I Am WhAt I Am's blog: "A Lil About Me"

 "WARNING!!!!!" Plz read this b4 casting judgement. Thx :)

2012 Update!
Think I will chalk up 2011 as a bit of a mess but also a HUGE learning year. I truly found out that I have a handful of awesome and amazing friends. I found my new drive and focus. If you can't or don't want to help and support me then at least stay out of my way :)
I am still an older brother, father to 4 very smart and amazing kids. 3 are much too old for their own good now :( lol I am a son to a great woman who has been a big influence in how I want my daughter treated and how I treat woman in general. Don't mistake the bedroom for overall conversation and language lol. I am an athlete even though I am recently retried of 14 yrs in the military. You would not always know by looking at me how bad off I am unless you really know me. Yet, I am still strong minded and willed enough that I can accomplish anything I focus on and have proved that in so many ways. If not, then the docs would have their way and I would be on a couch or bed getting lazy and not having any fun in life. I can and DO listen but come on now...give us a chance to talk also lol. I am a support structure, person to lean on and depend on but DON'T take my kindness for weakness as there are a few who know me that will tell you I can hold my own against any weight class. 1 of the best people to have at your side in any altercation whether to save your ass or help bust some. I am a natural leader but no one knows it all so I will gladly listen to any and all ideas if an when there is time. I live to travel and to have fun. Fun is much better then being sad and down all the time. I have been in at least 8 countries and now there are only 4 states I have yet to visit :)I am soon to be an ex husband yet still a great friend. I always strive to learn and grow from my mistakes and experiences all around me. I have hurt others and been hurt. I have learned from both that it really is better off to be as honest as you can up front. You can't please everyone and not everyone is gonna like you no matter how hard you try. Yet we don't have to be total mean assholes to one another either. I am not afraid to love fully and freely nor unconditionally, I know what I want from life and from a relationship and it will all fall into place one day. If you have questions, ASK. Why stay ignorant by not knowing and judging when there are so many resources out there. My kids will ALWAYS come 1st yet you must make time for yourself in order to keep everything balanced.
This is my year for more great changes and new experiences. If you want to be a part of that then that's great. But stay out of my way if your a negative type of person or just can't be truthful with yourself. Cause you will not stop me. 

Yes I flirt! Who in their right mind does not like to be wanted and know that others find you attractive? It does NOT mean I am trying to sleep with every female on here. I don't care what you think. Yes I am into FEMALES. I will add guys and if your gay or w/e you choose to call yourself that is fine by me just respect me my family and my friends or you will find yourself in my "Dumbass" folder. This is your only warning :-)  
I rate my Family and friends with 11s 1st on days with only 250. 10s are the next best thing.  I LIKE damn near every person I can on FU, male and female. It helps you and it helps me. I have  a few who we take care of each other with Pimps but I will and do randomly decide to pimp someone just cause I can. No other reason.

MAY2012 Update:

Ok I am gonna have to come back at a l8tr time and fill in a lil bit because to get to what I wish to talk about, I have to leave out many months worse of trials and tribulations. But I feel that this update is very important for many reasons.

One it will inform EV1 who cares to read this some important changes in my life. 2 so that way I don't have to keep explaining over an over to people who, what, when, where and why etc lol. And also it shows once again I am trying to be real and NOT hide anything from anyone. I am still me and I still fuck up an make many mistakes.In fact this very update may piss off or make a few upset and that never is or was my intention...

So I will simple start off by saying like my 1st part when I started thsi blog/about me...Most know me as a flirt but a very respectable guy and a good friend to those who actually cared to find out. Flirtig can start off as harmless fun and on both sides can be very beneficial but how do you know when one side takes it further then it was intended to go? I think that is a sticky area myself and no matter how well you think you know each other I have found that someone ends up hurt most of the time. Many of you have alreay come to me asking about my change with my #1 FAMILY member and this is the main reason for this blog. Many of you assumed that there was something going between me and 24/7 as I NEVER moved her from that spot since opening this new account. many of you I have even talked with everyday or close to etc an even talked about possibly meeting and yet she still stayed there. We are and hopefully always will be friends. I would yes consider her a Best female friend in fact. All those reasons are my own but she is a great people and no we never did anything more then hug lol. For those who may be wondering.

