help
Current mood: blah
Category: Life
this winter has really placed a toll on me. ive been more depressed than ive been in a while. ive been doing a good job of hiding everything and putting on my big smile and faking my "happy-go-lucky" personality that you expect from me. ive always been good at acting. im barely eating again. which is how i can tell ive hit bottom. i havent been this bad since my sophomore year. im not quite as bad as i was then, but its getting there.
either way, im scared. i know that a lot of this is being caused from the stress of responsibilities that i have now as an adult. ...what i wouldn’t give to be 5 again. i’ve got bills to pay, a job i hate [that doesn’t pay enough], im terrified of driving...but its something that i have to do. ive realized that i know nothing about love, and everything i thought i knew about it up until this point was just an illusion. things can change. and change isn’t always a good thing. i miss having friends. real friends. and im sorry, i dont mean to offend you, but talking to me online and never hanging out with me, never even attempting to hang out with me doesn’t make you a real friend. i miss hanging out, and going places, doing nothing and everything all at once. as much as i hated high school, i didnt realize how much i’d miss it. atleast i felt like i had real friends at that point. i know mark has been busy with school and work, and melissa has her baby now. and its just this whole growing up thing really sucks. everything changes. and you either move foward or get left behind. i need to make some changes in my life. i need to go back to school. i need to build tighter bonds with select people. i need to figure myself out. and i need to learn to love myself. i think i may take a vacation in a month or two. by myself. just to spend time getting to know the person i am. and maybe helping change into the person i’d like to be...
