Submissive Dreamz FE2 Eddie's blog: "These Are My Words... From My Heart They Flow"

I have been struggling the past for months and felt as things were hopeless. Tonight I watched something which I believe was the answer to my prayers.

I watched Idol Gives Back and I was touched to see so many people wanting to make a difference. What touched me even more were the stories that were told of how little people have and millions dying each year from hunger or illness, yet these people are happy and thankful for life and the little they do have.

The story that stood out the most was about a 7 year old girl who Annie Lennox visited with. This little girl was born with Aids cause her mother didn't have the right medicine needed to protect the baby while she was pregnant. Not long after the baby was born the mother died. At 7 years old this little girl was nothing but skin and bones and weighed as much as a 1 year old baby. The doctors and nurses said there was little hope for her. Annie Lennox went back to visit the girl after a few months and found a miracle. Through the generosity of others the little girl got the treatment she needed and his now the normal weight of a 7 year old child and is expected to live a long and healthy life. Needless to say I was a wreck by the end of this story and was ready to rip through a box of tissues.

Next time you think your life is so bad and there is no hope just think there is someone who has it worst and no matter what they continue to move on. Be grateful for things you have. We need to learn to count our blessing and not our troubles.

Have you ever felt lost and alone, like you don't fit in or belong anywhere? It seems to be I am nothing to no one and the only time anyone bothers with me is if they need and favor or need to bitch and has no one else to vent to. Apparently I am inconvenience to both family and friends. I rarely ever leave my house. Seems like the walls in my house are my best friend. I use my computer to help forgot about life but even on here it seems the only people to get attention are those who whore themselves out. I am not one to complain and I really don't ask for much. All I want is to matter to someone. For once I want to know what it is like to be priority and some shadow in the background. I am completely miserable and honestly can't remember that last time I was truly happy. I guess I am one of those people who is destined to live a lonely sad life.

Ok I hope I am not defending anyone by saying this because that not the intention, but why can't people be happy with who they are or how they look? You are the way you are for a reason. Don't go by what other who don't know you or those who don't care for because they haven't taken the time to get to know you. Listen to those who have taken the time to know you and see the beautiful person you are. We all are beautiful in our way. Besides true beauty is found from within and not from what you look like or how you dress. You can have the body of a barbie doll and the face of a porcelain doll, but if you have a dark heart and soul then you are the ugliest person alive.

Well 2009 has proven to be a better year so far and with I news I got earlier has made it the best year ever for me. See many are upset about Obama becoming the president but I personally as of today I am glad he is in office. Ok let me explain why... As many people know I am disabled and was born with a rare genetic disorder called Morquio Syndrome which affects the skeletal and muscular systems of my body. On top of not growing I suffer from many medical problems. Well all my life doctors said there was no cure or hope of me ever getting better. They even went as far to say I would not live to see my 30th birthday. Well I am about to turn 32 in March and well Obama made a dream come true for me. He has went ahead and approved Stem Cell Research. Once this goes through my doctor said I am top of his list to get it done. Stem Cell will replace the chromosome I am missing in my genetic link, if successful then all problem caused by Morquio Syndrome will be reversed. No more wheelchair, no more pain, and most of all I will grow. My prayers have been answered and the long wait has been worth it. This goes to show there is a God and he is very merciful. Right now there is nothing but excitement and joy in my family. The process will be long and painful and I will need a lot of rehabilitation but in the long run it all will be worth it.

Wow I can’t believe another year has come and gone and like I do at the end of every year time for my annual a year in review entry. Well I must admit 2008 was not a bad year for me. I did make a lot of changes and I have grown as a person. The first of the year found me making the decision to move out of my old apartment and back home. In September 2007 I decided to move in with a friend to help her out only to find out she was taking advantage of the situation. I was hurting financially, emotional, and physically. I knew that I was going to get hell for doing so from her nosey self centered mother, cause I have seen the old bat in action with others, I was well prepared. Of course I was right and she had so much to say about me to others, I guess no one in real life was paying attention to her so she resorted in saying stuff about me online. Of course they were all lies and no one paid her much mind. And quite frankly I wasn’t going to justify her actions or even give her the satisfaction of commenting on the things she said. In February I went back to school and decided to get a degree in Web building and graphic designs. I also started making plans to go to Minnesota one of my best friends was getting married and I was the maid of honor. In March I turned 31 and started to make more changes. I finally got my butt into gear and went to David’s Bridal to start looking at dresses for the wedding. I don’t think much happened in April and May. As you can see the first few months of the year were uneventful, which I don’t mind I actually spent those months putting my life back together. I don’t remember exactly when but it was between that time I went to my first drag race show and loved it. In June I went and got my dress fitted for the wedding. I couldn’t believe the alterations for the dress cost almost as much as the dress. I bought my train ticket to Minnesota. I also got to spend time with Kelly. We had not hung out in months thanks to my old roommate for lying to both of us. She introduced me to her new man Clint. He really is a sweetheart. In July we celebrated Kel’s 28th birthday. Well August finally arrived and my nephew celebrated his 1st birthday. Wow time goes by so fast. We had a BBQ for him. My sister in law bought two cakes one for eating the other for him to go nuts with, and that he did. By they time he was done he looked like a Smurf. Three days later I was on my way to Minnesota. I got to go to my first bachelorette party (talk about a total blast). The wedding was beautiful and I had so much fun. While there I was hoping to run into Shad and make a mends but I didn’t see him. For those who don’t know the story here is the short version: Shad and I were best friends for 2 years and well a misunderstand cause a fight between us and we have not spoken in 2 years. September has arrived and after spending a month in Minnesota it was time for me to come home. Even though I had a blast there I was happy to be home and see my family especially my nephews. I had been in school for seven months now and was so proud of myself. I was so happy with the changes and was still making new ones. I could see a change for the better. Well October was finally upon us and I decided it was time for a new look and well bye bye long hair. My nieces came to visit and we got to take all the kids trick or treating. November came around and it was close to the two year mark since I last spoke to Shad. I thought it wouldn’t hurt to email him. I was wrong. He didn’t even acknowledge the letter and put me on block. I know I was wrong in a lot of ways and I poured my heart out in that letter. I can’t even describe the pain I feel not having the one male friend I could always trust and count on not in my life. It has been two years and I thought by now I would be able to let go but I have learned with each passing day it hurts more. Honestly I think this something I’ll never be able to accept and get over. My mom, aunt, and cousin came to visit for Christmas. The holiday was excellent. We redecorated the house. I must say I love the way it looks. Well it is New Year’s Eve, the final day of 2008. Even though it was a good year to me I am not sad to see it end. I am looking forward to 2009 and welcoming it with open arms. I am looking forward to new memories and new changes. Each year brings a new beginning and a fresh start and that is exactly what I intend to do. I wish all a wonder, safe, and Happy New Year.

