JENN's blog: "writtings not by me"

The Day my Jeff Died This is what I wrote about that fateful day. What happened before, during and after.... Really tough to write and tough to read, too! =============================================================================== I keep flashing back to the day that it happened, November 7, 2004. It started like a regular Sunday morning. You getting up and having breakfast (Cinnamon Toast Crunch) and watching cartoons in the living room. Stephen was going to cook a late breakfast of bacon, potatoes, eggs, the whole works. I was putting your new school picture in the picture frame that has every year of school’s pictures in it and you and I were goofing about how this picture came out and some of your pictures and how you had a few “chubby” years, etc... You came over behind me and hugged me and I told ya to watch out cuz I might sneeze boogers on your arm cuz of my cold! I told ya that the internet was taken away again because of the porn sites you had visited and you were like, yeah, ok... You vacuumed the floor while Stephen and I were outside burning cardboard, etc. We came in and were watching the Patriots and you went outside to play your drums and you sounded as great as ever. When you came in I commented on how Ringo needed to “watch out” and you muttered something like “Ringo.. hah.. he sucks!”... You said you were starting to feel yucky like me because you caught my cold. I was like, ugh, that sucks and then I said that bacon would be ready in like 5-10 minutes, ok? And you said, ok and went to your room.... About 5-7 minutes later I yelled for you w/no answer. I thought that you had your headphones on, as usual, so I went down and knocked on your door and swung the door opened a little and saw that you weren’t in your chair or on your bed and I was like, hmm, that’s weird.. So I went out back to yell for you in case you were playing your drums.. Nope. I knocked on the bathroom, but nope. I went out the front door to see if you were getting something out of the car, but nope. Then the hair was standing up on the back of my neck for some reason. I looked into the guest room, but nope. And then I went back into your room and actually went into it and then I saw your feet and the bottom of your Potato Head pajama bottoms in your closet. And when I went into your closet, there you were, hanging by a cloth belt. Your eyes were red and dilated and your tongue was slightly hanging out. I screamed and screamed for Stephen while I tried to lift you up to untie the knot. Stephen came running in and he took over trying to get you down and I ran to the kitchen for scissors. When I got back into your room Stephen had some how managed to get you down and we pulled you out of the closet onto the bedroom floor and Stephen immediately began CPR and mouth to mouth. I just knew that your were already dead. I could “feel” it inside... I ran to call 911 and stayed on the phone with them until they arrived, running from the front door to look for them back to your room to see how you were doing and how Stephen was doing w/the CPR. It took them about 15 minutes to get here because we live so far away from the center of the city. They finally arrived and began doing “their thing”. The sheriff was making Stephen sit down in a chair in the bathroom because he was completely wiped out from doing the CPR so hard and for so long. The deputy was trying to keep me out of your room, but I already knew what was going on. I knew that EMT’s try so hard to work on children, I think more for the parents’ sake than actually getting any results because when I looked in I could see that they had shocked you a few times and they had put a tube down into your lungs to breath for you and had you hooked up to the monitor and it was completely “flat lined”. They put you on a stretcher and wheeled you out of the front door into the ambulance. They didn’t want me in the ambulance because actually there was no room, but I also think because they “knew” that you were really already dead. Stephen and I followed the ambulance with it’s lights flashing, and sirens going, for that long drive back into the city to the hospital. The whole time I could see through the back windows and watched them try and try to get you back. I called my sister Stephanie and was telling her that he’s dead, I know he’s dead, oh my god, over and over and over and over. We arrived at the emergency room and someone came out and asked if I wanted to go into the room with you and of course I did! They had you on the emergency room bed, took x-rays to see if the breathing tube was in the right place, and basically the doctor came over to me and said that yes the tube was in, but they could keep on trying, but honestly, you was dead. No heartbeat. No nothing. They eventually stopped and there was the flatline.... My Jeffrey was Dead! I was in total shock. People were rubbing my back and talking to me but all I could see was my baby, my special Jeffrey, my one and only child, dead on the