Kandy Kisses's blog: "Just me."

created on 11/29/2007 | http://fubar.com/just-me/b161271

posted on 10/03/2009&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;11:10&nbs-07:00;pm

this is what happened.
http://fubar.com/this-is-what-happened/b161271-1068268

This is going to be a very long read, so if you're not in it for the long haul, you might want to stop reading now. I've had a lot of shit building up inside of me and I haven't expressed it to hardly anyone. If you don't like the things I'm about to say, then you're not a true friend anyway and you can go ahead and delete me off your friends list.
Before I had Gabby I thought my life was hell. Teenage angst? Sure. Rebellion.. you betcha. I stayed out drinking all night, smoking whatever was put in front of me. I did whatever the hell I wanted and didnt think twice about it. Consequences didn't mean shit to me. You couldn't tell me nothin. Got in a shitload of fights in school. Talked back to whoever challenged me. Disrepected my parents. I was hell on wheels.
When I was 14 I was out partying and I met Daniel Johnson. A couple months later I found out I was pregnant by him. Scared the shit outta me. He wasn't there for me through my pregnancy at all. I swore over the toilet cursing his name. I hated him so much because I had to deal with this by myself. I had my parents, sure. But I was left with this baby in my stomach and I felt so empty. He left me that way. He showed up at the hospital when I had my little girl and he showed his face about once a week until she was 3 months old. That's when I found out some things about him that I never would've believed if anyone else would've told me. His parents told me something and at that point I made it my mission to keep him as far away from my child as possible. He never paid child support, never bought diapers. He bought her one onesie that said Daddy's Princess. (he's a fuckin joke.)
He later married a girl named Kari and they had a son together. He beat his son when he was 7 months old and went to prison for it. For 4 years I never heard anything from him. He never called to ask how his child was doing. He never wrote any letters to check in on her. He didn't care. He only cared about himself. I raised my daughter Gabby (with the help of my parents) and vowed never to let another man hurt us again.
When I was 15 I came to Tn to visit my grandparents and while I was here, I met a man named Rick. He was 10 years older than me. We talked on the phone every night before I went to sleep about everything. I was finally able to open up and feel something towards someone. In July my parents came to Tennessee to get me and bring me back to Missouri. I begged and pleaded to let me meet Rick before I left. My parents found out how old he was and agreed to let me meet him, but they were talking to him first.
We all went out to eat and we hit it off. The next day was July 4th. We were supposed to go home that night to be in town for the fireworks, but I talked my parents into staying another night so we could go on post. After that, he came to Missouri every weekend to see me. He'd get there Friday night stay in at The Arlington Bed and Breakfast. We'd meet up on Saturday and he would go home Sunday around noon. Fast forward to September. He came down for his weekend visit and brought a ring with him. My mom signed the papers and we got married September 3rd of 2004. I moved to Tennessee and brought Gabriella with me. Fast forward to November and he was deployed to Iraq. I had the emptiness again. He was gone. No one to wake up to. No one to talk to everyday besides my grandparents and Gabby. I went through a major depression. Thoughts of suicide. I had left my family and friends behind in DeSoto. I knew no one in Tennessee besides my grandparents who aren't that fucking great to begin with. I was 16 and losin my mind already. I dropped out of high school and had wayyyy too much time on my hands. Rick came home from Iraq after serving 7 months. He was an entirely different person. He was fucked up psychologically. He was there, but he was oblivious to everything around him. He didn't really talk too much after that. Fast forward to the year 2006 and I find out that he had been cheating on me. ( with a girl working at waffle house ) I tried just about everything I could to make it work. but I refuse to let another man hurt me and my daughter again. He made it a point to tell me that I was 18 had a child and was overweight and that nobody would want me. I believe him, but I filed for divorce anyway and it became final February 9th, 2007. That was the most painful thing I think I had ever had to do. I matured the most when I was with him. My first long term relationship. The first time I ever had sex and didn't feel disgusted or have flashbacks to what Daniel did to me. I was so comfortable with him. He was my best friend. But I knew in order for me to be happy, I needed to move on and turn the page in the book of me.
