faiRy loveR's blog: "things i love!"

(SOMEONE SENT THIS TO ME AND I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY AND WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU ALL) 1. A guy's butt is never a factor in a job interview. 2. A guy's orgasms are real. Always. 3. A guy's last name stays put. 4. The garage is all his. 5. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 6. He doesn't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night. 7. Chocolate is just another snack. 8. He can wear a white shirt to a water park. 9. Foreplay is optional. 10. He never feels compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. 11. Car mechanics tell him the truth. 12. He doesn't give a rat's ass if someone notices his new haircut. 13. The world is his urinal. 14. Hot wax never comes near his pubic area. 15. He never has to drive to another gas station because "this one's just too icky." 16. Same work . . . more pay. 17. Wrinkles add character. 18. He doesn't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. 19. Wedding Dress $2,000; Tux rental $100. 20. If he retains water, it's in a canteen. 21. People never glance at his chest when he is talking to them. 22. Princess Di's death was just another obituary. 23. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 24. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle his feet. 25. Porn movies are designed with him in mind. 26. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 27. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" 28. One mood . . . all of the time.

Dear Child, I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out. Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom. Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then,they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do...with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? " "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service." "Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And... about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

IF YOU COULD KILL ME HOW WOULD YOU KILL ME?

Submitted by volleygirl1005 on 7/16/06 in the One Liners category. 1.Sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN". 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds". 7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy". 8. Don't use any punctuation. 9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat -with a serious face. 11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 12. Sing along at the opera. 13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work. 14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 16. Have your coworkers address you by you wrestling name, Rock Bottom. 17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!" 18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!" 19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." 20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . e-mail this to someone to make them smile. Its called therapy

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." And then the mail man came and I asked his help too, but still he can't do it too. So I tried heating it on top of the stove, but nothing happened! The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor and the mail man and tried to heat it on the stove?" The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open the cover was very tight."

Vibrators don't have problems with gas ... Nor do they hog the remote ... Nor the computer! - We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut. - Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries when it tires. - Position is your choice, not his. - You don't have to suck it. - It works "while" the sports games are on. - It always is hard. - It doesn't leave a mess behind. - You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it. - It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs. - It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards. - You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home. - You don't have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it the next morning. - You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to! - They don't get tired after the first time. - They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood. - They never drink too much and embarrass you. - You don't have to tell the vibrator he's the best you ever had! - Vibrators don't prematurely ejaculate. - Safe sex without a rubber. - Vibrators don't ask who your Daddy is. - Vibrators last as long as YOU want them to last. - You don't have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it ! - As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going! - Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times! - Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!! - They never ask how they were. - They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you. - You don't have to dress up for your vibrator. - You don't have to stroke its ego. - They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go. - It doesn't leave a wet spot. - You can carry it with you at all times, and not feel obligated to feed it. - It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard - It has no problem finding the "g spot." - You know exactly where its been. - Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.

This is soooo Fucked UP and funny as hell!! So, one day... a girl was sick and her boyfriend had come over to fix her up and make her feel better... so he brought some soup, brownies, and a tape with some re-runs of the OC and Laguna Beach. He makes the soup and sets everything on a table next to her and pops in the tape. She eats the soup and watches the video. Her boyfriend says that he's gotta go to meet a friend, so he leaves and she breaks out the brownies. She finishes them right as the video tape was over... right after Laguna Beach ends, it cuts to a scene with her boyfriend getting a blowjob from her best friend and she spits his kum into the bowl of brownie mix. He looks at the camera and says, "You've just been dumped."

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth. .. ============= 2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow. ============= 3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. ============= 4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers! ============= 5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being. ============= 6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy! ===========! == 7 . Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM. ============= 8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up. ============= 9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain. ============= 10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever. =============