Last beverage → coffee Last phone call → mom Last song you listened to → Christmas music Last time you cried → it's been awhile Last text message - Kel HAVE YOU EVER: Dated someone twice → yes Been cheated on → yes Kissed someone & regretted it → Yeah. Lost someone special → Yes. LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS → Purple, Black, Pink IN THE PAST MONTH HAVE YOU: Made a new friend → Yeah. Fallen in love → No. Laughed until you cried → Yeah. Met someone who changed your life → Nope. Found out who your true friends were → Yeah. Found out someone was talking about you → Yeah but it was no surprised cause the two bitches are know as gossiping shit talkers RANDOM: How many kids do you want to have→ two Do you have any pets → Yep, 3 dogs Do you want to change your name → No. What did you do for your last birth day → Dinner with my family What time did you wake up today → 8:45 but didn't actually crawl out of bed till 9:20 lol What were you doing at midnight last night → watching tv Name something you CANNOT wait for → For my mommy to get here Friday Last time you saw your father → almost 10 years ago What does your last text message say → Just Kel telling me why she is pissed off What' s one thing you wish you could change → not a thing, live life with no regrets everything happens for a reason Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → yes What' s getting on your nerves right now → nothing, I try not to sweat the small things Most visited web page → My space, Fubar, Pogo, Neopets What' s your full real name → Nicole Michele Ortiz Nicknames → Nikki, Nik, Baby, Shorty, Nemo, Suga, Sugi zodiac sign → Aries Hair color → Red Long or short → Medium. Are you health freak → Sorta Height → 3'1" What do you like about yourself → What's not to like lol Piercings → 1 Tattoos → None. Right y or lefty → Righty. FIRSTS: First piercing → Ears. First best friend → Lillian back in the high school days, Now it's Kel, Lisa, Bob First sport → I never played sports First pet → Muffin First vacation → Mystic Sea Port First concert → New Kids on the Block...lol First crush → Daniel Sheriff WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX? : Lips or eyes - Both Hugs or kisses → Both. Shorter or taller → Taller. Older or Younger → Older, I don't mind younger but no more the 3 years apart romantic or spontaneous → Both Sensitive or loud → Sensitive Hook- up or relationship → Depends. Trouble- maker or hesitant → a little of both HAVE YOU EVER : Kissed a stranger → yes Lost glasses/ contacts → Glasses. Ran away from home → nope Broken someone' s heart → yes Been arrested → No Turned someone down → Yeah. Cried when someone died → Yeah. DO YOU BELIEVE IN: Yourself → Yeah. Love at first sight → I used to Heaven → Yeah. Santa Claus → Yes I do. He lives in the heart of all the little children Kissing someone you' ve met for the first time → yes Angels → Yes. ANSWER TRUTHFULLY : Is there one person you want to be with right now → Yeah. Do you believe in God? → YES

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DJ Sweets & I had a heart to heart last and truly touched me heart with what she had to me and I like to share that with everyone... lil suga: ya know i have to admit why i love you, kariz, and ck2 so much...being disabled it is hard to find a place to fit in..i really don't have a lot of friends people tend to look at the physical appearance and nothing else but you all look beyond my disability and except me for who i am...you see the person on the inside Dj_Sweets: honey you know what i see? I see a WOMAN that LOVES and GIVES sooo much of herself to US and is soo loyal how can we ever judge you for a disability? i mean really... its a part of who you are and I personally love every single thing about you and SO does karizma...we are HONORED to have you as a friend to know that you are for real in this day in age when there's so many damn fake bitches out there....that is why YOU mean the WORLD to us...and we see the REAL you your disability is NOT a disability its an ABILITY because you see people for who they ARE not what they LOOK like.... This goes to show what a sweet person sweets is and I love her for it... Keep you head high mami..You are an amazing woman no matter what anyone says..