hospital bed. I asked the doctor to remove the breathing tubes so I could sit with you for a little while and he did. I sat there and stroked your beautiful hair and cleaned up your mouth and nose and held your hand. I talked to you over and over and asked why, oh why did you do this? Were you so sad? Why didn’t I see this? Oh my god, I love you baby, I love you my Jeffrey... Everyone from the police station where I work came down. The Chief, Sgt Luvera, Sgt McElroy, Brenda, Gayle, a couple from the Catholic church down the street and the Chaplain for the police department. He sat with me and Stephen and then he said a prayer over my baby. I talked with you for a little while longer, but I just couldn’t stay anymore because you were beginning to change. You were becoming so cold and so blue that I didn’t want to remember you that way. I remember feeling like I was a coward but I just couldn’t. I felt like I was there on that special, fantastic day when you were born and I was there when you died. The coroner came after she had seen you and had spoken with the Deputy. The deputy had stayed back at the house after he asked if he could go through some of your stuff and find out why you did this. Well, apparently because of how you were found, and the lack of anything “sad or depressing” or any notes, and because of how the knot was tied and how the pillows that were stacked underneath you, the Deputy and the Coroner ruled it “Accidental Hanging” (auto-asphyxiation). We found out a few days later, after looking on my computer, that you had been to a website that explained, step by step, how to achieve this unbelievable “high” by cutting off the blood supply for just a little while to your head and then you stand up and it feels so euphoric! Auto-asphyxiation is what it’s called. I had never heard of this! Only vaguely had I heard about it in a “sexual” way, but according to the deputy and later from hearing from people who came to his wake and funeral and the kids that were his friends, kids are doing this ALL OF THE TIME! I was like, HUH?? I was always so glad that you and I could talk about ANYTHING... Sex, drugs, drinking... very openly and frankly and of course with our own unique humor added to it, but this? I freakin’ never heard of this... and come to find out later, there’s websites explaining how Great it is and how to do it “Right” with message boards from kids all over the world writing in on how great it was! I’m like – HELLO – how f**kin’ stupid!.... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Anyway, a kind nurse came in quietly and asked me if I had given any thought to organ donation. I’m like, thought, I don’t think I’m THINKING now! But, I told her yes because you and I had spoken about how I was an organ donor (and you loved to tell me that, mom, when you finally die your organs will be such a mess, who will want them! J) and how you wanted to do that because, why not? I wasn’t going to NEED them anymore and how cool would it be for my heart to be beating in someone else and how your personality “of doom”! would come through! What a goober you could be! So I did – I donated your organs, tissues, corneas, whatever they needed. Why not because you were healthy and young and you were gone and someone else might need them in order to live! One of the funny things I thought of later on that day was when they told me that a special team of doctors would be med-flighted here to do the ‘surgery’ aspect of it and then med-flight back to Seattle, I was thinking that OH MY GOD, Jeff would think that was WAY TOO COOL! You know... cuz I know you would.... the drama of it all... Grandma was in Las Vegas and flew to Seattle that day and stayed overnight there and got here the next day. Stephanie and Leslie were also on their way. Graeme came for like 20 hours... I felt bad that he couldn’t stay longer, but... I guess that’s all he could handle or something, I don’t know... Adam and his girlfriend Niki (who grandma always seemed to call her Molly) were flying in also... Alex and Mattie were coming too... It all blurs a little now at this point... We had to make plans for your wake and funeral. People were coming every day with breakfast, lunch and dinner (between the police dept and Stephen’s co-workers) and that helped SOOOO much because it was something I just couldn’t even think about, you know? Everyone was here and was crying and reminiscing and talking about you. We cleaned up your room a bit (just the stuff all over the floor, as usual! Lol) and one of the nights a whole mess of your friends came over to see your room and talk about you and some went away with a sweatshirt or shirt or stuffed animal or magic cards... just so they could have something of you, you know? It was so great to have them here and hear them tell stories about you on how you’d go up to a bully and hug him and say something like well, now what are you going to do about that? And in the infamous words of Rodney King, can’t we all get along.. and then you take the kid that was