Ok now I touched on the fact that there were a few whom we have talked about possibly meeting etc...I have been around fu over 4 yrs. This is my 2nd account an fu with all its faults and yes even some good fun is still life. Everyone comes in here for there own reason but even if your escaping or trying to from reality, fu is a part of your life if you come here. Having said that you build up friendships good an bad an inbetween. It all depends on if the other person or even yourself is FAKE or not and honest with oneself how it will turn out. There are a great mnay here who end up in REAL relationships even though FU is NOT a dating site it happens via CHANCE...an yes of course there are even the FU relationships that well are a lil more interesting if you are RL married etc an doing  a fu thing on the side but that's not here nor there...So yes in 4 yrs there have been a few that I have talked to and even thought maybe it might go somewhere. There are MANY that it was never anything more then just friends from start to finish, and of course the ones where it would be nice if it could go somewhere but it just was not gonna happen for any number of reasons like with my very recent situation: I could have been with a number of people here in Cali since coming back from from DAY 1 I was brutally honest that I didnt want anything serious becuase I knew when I got back I COULDN'T stay here and those are again my own reason but Cali is NOT for me anymore as a place to make a foundation. So I apologize for how long this is but I guess sometime to really get people to see the whole picture you need the meat an potatoes of the story right? 

Like MANY others I do believe in love I wont touch on the "At 1st sight" thing so we will stay general. Just cause I am a male it doesn't mean I don't get lonely or miss companionship and company and no I dont mean sex...That actually is easy. I mean the overall cooking for or with someone, hanging out, laughing listening etc. We need that shit too lol. That is why some maybe not all flirt...Kinda a testing the waters seeing where it could possibly lead to. Now when you actually run into more then 1 person that you feel it could actually need to somewhere...I think this is the fine line between a player and the rest. I think it depends on your goal...you trying to get with BOTH or decide which one is the better choice for both of you for something LASTING. Ok ok where am I going with all this? after doing like others an dating getting screwed, used and yes maybe making and causing a few mistake myself...I have FOUND the person I have, with her knowledge an understanding of course lol, chosen to actually give my all to an focus on a real relationship with. So you are reading this now and so there are NO mistakes. I do as of very very early this morning of 5MAY2012 have a REAL GF. You can't miss her because she did in fact take over the #1 Family spot. Yes I know that she has had a few issues with people here on FU hello who has not...yes she knows that I had talked with others in fu as well. She knows I have had drama here with a couple people and she knows that there may even be a few who after reading this if they care to may HATE the fact that I chose her over them...But that is it in a weird way of saying it...Out of all the possibilities and the people I have talked to an tried even if it was NOT always mutual on both ends, we chose each other. She could easily have picked and wanted someone else. She has tons of guys barking up the tree so to speak. But WE are together and I am saying it here so there are NO mistakes, no inuendo's, or miscommunication etc. Oh and for the random 1 or 2 fake as bitches (yes that means the dudes also) YES Biance my ex way up above in the original part KNOWS of us. So try the drama an just be laughed at...In fact Bianca has already taken "Barbie's" side once an threaten to hit me upside my head for her. Go figure lol So I write this for a CLEAN slate to start fresh with NO skeletons i my closet etc.

owthe flirting part. Man that will be a lil tough for a number of reasons.  I  PLAY the FU game, Rank etc but there is a line that I can no longer cross as it would be disrespectful to her and not right. Now I know ALL you can understand that cause I am sure those in real relationships have only so much you yourselves will tolerate... So I will still have FUN in Fuland but I really also hope at least the ones who call me and I can call FRIENDS can be happy for us. Not ev1 likes me I know this, some of you put me on that damn pedestle long b4 talking with me but I am trying to be straight an honest with u now an say I found someone, she makes me HAPPY, I do believe from her smiles and laughter in her eyes that I do make her happy also. Forgive me for the length, I am sure I could write another hr and I might even have been able to shorten this but I usually listen to ev1 else so this is MY place to talk so if you are still here. TYVM and for those I hurt and just pissed off...I am truly sorry there are a handful that I care enough for I would hope you would be happy for me and we should an could still be friends even if our friendship is solely just based in here as most of them are. I ty for your time an patience

MAY212012

As guys we always do something or say something without thinking that upsets our significant other. Saying you are sorry can't always get you out the doghouse when you've done this. She has to really believe you are sincere and remorseful.

One of the things that shows sincerity and remorse better than anything is ACTION.

If you know the exact reason she is upset, then apologize for that exact thing. Just saying you are sorry without knowing the reason is not only insincere but also sets you up for repeating it because you don't know what it is you need to avoid doing or saying. If you really have no idea, humble yourself and ask her what you did to upset her, tell her you're an idiot for nor realizing but you really want to know because you don't want to do it again. The only way to have your apology accepted as being sincere is to accept total responsibility.

