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Damn... today is a sad day. Every time I talk to Corey, I get sad. It's been almost 2 years, you'd think I'd have learned to move on... but no... apparently I haven't. Sometimes I think I hate him, sometimes I never want to talk to him again... but in the end, I still love him. Yeah... still. He loved me... The only guy who ever has... and I pushed him away. I pushed away the guy who asked me to marry him. When I watched him walk away, I knew... I knew things would never be completely whole again... My heart would never be the same again... and I would never be completely there 100%. People walk away from me now and part of my trust goes too. You walk away once and I'll never completely trust you, there's no reason for me too. So keep doing it... you figure it out. I don't think I am all that bad of a person... I will love you with every ounce of my being, but if you don't feel the same, why should I care? Why should I? You obviously don't have anything invested in me... not enough to care like I do. So why should I keep trying? I just get distant. Sad. I cry... I've been sad... to sad. I don't want to do anything but lay in my bed and cry, but I know that wont solve anything so I go out and do my normal daily activities half ass. I'm tired all the time... I lay awake at night thinking... Thinking of how I fucked up... thinking of how I can make what I have better... but it's hard... Relationships are two sided and I feel like one side doesn't give a fuck if the other stays or goes, the other side being ripped apart inside because the other isn't completely there. I'm done after this... if it doesn't work out... never again. I have to many problems, to many issues to deal with, and I tell people that from the get go... Corey had no problem telling me he loved me. He told me constantly. And I never doubted him for a second. It's been so long now... if I hear it, I'll probably doubt it. I have every reason to. It came so naturally... I was his angel. He never yelled at me, never raised his voice, never hit me, never did anything to never hurt me... all he did was love me... all he did was break my heart. But he promised to look after me... and he has. I still talk to him... and I think I need that... as much as it kills me... at least he's still in my life... I don't even know anymore about this thing we call life. All it does it crush me, break me down and tear me apart. Well, that was more than I wanted to say.
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