There is a reason that pain rhymes with insane. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Chronic pain is an issue that I deal with. Most days it is like an insect buzzing around my head, slightly annoying but manageable. Bad days feel like a gorilla has put on a pair of 8" stiletto heels and is dancing the Lord of the dance on my lumbar area. Riverdance and Clogging are not things that need to be done to a spine.
They say (who ever THEY are) that that which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. To quote another over used cliche, I now believe that I CAN carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. At least on a day like today it feels as though it is already there.
Most people looking at me would probably not notice my "handicappedness" (other than of course the occasional firing on blonde moments) I look normal (whatever that is.) Most days I walk normally. I suppose that could be why most people don't understand why I don't work. I just don't look "Hurt" enough. When a "BAD" pain day rolls in like a storm across the water. it becomes apparent that there really is something not quite right. I start walking like I was ass raped by something the size of a football.
This is a time when everyday things that are normally taken for granted become virtually impossible. Simple things.... like putting on pants feel like someone yanked the rip-cord and the air gets caught in the chute. I will spare the analogies of trying to get up and down off the toilet.
Seriously, I would take childbirth over this pain. At least with childbirth there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is an end to the pain.
What bothers the the most about having chronic pain issues is all the "tap dancing" I have had to do. Every agency that I deal with wants a definitive diagnosis. There isn't just ONE there are several. The people that I meet with of course see me on a low end pain day. So once again I look like a quasi-normal person. They tend to believe that I am being a hypochondriac. Trying to dodge being a responsible adult. Yeah I love the fact that I can only pay one bill a month because I have to buy "unnecessary" things like toilet paper and tampons.
I adore going to the grocery store and having to use my bridge card. Even the cashiers look at you like a lazy person when you have one of those. Let me also mention that the "insurance" that I have is so dedicated to helping me. It doesn't cover the "good" pain clinic where they actually listen to you and try to help you. I get to go to the Ghetto pain clinic. There the only time I get to see an actual MD is when I get shots. Normally I am stuck with the PA that has no personality.
I would now like to tell a joke..... pain management. The only thing I manage to get from that is a headache trying to find a pain killer that will actually help and is covered by my insurance. Still waiting for the punchline? So am I.