2007 was probably the worst year I have had so far. In June I lost my brother Travis. The person I looked up to the most. He always knew what to say to make me feel better or he'd punch me in the arm until I forgot what I was bitching about to begin with. A lot of my friends already kinda know what happened to him, but not from me. I didn't want to talk about what happened to him because I'd lose it every time. So for anyone that's reading this and sayin yeah, I know what happened.. you really don't. You may have heard whatever you did through the grapevine, but the more people talk about it, the more the story changes. Remember the game telephone? prime example. The only reason I'm telling what happened now is because I'm hoping and praying that if I do, a weight will be off my shoulders. I'm doing this for me. Travis went to a party with his friends. Everyone was drinking. ( EVERYONE. EVEN FUCKING RG) a fight broke out between Trav and some guy and the people throwing the party told travis to leave. RG, Stephen Russell, Justing Jordan and Travis piled in the truck. Justin told Travis he was going to ride in the flatbed and he could have the jump seat. Travis told him no that he had been drinking too much and he'd fall out. So Travis got in the back. They were shooting fireworks off and RG wasn't paying attention to the road. He seen that he was about to hit a ditch so he swerved. When he did, he through Travis out of the back of the truck. Travis bent a road sign and he layed on the side of the road. Justin got out of the truck and stayed with him. RG and Stephen swear they tried to call for help but said they didn't get phone service where they were at. ( which is total bullshit. Other people went to where it happened at got perfect service from ATT and Verizon and Crickett. ) RG dropped Stephen off and went home because he said he was scared. He didn't go to the cops because he had a warrant for his arrest. My brother died on the side of that road. When I found out what happened to him, my parents drove to Missouri from Tennessee. I was left in that house by myself. I found out that he was dead over the phone and there was no one there with me. I clenched onto his picture screaming and crying and no one was there to help me. When he died a part of me did too. I went to DeSoto for the funeral. Seeing Travis laying in that casket is something that will forever be engraved in my mind. He didn't look the same. AT ALL. They had to put so much make up on him to cover the scratches and bruises. He looked so bloated. I touched his hand and told him goodbye and he was as cold as ice. I kissed his forehead, told him that I loved him and walked away.
After Travis died my family fell apart. We couldn't talk about the same things we used to talk about. We didn't do things as a family anymore because a part of us was missing. (RG took that from us and you're goddamn right I blame him. Yes, Travis was drinking. but he wasn't drinking and driving. He trusted RG to get him home, but instead he fucking left him dying on the side of a road).
A few months after Travis died my dad cheated on my mom with a bitch he works with. He knocked her up and my parents filed for divorce. My dad has a new son now and a new family. It's like he erased all that bad shit that happened to us. I can't fucking erase it. I try to block it out and eats at me. At night I don't sleep because I think about what has happened to us and kills me. We were never the fucking happy go lucky brady bunch. We were dysfunctional like a motherfucker, but we had eachother. We had eachothers backs.
My mom and I used to be pretty close. We talked about everything to eachother. Whenever I had a problem she was there to help me solve it. It's not the same anymore. We don't talk about the stuff we used to talk about because it reminds us of Travis and once we start crying, we sink into a depression that doesn't seem like it'll ever let up. Travis was the rock that held us together. Now he's in an urn at my grandpa's house in DeSoto. He's in the corner of the room. Like he's put away. He sits behind some pictures of him and a picture of my mom and aunt and uncles when they were little. Out of sight, out of mind. But not for me. Everytime I go visit, I can't even sit in the living room because I know that once I do, I'll be staring at that urn and talking to him. Looking like i'm fucking nuts. I still need travis to be there and give me advice and I know that he can't talk back now and tell me that everything is going to be alright and I want him to so badly. me and my mom look in the clouds alot. The day of the funeral there was a double rainbow. and everyday after that we've seen T's in the clouds. Just a little reminder that he's still there with us.
This blog has turned out to be more about Travis than anything, but that's what I need to get off my chest. I don't feel the same without him. I listen to old songs that we used to listen to and I just sit and think. After he died I went to jail for awhile. Where I had nothing but time to sit and think. I had never in my life felt so lonely. You've got a cement wall to talk to, and if you're caught talking to it, the guards think you're nutzo and send you to sick call. Don't ask me how I know.
