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Mrs Bitch's blog: "random stuff"

created on 05/15/2012  |  http://fubar.com/random-stuff/b348155

Rules for Dating
Your Mother's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) 
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure 
not picking anything up. 
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer 
at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I 
will remove them. 
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely 
that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of 
your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I 
propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your 
pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do 
not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail 
gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. 
Rule Four: 
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some 
kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. 
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about 
sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require 
from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and 
the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.' 
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine 
with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little 
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I 
will make you cry. 
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour 
goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be 
dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the 
Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like 
changing the oil in my car? 
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: 
• Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. 
• Places where there is darkness. 
• Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. 
• Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear 
shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose 
down parka - zipped up to her throat. 
• Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature 
chain saws are okay. 
• Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better. 
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a slow, potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted hasbeen. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your 
universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the 
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind 
the house. Do not trifle with me. 
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the 
driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts 
acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my 
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in 
plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my 
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. 
The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

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