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It really was. . . Today we told that there is nothing left for the doctors to do to help Grandma, and they are turning her care over to a hospice group. All I can do is cry anymore.
For those of you who don't know, my grandma was more of a mom to me, then anything else. I always ran to her when I needed to talk, and now I have no idea how much longer I will be able to do that. The doctor doesn't want to give us a time frame, so it doesn't get stuck in our heads of when Grandma is going to pass, which I don't know if that is making it harder on me or not.
From here on out all I can say when someone asks me how I am, is “Ok,” or “alright.” No I'm not any of those two things, but I don't want to spend an hour talking about all of the things that is going on. The only other person that truly understands what I am feeling and what I am going through is my mom. But at the same time I can't help but to be so envy of my mom because she got to spend so much more time with Grandma then I got to.
I know they say that there are 5 stages of grief, but denial I think never came for me, I just went into being angry. Angry at God, if there really is a God, angry at the doctors, angry at my mom who got so much more time, and angry at myself for choosing to do other things then to go over to Grandma's. If I ever do get out of this stage, there is no way I can get out of the depression.
But for now, we are going to take life one day at a time, and I will be spending pretty much all of them at Grandma's house with her. I know I will sit there and try to talk about anything and everything that doesn't have to deal with what is going on, but I'm sure she will know that it is the first thing on my mind.
So the last thing on my mind here, is to urge everyone to go and get a full check up, with a full blood work up and go have your colonoscopy, even if you aren't in your 40s or 50s. Take care of yourself and take care of your family, call your mom and grandma and tell them that you love them, you won't get a second chance.
Be good to yourself, be great to your love ones, and remember what your knees are for.