being bullied and walk him away. Or how someone bet you $50 to wear a dress all day, and then you DID. (Lacey ended up wearing that dress on the day of your funeral). I was glad they came over because of all of the rumors that were going around school and the youth center about how you died. So I told them exactly how it happened and some were like, yeah, wow, I’ve done that!... I bet they won’t anymore! So many cards came. So many phone calls. So many caring, thoughtful people were around. Your friends made posters and cards, etc... Leslie and Steph made posters of so many of your pictures and they were displayed at your wake. We had your wake from 4-8, I think... on Thursday. Oh my God, so many kids were there crying and talking and just touching your hair and leaving things to be buried with you. Some stayed the whole time. It was so tough to see you there in that casket – tough doesn’t even begin to describe how it felt... so final.. so sad, you know? Stephen and Alex and I made some music CDs that were piped in with your favorite music and Stephen made a CD of pictures of you on PowerPoint and we played that on his laptop right near your casket. So many people sent flowers... The next day was the funeral and I just couldn’t believe how many people were there – SOOOOO many! The church was completely full with kids and officers and just people everywhere. Standing room only actually! The mayor was there and I know some of who were there, but it’s so fuzzy in my mind. Leslie spoke about your and read the infamous “Build a Bridge” poem that you “wrote”! and Mattie did the readings. While I was sitting there, next to Stephen, holding your little stuffed bear, Snuffie, I could hear my Mattie throughout the whole service responding with each response and singing with each song so loud in my left ear. It was so great to have that... Then there was a little refreshment thingy in the church hall. I can’t even begin to tell you who was there or what the food was or anything.... but just so many people hugging me and talking to me. It helped so much... We then had you cremated with everything that was in the casket with you. And when we were making the arrangements with the funeral home (the whole “business aspect” of that was a little surreal, you know? With price plans, etc...) we had to look at the urns and when I saw the one that was a shiny, black, cool looking one, I was like, yup, that’s the one! Your dad and auntie babs and jean came. They stayed at the Eburg inn and they ended up coming over here to see where you lived. They were there at the wake and funeral and then that’s really all I saw of them. I felt bad for your dad because of how he left it with you and how he treated you for so long, but... you know... it sounds crass but one reaps what they sow, u know?? Anyways...So then everyone left as the days went on, adam and niki were the last to go and Mattie stayed with us until we traveled to Massachusetts to have a memorial mass for you at the 2nd Church. We put the dogs in a kennel and kitty stayed here with tons of food and water and was ok. It was hard to leave you “here” if you know what I mean, but... I was hoping that you would be flying along with me, on my shoulder or wherever........ I’ll miss our mutual “flipping each other off” and our colorful banter back and forth. You just “got" me and my weird humor. Well, of course you “got” it, you had the exactly the same humor! I miss laughing at dumb stuff with you and each of us trying to make the goofiest face. I miss taking you up to the bus stop in the morning and picking you up at the Youth Center at the end of the day... Or seeing you walk towards work after the youth center to meet me at work... you would just amble SLOWLY down the sidewalk with your headphones on... Of course some of that change, well, the walking part did when I accidentally ran over your foot! OMG I felt so bad, but you were so freakin’ funny with how you’d sit on the couch and be like... “oh I’m soooo hungry, I think I’ll go get some popcorn or something...oh wait... I can’t move too much because YOU RAN OVER MY FOOT!”... and of course, I’d get the freakin’ popcorn... tooooooo funny... I remember when we went to the emergency room and how we were absolutely cracking everyone up because we were joking back and forth over and over and how freakin’ ironic it was that it was the same doctor that pronounced you dead on just a few weeks later... they all remembered us (the nurses, docs, techs) from when we were there before and were just so sad... So.... we’re having a memorial service at the 2nd church. Just a service with your pictures, etc.. with the new pastor there with Leslie speaking again and Graeme has asked to speak at the service also...It will be ok... I know you’re around... well, I suppose I HOPE you’re around me.. I’m sitting there in the airport parking lot waiting for our luggage to arrive and I see people smiling and laughing and I just want to SCREAM. Like HELLO, my baby is gone – shut the f**k up, you know??