*If life is a gift, does that make God an Indian giver?
*Why do we call it taking a piss or taking a shit? Seriously, just where are we taking it? Are we taking it to your leader? Should we wrap it with pretty pink bows? If anything aren't we giving a shit? I made it, now I give it to the world. But if that were the case, and someone says "I don't give a shit," are they admitting constipation?
*Speaking of shit, why is it you can drop a shit the size of Chile and you barely need a single square of toilet paper to get yourself entirely squeaky clean, but heaven forbid it's that one pinky sized turd--half a roll later and you finally just give up and give in to the fact you're gonna have treadmarks.
*Why is it that Rhode Islanders only seem to use blinkers when it's the wrong one?
*You're on the highway. You're at a merge. You go, I go, you go, I go. WORK ON THIS.
*Does anyone else remember back in the day (think grade school) when blowing someone was more commonly referred to as "buffing" them? Which, if you think about it, actually makes more sense. To buff is to apply a spit shine by use of excessive moisture and deep grinding, whereas there is no actual blowing involved in a blowjob. Well, not in a good one at least.
*While we're on the topic of semantics, anyone else remember how back in the day "boner" meant one of two things and neither applied to your dick. A boner was either a big goof up (I made a boner), or it was one of the precious Seaver kids' best friends on Growing Pains (Yo Mikey!).
*Furthermore, and this may have just been a RI thing, but anyone else remember in the early 80's when "Fuck up" was a much more common suggestion and tag up on walls than it's more popular modern persona, "Fuck you"?
*Why do people get so freaked out if you walk over a grave? First of all, they're dead. Secondly, if they're lingering around, I'm sure they must be happy for the company considering some of these people have been dead for so long it's not like they're getting regular visits. Thirdly--for all the people that say it's a respect thing--if we respected the dead that much we'd have them cremated and not buried. I'm sure the dead are much more troubled by the things living and feeding off their remains than they are by you walking six feet overhead.
*Would you rather die in a fire or by drowning? Why? Think first before answering. This is trickier than it seems. Drowning offers less immediate pain, but you remain conscious almost to the very end, aware of the fact that you are slowly suffocating and that you are about to die. Fire hurts, but it is such an intense pain that you would more than likely go into shock (numb) and/or pass out and then die, also by suffocation and not the fire itself.
*What's so great about Heaven? Seriously stop and think about an eternity of perfect bliss. Everything serene forever and ever and ever. No troubles, no worries--FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER. Can someone say bored now? As much as we hate drama, and most of us do, you have to admit that living in a perfectly unflawed environment--FOREVER--offers nothing to the human existence. One of our main impulses from the moment we're born is to learn as much as we can. Unfortunately you can only learn so much from a happy tranquil perfectly blissful setting before it gets boring and you can no longer stand being there where everything is the same and you know everything. Throw in a little bit of much hated drama, and suddenly things get interesting again and you learn new lessons.
*On the flip side--how can there actually be a Hell? We're expected to buy into the notion that 75 years of bad decision making is worth the punishment of a torturous unyeilding ever after, for all eternity, forever and ever and ever--amen? Puh-leez! Kind of harsh for 75 years of stupidity, no? And I suppose the boogeyman is also coming to get me if I don't do what the babysitter says too, right?
*For all the bible thumpers out there who love to quote Sodom and Gomorrah in their quest to keep gays from marrying, for God himself has said that NO man shall lay with another man as he would with woman. . . Read on. Within the very same chapter we learn that the one man, Lot, saved by God when Sodom and Gomorrah came to a horrific end for being impure and harboring immoral acts against mankind and God himself (i.e. buttfucking), this one man, who was so pure that he should be spared, took to a cave with his daughters--where they proceeded to get him drunk and lay with him so that they may both bear his seed. Nice to know same sex is so horrific when incest that might yield crazy inbred offspring is something worth being saved for. But wait, did it not also state in Leviticus that no man shall lay with any woman close to him in relation? You know what--if gays want to marry, let them marry. They have just as much right to be miserable as straight people do. (Sidebar: If you think I'm kidding go read Genesis, Chapter 19 all the way to the end.)
*Is it possible to burp and fart at the same time?
*This one got me kicked out of class in the good old Catholic school. The nun was explaining the concept that God made all and God is eternal. So naturally, I wanted to know, who made God? The nun explained with a look of sheer awe in her eye that nobody made God! God forever was and forever shall be! I insisted, but who made God? You can't just have something that's always been there. Everything has a start and an end, that's the one gaurantee we have in life. Even things that last forever come to an end eventually. The nun grew somewhat frustrated, apparently logic is frowned upon in religion class, and explained again, "God is forever. He has always been there and will continue to be after all else has ceased. It's impossible for a mere human to comprehend such a magnificent concept, but that's what makes God God." Seeing my blank stare which clearly let her know I still wasn't biting, she sighed, picked up a piece of chalk and drew a perfect circle on the board. Placing the chalk down smugly, she smiled, "This circle is God, there is no beginning, and there is no end, it just is." I looked at her, and then at the circle and responded, "Well to the average person coming in off the street, but I saw you pick up the chalk and draw the circle, so who drew God?" [Sidebar: I just watched a movie where the devil was described as one who would sway the believers by being very rational and using science, common sense and logic to aid in his evil-doings. So either I am in fact the antichrist are you are just schizophrenic if you adhere to a paranoid no-win delusion. (That last part was also from the same movie.)]
*What if life is just a dream, and death is the waking?
*If twin souls (one soul split in two and put in two bodies) do exist, and two such persons met and fell in love, would they just be fucking themself?
*If you found out you had exactly two days to live, how would you spend them?
*This is for the chicks. I want you to imagine for a second that your boobs are located between your legs. Now further imagine in that scenario that your underwear is your bra. Now think of that the next time you make a comment about a guy readjusting his nuts. If he spends more than half a minute he's open game, otherwise, look away as we do every time one of you readjusts your bra and/or your boobs in public. They are uncomfortable and they get in the way and they are locked deep within a crevasse. Of course we're going to readjust.
*Seriously--what IS the difference between up the street and down the street. Think about it. If you get lost and you pull over and ask someone "How do you get to Smith St?" They might look at you and smile and reply, "Oh, it's right up the street, keep going straight." Let's say said someone looked shiesty so you pull over to the next random someone two feet ahead and ask him the same question. He, too, smiles, but he says, "Oh, just keep going down this street and it's right there," as he points you in the same exact direction as up the street. So, I guess my point is, who gets to decide if something is up the street or down the street? Is there a logical way to determine which is which? What if all this time I've been directing people to the store up the street and it's really, in fact, the store just down the street? Dilemmas, dilemmas!
*This next one actually came from my college Western Civ Professor, Professor Lucas, but it still makes me think to this day: "How do we know that life as we know it wasn't invented complete with memories intact five minutes ago?" Mind boggling. In that theory even science couldn't prove anything because it would all be part of the intact memories at the moment of creation. I find this one to be right up there with "How do you know the room is still there after you leave it?"
*Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that when you drink from a can of bud it kind of smells like medical tape?
--well, i think that's it for now. i'll add more if i think of any. feel free to add your own.
