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Obsidian's blog: "Stuff"

created on 01/05/2008  |  http://fubar.com/stuff/b175170
Tonight, I found Celinia's old livejournal (for those keeping score and not in the know, Celinia was my last serious girlfriend. We were together for about two and a half years, living together for two of those years). She moved out in mid-December of 2004, almost exactly two years after we started dating. In reflection (to be cliched, hindsight is always 20/20), she was unhappy with our relationship for the last six months of that. I think it was mostly the financial issues and the neighbor from hell. I think my own issues had a lot to do with her being unhappy. Anyway, those revelations are for a different post, that I will probably never make, as I try not to dwell on the past, and have learned my lessons. What occurred to me is that I've been mentioning to people that ask, that it's been about two years since Celinia and I broke up. In reality, her moving out was really the point of the breakup - we just didn't have closure then. In reality, it's been three and a half years since we broke up - three years since we both got our closure. She and I have been apart longer than we were together. Since Celinia and I broke up, I've busied myself with Zombie Death, work, and friends (that I only see for two months out of the year - I'm such a lousy friend). I've been making excuse after excuse to not start dating again - not ready, not in an appropriate living situation, too busy with the movie, too busy with work, etc. It's all just excuses. I've been busying myself with easy-to-leave online "relationships" for a sense of being loved. That really doesn't cut it. They're easy to leave for a reason. The only excuse that I've used that actually makes some sense is actually attributed to a more distant ex-girlfriend, who started as an online relationship - I want and deserve more than a one night stand or brief fling. While this might be great for my morals, it doesn't take care of my more animalistic needs. What all of this boils down to is "Why am I not dating again?" The real problem is that I know the answer to that question: "It's been so long, I don't remember how." I'm older now, the financial climate has changed (meaning I can't afford to just go hang out at a club or bar like I used to). I'm horribly out of shape, and really need to do something about it. I'm disgusted looking at myself. How can anyone else find me attractive when I can't stand to look at myself? (nearly a year of unemployment, too much computer time, and then taking a job that has me tasked in front of a computer, often with nothing to do besides fill out crosswords or play solitaire [what else does a maintenance team do when they're so good that there's no maintenance to be done] has destroyed my body - I really miss my in-shape stage crew days). I honestly only barely even remember how to break the ice with anyone anymore. Normally, the only times I do, I'm at work, and it would just be in bad form (not to mention VERY against company policy) to try and get anything going then (yeah.. I met a HOT single chick at the airport last week - she seemed to be all about me, wanting me to make a move, and I didn't because I was wearing that damn BWI badge). Outside of all of that, my only other possible prospects are Internet deals, which I place about as much faith in as I do in GWB's capability of upholding the Constitution, are as such: There's one chick... very cute, young (only 21... 22 in a couple months), from Colorado. She's looking to do her graduate work at John's Hopkins... she wants to "get together" when she comes out for her interview at Hopkins. Her biggest selling point is her sense of humor: she was raised Muslim, and is a Muslim to this day, but she finds the American hatred of Muslims to be highly amusing. She's just as American as the rest of us - born here - but likes to play up her Muslim heritage and beliefs as a means of causing chaos. She really is a lot of fun. The other possible prospect is a woman from Pittsburgh, also met on the Internet. She's a cool chick too. She works at the mall that the original Dawn of the Dead was filmed in. She's generally cool... matches my kink levels, has a lot of good conversation to provide, yet she's 35 and still works retail in a management capacity. I'm almost 33, and have become a demigod of security at an international airport. Most of you know how sketchy my employment history has been. I finally got myself a career. I'm not sure that I want to even think about getting involved with someone that hasn't yet figured it out. What's the number one problem with both of them? Yep, you guessed it... Internet chicks. I place absolutely no faith in either of them until they're local. If I can't get to their house in less than 45 minutes, nothing serious is EVER going to happen. Fuck... I'm just rambling now.... Bottom line is... why the fuck am I not dating again? I need to answer that for myself. [Edit - correcting facts]
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