My mom has been there for me alot. We've been through some shit and we're still going through it. I think we use eachother as a crutch to just help deal with the pain. Gabby helps alot too. Her smile can brighten my darkest day.
I moved back home to Desoto after my parents split up. I couldn't stand being around my dad. Looking at him made me sick. He just gave up on us. I was ready to give up on him for a change. I moved in with my grandparents and my mom. We were all under the same roof. It seemed like everyone but me and mom had delt with losing Travis and we didn't have anyone to talk to but eachother and half the time we couldn't do that because it hurt too much. I had a constant reminder of him being in that house. I had nightmares almost every night. Seeing him laying in the casket haunted me and i'm sure it will for the rest of my life. I had been to many funerals, but that one made me hit rock bottom.
I started hanging out with my old friends to try and cope. My best friend Tashia was there for a lot of it. I had missed out on a lot that happened in her life and vise versa. But everytime I see her, it's like nothing has changed between us. Any other time I went home, no one was the same. Our old friends ( mine and Travis's ) just weren't the same. Our little group fell apart too. Tashia helped me deal with a lot of my problems and stood by my side. through thick and thin she was always there... or a phone call away.
I missed her wedding ( but truth be told, if I were there, i'm almost positive I would've objected.) I missed the birth of her first daughter Starr. The death of her grandparents. The falling apart of her family. It's amazing how much she and I have in common. Maybe that's why we get along so well.
I really missed hanging out with her. Going to the football games at the high school. Sitting on her steps with a bottle between us. stayin up all night giggling about stupid shit. those were the good times :)~
Love ya girl.
I moved back to Tennessee in June of this year. I met and fell (hard) in love with a guy named Ben. I thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. I moved here started looking for housing ( he was in Afghanistan at the time ) and waited. And eventaully I got my heart broken again when I found out that he cheated on me with some girl named Dani. So me, being as vindictive as I am, let him have it ten fold. Do I regret it, no. Do I regret leaving DeSoto for another man. you bet your ass. I'm on probabtion now so I'm pretty much stuck here, but when I'm off I'm coming back to DeSoto. I'm coming back home and there will never be another man to come between me and my family again. Gabby never really got to know Ben, thank God, but it was close enough for me.
As for right now, I'm passing the time. I drink way more than I should. It helps sometimes. It helps me think and clear my head. It helps me to feel numb inside which is the way I feel already. But all of the beers I drink can't take away all the tears I've cried. That's right, believe it or not I cry. I'm not a fucking robot like everyone else seems to think. I have feelings. But for now I'll keep waiting for when I get to leave here and come home. I've met and made some pretty cool friends here, but nothing compares to my family back home. I'm sure there's a couple of you that are going to read this and look for your recognition, but really like I said i'm doing this for me. Tashia's in here because she's a big part of who I am. Sorry if anyone is hurt by what i'm saying. maybe you should write a blog. :)
Another thing that's been kinda buggin me.. and kinda off topic..
People keep asking why I have so many tattoos. Is that shit still taboo to people in the US of fucking A? Seriously?? This is my body. MINE. Not yours. or your mom's or your pastors. If I'm gonna live my life, i'm doing it how I want to. It's not harming anyone. It hurts like a motherfucker when you get it done, but it only hurts me. Do they scare you? Is that why I get your looks? Stop mean mugging me and wake up.

I've been called a heartless bitch many MANY times. But what people see is what I allow them to see. No one knows what's goin on besides my family and Tashia.
There's holes where my compassion used to be. There's so much violence in my heart, I wouldn't want to fuck with me. I've turned into this cold bitter person. I'm only 21. Whatever God's plan is for me, I really hope he knows what he's doing.
If I'm a heartless bitch, it's only because life has made me this way. It's not by choice. There are very few things that make me happy anymore.
My daughter. My mom. My Tashia :) My nephews. and Jimmy. He's been through the same shit I'm going through now.
For everyone that's stuck with me.. You're a real friend. You're kind are hard to come by. I'm not sure what else I can say besides thank you.
I'm sure i'll be posting more later.. but right now, i'm mentally exhausted.
I feel better having typed this all out. It's off my chest and maybe I'll get some sleep tonight.
Next blog I post won't be this long. Promise.

Amber