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Dearest Benjamin,
It is amazing how I can look back at those new pictures, and remember so clearly how happy I was, and how much I loved you. I was so distraught over the thought of you having to move away, but that one night... the one you asked me to marry you, I finally felt like everything was going to be okay, that we could survive it.
They say Love is Blind, and it must be... because although I suspected, I never wanted to let myself see. That last night with you, on cam, typing back and forth, you forced me to see. At first, all I wanted was to stop the pain, the burning feeling in my heart, in my mind. I wanted to end it. I wanted to end me. Then, as I read your words, as my mind slowly rose from the shallow fantasy of hope and blindness, I REALIZED something. In trying to end my emotional pain, I was causing myself physical pain... AND IT HURT. Every drag of the knife, instead of bringing me closer to death, brought me more and more back to life. I was numb at first, when you left and did not say a word, then, as I read the words you finally gave me, the emotions came back, stronger and stronger. I did not understand it. All of a sudden everything seemed so clear to me. At first I could not believe that you were telling the truth, that you actually cheated on my with my close friends 18 year old daughter. But then it was clear, and I could feel something again. I thought it was heartbreak, I thought it was the sound of my heart breaking in half, then breaking even more. It wasn't. It was the sound of me. My voice. Coming from my throat as I moaned out a few small words. Why? HOW COULD YOU BENJAMIN! The feeling was anger, the emotion I suddenly felt was HATE. Pure, simple, undiluted, consuming HATE.
I honestly do not think I have ever felt so much at one time, so much anger.
I put down the blade, and I looked at my wounds. This? This is what I did. Because I was blinded by my own stupidity. Then I proceeded to block you out of every part of my life. Impossible. It is impossible. My computer proudly displayes pictured of you and me. My bedroom is plagued by the clothes you left, the shoes under the side stool, the picture of you and me, happy, on my nightstand.
And today I realized something important.
I would not hate you for what you did, if I had not loved you so much. And with saying that I must also add, that as much as I hate you, I still love you. I suppose over time that will fade, that it will only become a shadow of what it once was, but I am stuck with it until it goes.
My best friend does not understand. He asked questions... Why? Why would you end your life?
My only response is this....
To anyone who has ever been in my same position would know and understand, death is the only answer that you can think of to stop the pain of reality and the pain of living. I did not WANT to die, I only wanted the pain to die, and because I am alive, that pain also lived. It was in every breath I took. It saturated my body and my mind, corrupting my soul. I could not think of any other thing at that very moment except for that. I did not want to leave my life, my kids, my family, my friends. I wanted to wake up and go to work still, and do all the things I do in a day. I only wanted to stop the suffering, the intense pain that ran rampant in my brain and through my heart. I wanted to disconnect from it, but unfortunatly there is no tylenol for a crushed metaphorical heart. There is no cast or stitches that can piece it back together. Only TIME can heal that it is said, and at that moment, time stood still for me.
So now I can look at those pictures of you and me, and I can remember how I loved you. WHy you ask? Becasue of time. Because that one moment of timeless insanity has passed, and the cocked ticked forward, moving me past the sorrow, past the pain, an finally it has moved me past the hate.
Now I am thankful. Thankful that you told me rather than letting me spend any more TIME living a blind life, living a lie. I thank you that you set me free. I still believe that somehow you did love me, that somehow even in your indiscresion, you still had a heart and cared for me. I will never truly knowfor sure, but Even when I re-read the last message you sent, the one before you changed my life forever, I feel that you still cared, and that you were torn. You said you loved me with every breath you take, every second of every minute of every hour.
So now all that is left is to pass the torture onto you. You have given me peace, and now I can move on with my life. I pass the pain onto you. No matter the words that escape your mouth, the whispers of denial, I know this one thing is for cetain.
You must now live with the love, the hate, the betrayal, the lies, the guilt, and without a doubt... the memory of what you lost and will never gain back. ME.
Forever, ME
