much self resentment I have for myself for actually taking the time out of my life to put myself inside a hospital, the more happy I become with myself. I actually took that first step and put my pride behind me, put my fears behind me, and said to myself: YOU NEED HELP. Everything happens for a reason and God puts people and circumstances in your path for a certain reason. Whether you know that reason or not is irrelevant, what matters is that you have the strength to weather the storm. Day by day I look around me and realize that I want a kind of evenness and predictability in my life. So many people take for granted what they have in their lives. Sometimes I don't know why they can brush off stress and worry like that. When I'm manic, the whirling thoughts are confusingly appreciated, when I feel normal they're just plain confusing and somewhat maddening. You keep wondering why this had to happen to you. You don't feel strong enough to fight the beast in order to calm it. Then you go to bed and a new day starts, brand new and filling with anticipation. Today will be filled with whatever you put into it. Suddenly you get the feeling come over you like something is changing. Your mind is clearer, not so emotional, and feelings once lost are there again. Still slightly confused and feeling spun out, a bit of light shone through the darkness of my mind and offered a peace and calm I hadn't felt in a long time.

I got this Brooke Glen before i left for rehab last year....thought i'd share. Have we met before? If not, let me tell you a little about myself. I don't share myself with just anyone. I pick only a chosen few who will appreciate me, and then only if the timing is perfect. I have chosen you. For people like you are very special to me because it is your kind who are receptive to my many talents. You'll be very anxious to know me better, and as soon as we touch, the physical attraction between us soars. We'll continue our encounter with me leading you down a path of pure physical ecstasy. You'll feel no shame at having gone "all the way" on your first date. All you'll feel is exhuberation, and you'll beg for more. At first our attraction will be purely physical, but you must realize that this is a very important phase of our relationship. Be confident that it will grow into something much deeper. I am. As we get to know each other better your interest will become emotional as well as physical. You'll learn to come to me with your problems: For not only will I help you with them, but I will somehow take away their deep pain. I'll give you the best that I have, and I'll be patient. I'll know in time that you will give yourself totally to me. When you're with me you'll feel warm and secure. I will ease your mind, soothe away your troubles, and fill your soul with pleasure. With me you'll feel as if you can conquer the world, as if you have a special key to happiness. You'll enjoy living again. I'll be the answer to your unspoken prayers. You'll soon wonder how you ever lived without me. As our relationship grows, you'll start to exclude otherse from your life...but that's ok. You know that I can give you all you need. I'll be your lover, best friend, and confidant. I will always be available when you need me. This will prove to you time and time again, and you'll realize that you don't need others. When you have someone like me, all otheres seem inadequate. So we'll see more and more of each other and decide that it is really impractical not to live together, so we'll make that move. Our life together will encompass many beautiful experiences. We'll do it all together: swim in the ocean, picnic on the beach, fly kites, and whenever you feel the urge, we'll make love. Our relationship will be devoid of fights and arguments. I'll give myself completely to you, knowing I'll receive the same in return. You'll soon realize that you've dedicated your life to me. It will happen before you know it. It sort of takes you by surprise, and you'll wonder if maybe you should spend some time alone, away from me. After all, people say everyone needs some time out alone, even if they are in love, and fact is, you are irresistibly in love with me. So you vow to take some time out alone, even though you don't really want to. You'll start out to spend the day in solitary adventure doing something you've always wanted to do. After only a few hours, though, you'll find that you're not really enjoying yourself, and realize that you miss me more than you ever thought you could. you'll feel a terrible empty void without me and think about coming back home. It makes you a little angry that you didn't keep the promise to yourself, but you rationalize that you don't have to come back home, rather you just want to. The whole way home, you tell yourself that if you really wanted to spend the day alone, you could...you just didn't want to. When you walk through that door, it will fill my heart with pleasure, for I'd be hoping that you wouldn't spend the whole day away from me. You'll come running to me, and I'll take you in my arms and hold you close. I will hold you so tightly that it becomes a bit painful, but you won't mind. Though you won't see my face as I embrace you, I'll have a very satisifed smile. For it is the moment I've been waiting for. I've got you where I want you. You now have no choice. You cannot live without me and I'll love it. It is precisely at this point that you cease to be my lover and become my victim. You see, my ultimate goal is to murder you, and I have begun to do just that. But my methods are slow. I can do it slowly because you won't be able to leave me even though you know I'm killing you. That's the joy of it. The beauty of it. You will make a choice to die, and you'll let me do it. Do you recognize me yet? You should...for, you see, this relationship has already taken place between you and I. We are intimately acquainted and now, I am patiently waiting for you to come back to me...I will follow you and wait for you wherever you go. I can wait forever...for, you see, I am your addiction.