I am coming to realize I don't know myself at all. The more I try to sort out who and what I am, the more I find the edges shifting and degrading. I do believe that for some women, being in control and strong and being able to do it all is important. The whole "female activist" attitude is a true calling to some. But, not to me. I am the old fashioned girl who wants to devote her love and soul to one man. Yes, I don't want to work, i want to love and support my family from home. I realize in looking back, that I have struggled with this mindset and therefore, have rebelled against simply doing so.
Instead of simply freeing myself to my feelings and desires, I have fought them. Now that it's too late, I am coming to see this. I wonder in the dark of night, if things could be done again, would I be able to keep these walls torn down and simply - be me - or would I start to struggle again with general acceptance? would i be able to hold my head up for being honest to myself, or would I be battered down because my soul's desires are "wrong" to the world, and to my family?
I am submissive, I accept that to feel whole and at peace, I need the domination in my life. But, now I wonder, am I more? Could I let go and truely give myself to a Master - not fight for equality, but accept a "place" in his life? Could I be true to this need and desire without fighting to be "enough" of this and not "too much" of that? Is the fact that I want to be his only an accepted part or is it subliminal control? Are the overwhelming emotions I feel for him pure and self-less or are they domination in my own way?
Could I actually give him EVERYTHING and become a slave personality? Could I give up my self? Litterally become a possesion and nothing more? To be honest, I fear I could, but how could I do so and be a strong mother as well? Wouldn't it be a detriment to my children in this day and age to BE ME? Everything we read says that an intimidated and cowed mother will do damage to their children, as will a "bully" of a father. Even though I don't agree that a healthy D/s relationship is this way, what if I can't portray that well to my kids?
There is no going back to a Vanilla lifestyle. I can't deny my soul, my every breathe is for this, my heart beats to this step. I AM me. Yet, what could I be with a loving caring Master, one who takes these fears and misgivings, and helps me see them in a truthful light. What if one were to love me enough to help me be strong enough to face my fears, to give me support and help me hold my head high. Is there one out there who is able to see past my fuckups to my true desires and wishes? Or to see that with trust and love, anything is possible?
