People often stop by and ask me if I am an "Aussie" or they tell me I am not an "Aussie".
They are 100% correct! I am not an Aussie. Although I am "Aussie" in my own right! Sit back my children and let me spin the tale of how I became....."Aussie".
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times........it was a hot day in Iraq as usual. I was starting to “chaf” more and more everyday! I had to find a way to make it stop! So I tried to go commando( not wearing underwear- for those who just don't get it). That didn't work either. The uniform's crotch is just rubbing me raw! What in god's name am I going to do? I can't spend all of my time in Iraq; fighting terrorism, only to have my crotch rubbed raw as my first concern. The humanity! So I was on my last attempt at finding something that was suitable for my loins. The boxer briefs made their way into my hands. Excitedly I tried them on( more like, this needs to work or I am fucked), they did the job just perfectly. Soon the rash and rubbing was gone. Who ever made these things are a life saver.
One day while relaxing on guard duty, I was reading one of the many magazines that have been left there by the many other people before me. This day I was reading Maximum magazine. As I read the magazine I came across advertisement for “AussieBum” underwear. Curiously; I looked at it. Feeling more and more gay as I looked at the pic of a man in underwear. However, I did not let that get to me. I wondered if it would feel better and keep me from chaffing. Only one way to find out?! I ordered my first pair of AussieBum underwear.
The day finally came. This is the day the “plain” packaged envelope came addressed to me. This day would become the first of many days that would define my character and draw more attention then needed to me. My team leader at the time arrived with all of our mail. While giving out the mail, they held onto the “plain” package. They wanted to know what was in it? Once they said it was from Australia, I knew what it was. Slightly embarrassed and knowing what would become of this, I blew it off and said it was a shirt that I had ordered off the Internet. This was not enough for the guys. They wanted to see the shirt. Any shirt that comes in a plain package...........something suspicious is going on! I now had no choice but to open the package and reveal the secret I was trying to avoid. Damm what can I do? Nothing! There is nothing I can do but face the music. So I pull out two pairs of AussieBum underwear from this package.........the laughs that ensued from this will remain with me for the rest of my life. Now the cat was out of the bag. It was Showtime! The guys were not happy with seeing what was in the bag, they needed to see me wearing the new underwear....the AussieBum's( sort of like the support bra, but for your jock)After about 45 minutes of constant taunting I finally gave in and tried on the AussieBum's. The hard part was not putting on the AussieBum's, it was showing them to a group of guys that would do nothing more then laugh and make jokes. Since I am an adult and know what it is like to be laughed at, I decided it would not be that big of a deal. Just show them the underwear and be done with it. No! It is not that easy. No one ever stops laughing or making jokes! Like I said before.......it was Showtime! I walked into the room where the guys were. There was a window behind me and several of my squad members in front of me. I undid my army pants and showed my new AussieBum underwear to all of the guys. It was as if I were a model on the runway........only this runway would be full of laughter and camera's to boot! People were taking pictures and laughing. Then as I looked behind me there was even more squad members staring “in horror” at what they were seeing, through the window. There I stood, army pants around my ankles, AussieBum underwear on and about a dozen people looking and laughing at me. Oh well!!! what can I do? So I put my pants on, joked about it with the guys for a little while and finished our guard shift that night. Without going into detail about the other times and new pairs of AussieBum's that I purchased, this would become the defining moment that would change everything people ever thought about me.
Today I am now know as “Aussie”.
