SexiestEyez's blog: "Things I'm Thinking About"

I thought I was his good girl. I thought I was the one who would finally earn his love. I thought I was doing the right things. Tonight I have been informed that by my own statements that I was his slave. Re-reading my words (not verbatim): I had to ask for money to buy personal items. I was allowed to use the pc when all my chores were done. I was told the food was good only when he liked it [it went flying once]... ...(I had to make other meals just because the one I made wasn't the one he wanted or liked after I had already made one meal). Thinking about it, I cooked every meal every night, cleaned the house and outside, took out the trash, brought in the money and turned it over to him, made his coffee, put his food on his plate and fixed his drinks, got out his clothes, folded his socks so that there was a right and left sock in each pair, and other things that I'm sure I've missed or don't see yet. The more I think about what has been pointed out, the sicker and emptier I'm feeling inside. I don't know how someone else can see what I was going through was worse than I did, and I'm the one who lived it!!! WHY DIDN'T I SEE IT??????? Why did he do that to me? What did I do so wrong? What made him hate me so much??? Thank you James for showing me what I didn't see.

Ever had someone who could pick you up and throw you down in the same sentence? Ever have someone who claimed to love you and all they ever did was hurt you? Ever have someone who's touch was rarely loving and that caused more pain than you thought you could endure? Ever have someone who would rather call you a degrading name than your own? Ever have a person who you were so afraid of that you stayed for fear of leaving them and dealing with their wrath? I just left that person. I am starting all over. I have the most important person by my side, My Daughter. She is keeping me together, though at times I just want to fall apart. I know I can't rely on her that way, it's not fair for her. She doesn't understand the situation. She will adjust in time, as will I. We are going to have a lot to learn and a long way to travel before we are able to put the past behind us. I didn't suffer alone. She was there. She heard the yelling and crying. She endured some minor verbal abuse, but abuse is abuse. I do feel that I let her down and that I was a bad mother for having let that happen to her. My family says I'm a good mother because I got her out of the situation. I should have been a better mother and NEVER have brought her into the situation to begin with.