I am an adventurer. I have scaled Gibraltar rock, repeatedly traversed the deadliest road in the United States, ascended to the highest paved surface in the US, swam across Devil's Lake, and survived the black Friday sale of Wal-Mart for 4 years in a row. Truly, I am a force to be reckoned with.

You want to know me. I'm funnier than a clown car that's on fire. Not only am I funny, but I'm smart. Like REALLY smart. Like being able to download porn and talk to my mom on the phone at the same time smart. Borderline genius. If you want to have a conversation about quarks, super string theory, the 10 dimensions, or the metaphysical ramifications of farting in public, then you are a FREAK... but that's cool, I'm more than happy to accommodate, besides, we freaks need attention too. I can walk on water, eat live bullets and I know where my towel is. I can flip over a car with my tongue and breathe through my ears. There are only 3 truly bad-ass people on the planet, and the other two send ME Christmas cards. While traveling the world trying to find something cooler than myself, I happened across a Bedouin family that was dying of thirst in the desert. I saved their lives by squeezing grape Kool-Aid from a nearby rock. If I do send you an email, it is because I think that you would make a fine devotee that will rejoice my victories and lament my losses. While in my fold, you will learn much. You will learn to appreciate ALL good music; from Vivaldi to The Brides of Funkenstein. You will memorize every last word to the movie Caddyshack...but mostly, you will just SHUT THE FUCK UP. By being added to my friend list you will instantly become smarter, stronger, and more attractive... if not, just return the unused portion for a full refund.

So, on to why I'm here...

I want to meet someone with a sense of humor who can appreciate a range of witticisms from those that are safe for Sunday to those that make combat hardened Marines blush (or vomit). Someone who can participate in a deep philosophical conversation one moment and then tell me about the funny face the dog made when it humped the neighbor's leg. A person who loves completely and unconditionally like Alabama Worley (bonus points if you get the reference). Someone who can fly and shoot super heated plasma from their hands. A person who doesn't make me want to tear out my own jugular with rusty nails. Someone who knows the lyrics to both Friggin' In The Riggin' and Mrs. Whiskey Name or is at least willing to learn. Someone who is willing to take the time to get to know the real me.

- Caring
- Bold
- Compassionate
- Patient
- Charismatic
- Easy going
- Energetic

These are not words that necessarily describe me, I just like lists.


I am currently in the process of improving myself through long devoted hours of introspection and the occasional glass (or bottle) of Shiraz.

I'm thinking about taking up a hobby of shark punching or maybe spend a summer in the Rocky Mountains teaching adolescent big horn sheep how to head butt.

I always add "For Heroin" in the memo line of all my checks.

I think that Sid Vicious said it best:
"I plived, ee gah a guh. Dee geh ma ga, I luh da ard wuh. An mo, muh mo dan diih, I DID IT MYYYYYYYY WAAAAAY!!!"


I make the worlds best chili. This is not up for debate. I know that some of you are tempted to message me to bust my chops about this remark, but save yourself some time, as my chops are unbustable. There have been some people that have said that they make the world's best chili. These people also have their head's so far up their asses that switchback trails have to be cut in just to get to them. I then have to extract the weapons grade stupidity from them so they don't explode in a huge mushroom cloud of DUH.

Do you remember the fall of the Soviet Union? The end of Apartheid? Those were the last 2 times that I made my chili. It affects global changes for the good of mankind. ALL HAIL MY MEATY GOODNESS!!!... wait, that didn't sound right.

On a typical Friday night I can usually be found waitin' in the front yard, sittin' on a log... a single shot rifle and a one eyed dog, yonder come a kinfolk in the moonlight.... oh wait, that's Louisiana Saturday night.

On a typical Friday night, I am going around town with my pet orangutan Clyde, making the scene. Every place that I stop I gain more friends. Any time I say something witty I high five the orangutan. I talk loud and laugh louder. Soon the town is buzzing about the super cool dude with the orangutan. Word spreads like wildfire, "Have you seen the guy with the orangutan? You had an opportunity to DATE the guy with the orangutan?!?! OMG! What are you waiting for???"

If you've made it this far, congratulations... and now you have cholera.