I did repeat my wrongdoing a number of times. Some say flirting is cheating, using others, and disrespectful. In recent yrs I found flirting to be save and somewhat easy cause if you don't wnat to move any further then flirting online etc then you never need to go that extra step, you don't need to put much effort into it. Depending on the situation an WHY flirting I have come to realize is a lot like be ing a player. On eof the things I swore I would never become and I pretty much have become that and not even paid attention to that fact.

I have recently said I was sorry and yet did not fully understand why cause I couldn't fully see what was wrong from her eyes an perspective. So not too much longer after saying that I contunied to flirt with friends and others I had not even talked to in  avery long time. Even saying things that I was not trying to say. ONE word can change a statement from light to heavy very easy. But having even done the deed in the 1st place was the 1st mistake. So I know and only because I have deeply hurt the ONE person I swore I never would hurt do I realize that I have become what I always swore I would never become. A"Hurtful asshole who doesn't think b4 he reacts"...

Sorry is NOT enough atm and due to recent events I have be subjected to a lil of what I was doing, total humuliation, blocked, kciked out of more then just one life, and been told by many the type of person the SEE me as and it is NOT very good at all. I am not sure if I can get her back as she deserves a MILLION times better then I have treated her. It DOESN'T matter if outside of FU  everything was perfect between us...my actions in here said the exact opposite which makes me fake. Many people say FU is fake an NOT reality but I dont fully agree with that. You CAN hurt people, use people and basically fuck them over in here as anywhere else. Yes you can even fall in love with someone as that is kida chance and what you do with it...

I know and no not just by learning it on my own, but also an more importantly by having it told to me an MANY ways to have me experiance some of what it was I was doing, turned back on me...and it HURTS and hurts deep. The whole shaky, feeling like you can't breathe, numb, sick to your stomach, want to hide away in the deepest darkest whole, empty an all alone kind of hurt. Not even heart broken but more like ripped right out of your chest an crushed in ront of your face. Something that no one should ever go through yet I myself have caused this on another. I believe they say "a taste of your own medicine"

So what do I do? Some would say I have  afew options but I do not see that as true. I have only ONE. Even if it is too late, the only option left to me is to me is to pull my head out of my ass and take complete an total respeonsibility for ALL my actions. Change EVERY aspect of what I have been doing that is wrong, be the man that I have been, should be, wnat to be, and can be. I now know I can do that again but I am very regretful it took hurting seeing that she was hurt and how much so for me to realize that I need to change. I should have been able to figure it out on my own and I did not.

I will be making  alot of these changes emediately. I will not be looking in NSFW folders for any reason at all. My comments will be NUETRAL and not imply any type of emotion other then friendly. I will not tell any female that they are attractive, or beautiful or especially not sexy other then the one person I need in my life more then any other. I know how I felt with her and I now know what I feel like with OUT her. I know my chances are next to NONE that even if I become the man I once was, nurturing, lovin and caring and RESPECTFUL of all there is still no guarentee she would have me back. But i will make these changes an many more. I have  alot to prove, show and make up for. My ACTIONS must speak volumes of who I am as they certainly have shown what I had become. I will not be worries so much about being "Fu Popular" anymore. Oh I will still take care of my family but turth be told, my MONEY will be better spent outside of Fu where it actually belongs. If I get the chance again how ever long it may or may not take I will focus much more on her then I do on myself. Is that not how it should be? I like the "together" part but in some ways I was a lil too late for that.

To you directly BarBie as most anyone who is any one on FU knows enough to think they know it all already...I AM TERRIBLY SORRY FOR HURTING YOU, LYING, AND BEING DISRESPECTFUL TO YOU AN TO OUR RELATIONSHIP AND ABOVE ALL ELSE, THE LIL ONES. MY ACTIONS TO YOU DO REFLECT ON THEM AS WHY WOULD YOU WANT ME AROUND THEM IF I AM THIS TYPE OF PERSON...LIKE WITH MY OWN KIDS, YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO SHOW THEM DISRESPECT AND LIES. AS PARENTS ARE KIDS LOOK UP TO US AN LEARN FROM US AND YOU WOULD NOT HAVE THIS TYPE OF MAN  AROUND THEM....I WILL SHOW YOU THAT I CAN BE A RESPECFTFUL, LOVIN AND CARING MAN...THE TYPE YOU SAW BUT DID NOT CARRY IT OVER INTO HERE...I don't know if I will be able to bridge an fix the gap between us there is too much that depends on a great many things...so by my actions I hope that I can at min get back onto talking an friendly terms or at least not have you look upon me with discust an shame. I LOVE you but I did not show you love everywhere as i should have...No matter what happens you will ALWAYS have me as I was feeling complete with you so I know where I should have stayed...

