False promises and realizations
Don't you hate it when you learn so much more about the person you were seeing ...after you break up? Or better yet, how you are always the last person to know what is really going on although you suspect it and your closest friends withold it from you? This post re-caps the last year of my life. Without giving personal details.
From Aug 05 to Apr 05 I was in a relationship. ( She'll be ..1) We knew each other for a year prior. We had met through an internet dating site of sorts and communicated on and off as friends only for a year. We had become best friends. Never admitting hidden feelings for each other until one fateful day. Soon after we moved in together. Things seemed well other than her inability to give emotion or discuss her feelings. They really took a nose dive when I learnt that my previous ex ( She'll be ..2) was pregnant all along and had just miscarried twins. Confused, hurt, and feeling guilty, I made a few bad decisions. I was back and forth for a bit before settling back to same one (..1) from the beginning of this post. I was the only one contributing financially.
Things got better. We grew closer than ever despite certain oppositions and obstacles. We could go anywhere and enjoy each others company. The type of relationship where if you got lost on a road trip it wouldn't matter because you were together. We got engaged ( briefly) and she decided to join the Army. This...is where things went disastrously wrong.
At first things were fine. I wote to her everyday. After all...isn't that what should be done to express love and support? I'd get letters of great re-assurance. " I love you so much and miss you so much. We'll be together forever. I feel a stronger bond now then ever before. We're soul-mates. " Well, soon all of that changed. She began re-hashing the back and forth from the beginning of our relationship. Something that had happened so long ago and had been proven to be a mistake and I thought made up for. Oh I still got the letters and phone calls saying " you have nothing to wory about." But that was about the sum of it. I'm not a stupid person. I can figure things out alot quicker than most people. I suspected, despite what was told, that there was someone else. Well...she played me good. She still convinced me that we had no problems...still told me she loved me. Just didn't show it as much.
A week prior to her graduation from basic, she requested I return her belongings to her mother's in NY. And informed me that due to finances I not visit her for her graduation. I was very suspicious despite her reassurances that things were fine and it was only so that if I had to move...it was less I'd have to concern myself with because my living situation was rocky. What was I supposed to do? It wasn't my belongings. The suspicious side wanted to say "no, you brought it here...you come get it." The loving hopeful side said " ok, maybe I am over-reacting and she is being genuine." Genuine...there's a word she liked to use alot. Too bad she doesn't know the true meaning. So I returned her things.
A week later, the day of her graduation, I was dumped. We've talked briefly since and the only reason she gave is " I've changed. I don't love you like that anymore." The wholetime she swore there was no one else. Afew weeks later I am told she had been speaking to someone new. Supposedly she had met him in her AIT training. During all of this Ihad been trying desperately to save the relationship. Afterall, that's the right thing to do right?
The conclusion/ final stab.....
Eventually I learnt that she had conned her way out of the Army. Had been out for some while, was back here in the town that we made our memories in. visiting....yup...the new man who just so happened (coincidentally) to get stationed here on the local base. I also learned that She had actually met him way back in basic prior to our break-up when her letters abruptly changed. However, she played me all the way to the end and even after. She's included people I thought was my closest friends into her little game as unknowing participants.
My theory...
When we met she lived with her mother in Ny and is back living there now. SHe hated it and suffered from depression and sleep deprivation. After getting with me she no longer needed medication for these problems. As they were no longer present. It is my theory that I was used to get out of her mother's home. When she went into the military I was kept as a "back-up" plan until she knew for certain she would graduate and no longer need me as I was the sole provider through the relationship. All along she was examining the possibility/ potential of this new person.The idea of a military secure relationship always appealed to her. She wants to have this without having to actually be in the military herself.Yes, I know, she's clueless as to what she's in for. So once again..she's using someone...probably without consciously realizing it. I guess the reason for all of this is not because of love still there. It's actually disappointment...in myself first and foremost for allowing myself to be played, lied to, and manipulated. Hurt because I was forced to have dsirespect, disgust, and bitterness towards someone I once loved very deeply and claimed to reciproate it. Someone who swore that together we would work through anything. It's not the first time I had been used in this way. It was perhaps one of the most painful.
Why do we subject ourselves to this? Are we that desperate for acceptance? To be loved? Why do we so easily believe the false promises of forever? I suppose it is a way of knowing we are doing something in this lifeworthwhile. What is one to do? A part of me wants to never again fall for these promises of forever, happily ever-after. However, I also know how much love is in my heart to give.
