i'll never understand this world, i accept this though it doesn't stop my heart and soul from aching with a desire to do so. why do humans feel the need to fight and argue with each other? why do we feel pride from destroying another person's life? so many people feed on hurt and misery, they can only smile if they make someone else cry. it's pathetic. it's immoral. but it's fact. i don't claim perfection, for i too have fallen victim to the thirst for revenge. it's a powerful drug, holding the key to someone else's destruction in the palm of your hand. but this doesn't make it right. so many people in this world live just for this emotion. i don't understand it and maybe i'm not suppose to?
i wasn't always as callous and abrasive as i am now. i used to care about people. a lot. i used to be the type of person that would go out of her way and bend over backwards to help a random stranger on the street. because i wanted to believe that there was still good in the world. and that it was possible for humans to help one another in some aspects. but after so many times of being bitten and shit on instead of thanked, i can't do it anymore. i'm tired of being a doormat that everyone steps all over. a person can only handle so much before they just give up and i know i've reached that point.
i'm so tired of hurting. and crying. and feeling worthless. i'm getting to the point where i'm just plain tired of emotions. sometimes, i just want to give up in general. give up smile and laughter just so i can give up tears and pain. seems like a fair trade, no? i'm not sure if i really have that kind of strength of mind though. sure, i pretend to be strong and able to handle anything but it's just a mask. inside, i'm a wreck and i admit it. here. but don't ever expect me to say it again. i don't even know why i'm writing any of this, i highly doubt anyone cares enough to read it. i blame the pain killers i'm on. they make me feel rather detached from things. like i'm watching life instead of living it. i like this feeling. it's much safer. though, my teeth are still throbbing. but at least it's a tolerable throb right now.
i'm gonna stop babbling. stop writing in here now. congrats to those who cared enough to make it this far. and goodnight.