Jason aka I Am WhAt I Am is a Fool and misses  BarBie :-)

25AUG2012

Been a min since I wrote in here. Kinda lost my motivation but I will find it again soon. I want to set a record striaght and this is a GREAT place for people to see in BLK/WHT or w/e color I use...what is going on or on my mind etc...I am SINGLE again...So there may be a few out there who hate that I flirt or leave comments on sexy pics etc etc but I just said I am SINGLE again. Have been for over a month now...

I also want to make it clear there are NO hard feelings...we are still friends just there are MANY issues that need to be worked out and NO I wont go into much more detail then that. Unlike a few on here I don't think posting everytime you brush your teeth and use the bathroom needs to be broadcasted for all to see lol. But plz let this serve as notice...I Am What I Am like me or not but youreally CAN'T judge me unless you KNOW me. Fans and Friends wanted lol. Let's FU :-)

2013!!

Sometimes in order to move forward and go ahead you need to reflect on the past...so 2012 for me was way more then a wirlwind rollercoaster ride for me. I lost my truck, lost more fellow brothers and sisters in the military. IRS came hunting me. I shelled out thousands of $$ to try and fix or take care of my credit and pay for crap that came up from 15 yrs ago. Yes California is poor as fuck and will do anything to get a buck. Trust me I can prove it 10x over. Andrew came to visit me for a few weeks. And yes we had FUN. Ayden realized he had more access to me then he knew previously, now him and Alexis txt me daily :D :D Sebastain turned 2 is is nothing less then a very smart handsome lil man and I miss him terribly but at leats he knows who I am. I have had to walk away from friends because they believe in things I don't...Tough but the right thing to do...

This yr is MY year. I fought through all the bs, contacted all the required people I needed. IRS is only still and issue cause that money is needed an very soon. I started a pre academy class to help better prepare me for the Academy. No I don't wish to be a Cop but I don't mind being a Sheriff Deputy and the main goal is simple. I will have way more then a completed Associates Degree in Criminal Justice (leaing on Law Enforcement) after completeion and I will also be able to be picked up from anywhere in Cali and a few surrounding states with more then the basic pay. My end goal is a Federal position. CBP has me on the list and I am applying to I.C.E. (Imigration Customs Enforcement) and even Capital Law Enforcement. The pre academy is actually pretty rough even considering all I ahve done in the military and the fact that I like to think I am in decent shape.. You have seen my pics :-P But they focus on so much that my body is always sore and those who know me know I push myself more then 110%. Yes there really is such a thing.

I will be debt free in a couple months aside from my repo of my truck (I owe nothing they actually ended up paying me money...but its on my credit) and a foreclosed home the IRS and a 3rd party are actually doing a review on as I was Deployed when I lost my home. I have done more then started back up the hill. I am focused, eating a lil better and taking care of my mind and body even more then I had previously. Lot's of gains and many smiles and I feel GREAT over-all. I am still focused on a move to VA. It still seems the right choice for me in so many ways and that will happen this yr one way or another I will be gone from Cali. 

I have already met a few new friends and at leass one very good potential possibility. Time will tell :) I LOVE school, it has helped me get focused and get my brain fired up. Use it or lose it plain and simple. Andrew is probably gonna move and stay with me this yr and move with me no matter where I end up. PROUD of that is all I can really say atm but there are far more emotions in me then just that :) After this IRS issue is fixed and reversed I will have a car again. Already have it lined up just waiting for my account to say there is some money in it lol. The Academy starts March 18th and I am more then ready.

I am taking my life more into my hands then the system cause this system is flawed if not broken. I remian positive for a great many reasons but most are my own. I refuse to give up, I refuse to let my disability stop me and I like climbing and crashing through walls so you just can't stop me long. ♥ and Hugz to my Family and Friends who read this. It's not just to update you all but also a lil bit of a release for me to talk a lil bit about a lil bit of my life. SMILE you never know who it will affect in turn....

NO PRIVATE PARTY OR INSTITUTION HAS MY PERMISIION TO USE OR COPY ANY OF MY PICTURES POSTED OR MY PROFILE.YOU WILL BE REPORTED