its so hard being so bipolar
one weekend im coming home from FIT, sitting on the train wondering why im leaving the people i love to see people i cant stand. and other times im departing from the bay shore station completely depressed, wondering how i can return to people that dont appreciate me and never will- quite the way im appreciated in bay shore. sometimes its both. i can be headed home on a friday so excited, and by sunday i cant wait to get back on the LIR and get the fuck off of that island. i wish i knew what it was like to be stable. to have something constant in life that you could always rely on. that you know will always make you happy. i wish i was dependant on drugs or alcohol. something that would always be there for me... but ive seen it fail too many times. ive seen it go wrong so often. i wish i had a boyfriend that i knew would be at the station waiting for me every friday and upset saying goodbye to me each monday morning- but knowing wed be togeather again in less than 5 days. sometimes the wishes that fill the head of this little girl are obscene. sometimes theyre simple. some days, i just wish id come home and thered be a bunch of people at my house- for me. who came home to see me adn talk about school and see how i was doing in the early stages of my life.. and other days i wish i could come home and there would be no one there just an empty house. i could blast music and walk around naked if i wanted to.. just be me. often i fee like i enjoy coming home so much- because running into old school friends and teachers makes me feel important, always wondering what i’m up to, and entirely fascinated by the concept of artschool and its lack of boundries and empowerment of creativitiy. i feel like an adult, being invited to go grab coffee and talk about school and life. talking to my highschool-aged friends and they rave about my new hair and make me feel important for once in my life. i miss bay shore- no one will treat me like they do. im not bragging, but i was a celeb. people knew my name, they screamed it down hallways, they bombarded me wiht hugs, and my siblings get harassed about me constantly.Each time i come home i get that again- while i sit at FIT and barely get a glance from my classmates and sometimes i wonder if they only talk to me to act like the civilized human beings they are pretending so hard to be. I go to see a drama production at BSHS and im practically raped backstage by all teh kids i left behind- they seem glad to see me. and they dont even ask me about school, the just talk like we’re sitll the way we were. How hott rossi is, how gay jason is, how much we think Mr Bilella is going to freak out for opening night, and ‘how big of a whore’ i am. oh the love i feel <3, how accepted i consier myself when i poke my head into marchingband or pass by the fooddrives and people wave and actually--seem excited to see me. glad to know im around, alive, well, and want to know everything ive been up to. even if their lying their asses off and just trying to be curtious- it makes me feel like a human being... like people care about me. and yeah peopel around FIT look at me and wave, and smile, and occasionally i get invited to sit with the pretty girls from down the hall at dinner when they see me eating alone- as i do most nights because i have strange eating habits at peculiar hours. And sometimes my friends will call me to go out to grab a bite or roam up to time square... but they never seem excited to see me, or to be doing much of anything for that matter. as much as i love sitting in my dorm room and wasting my hours talking to chris, who dont get me wrong makes me feel entirely amazing-- i would love for people to come knock on my door and say “GET UP WE’RE GOING OUT!” and get al fancied up to do somethign stupid like go to burger king, or get decked out and look like we’re the shit just go to to that shitty tempest bar and watch all the drunk girls get hit on by the middleaged balding men. i show up to bay shore and am welcomed with open arms, and even tho im around there nearly as much as im around the city- they just seem to be happy to see me.. i feel like a human being. i hate that i spend more time in bay shore than i do at school, because i should be taking advantage of all the things the big city has to offer-- just like everyone in my life keeps telling me...... but i miss feeling like somebody. i miss knowing people care about me. i miss going to sleep at night knowing ill wake up the next morning and see the people i love, who love me back. walking into the cafiteria to find brian and andrew plotting their world domination, and the punk emo wannabee kids in a cirle with their dyed hair and conz bashing bush and talking about how they should legalize marijuana. i miss peaking into the bandroom at an early hour to find scalzo and rotello chatting, smelling of coffee, and just listening to them bullshit until they notice me- and ask me what i’ve been up to. seeing people who notice when i change my hairstyle or colour, or see that ive lost or gained 20 lbs, and mention that i have on a new blouse. as small as my college is- i still feel like a number. teachers who dont know my name when we’re nearing the end of semester, classmates who dont know my whole life story-- nore do they wish to hear even a chord from it. its strange growing up in a place like bay shore, where things like that are-- not important, but just known... and going to the big city where no one could give two shits about you. all my life ive felt like a city girl... i never wanted anything more than to live a crazy poor life on the shitty side of town sipping bitter coffee and smoking the 2nd pack of cigarettes id started since noon, writing words and taking images and expressing the way i feel...too bad the way i feel now is not the way i remember feeling. the coffees gotten too popular i smoke my nicotine from a glass bong, and the closest im getting to a shitty side of town is crammed into a crappy dorm room in a hall nearly full of overly-made up girls with dreams of being the next big thing in vouge fashion, and their biggest worry being how their hair looks at 8am.... do you know ive never even seen a vouge magazie? ive never opend the cover of valoure, and i didnt know who the fuck cindy crawford was untilt hsi weekend???.....everything in my life is based on the theories of popularity and acceptance, who and what other people deem as ‘in’.....this is not the person i am. i find fashion evil, i find it ruins society and i find it assimilated with that of a cult following-- just what we need, another reason to segregate people.... we have people who decide what is beautiful! There is a mask to compare ourselves to (and this isnt even figuratively speaking, it really exists!) to decide if we are ‘attractive’... and who knows what attractive is anymore, because everythin will change in a few months... i dont know what i’m doing wiht my life... i dont know why i’m here anymore. i’m doing all the things i never wanted to do... but i cant take for granted the fact that i am in one of the best schools in the country that will give me the best opportunities in life, that can lead me down a successful path...... the question is , is it really worth it for me to be miserable for the next 4 years in hope that ill be successful later on because of it? i say “No day but today”.... and for the last few months- ive been living just the opposite....a complete and utter lie--- hoping for the future to be a good outcome based on what im doing now. who am i to be giving advice to people...when i cant help myself?
