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Welcome to me. I am not a blogger by nature, nor am I one to broadcast my life in such a manner that may be viewed as looking for pity. However, life changes and maybe so should I. So without further ado, here goes..
I am a recently separated man of an almost 5 year marriage that was toxic. My wife and I have no children together, but both have 3 kids each from a previous marriage. My 3 children come from my first marriage of 14 years. My children are all adopted from foster care, and have had rough upbringings in the minute amount of time they were with their birth parents. My first marriage ended due to the decay of the relationship between my first wife and I and the eventual downward spiral of attention we paid each other and instead to these precious babies that so desperately needed our care. One thing led to another, mistakes were made on both sides of the same coin, and it ended. We would have been married 20 years this year.
I move forward and meet a woman online. On fubar actually. We hit it off, talk all the time online, on the phone. She comes to visit, we have a good time. She later moves down with her youngest, her only son. They meet my boys, they hit it off as well. Peachy. Life is seemingly good.
Fast forward a bit, My wife seems to need more and more attention as the months and eventually years pass by. Problems are had, the same arguments are hashed over and over and over and over... At first I assume it's me because I want this marriage to work. Biggest mistake maybe? Eventually I start to stick up for myself and try to point out flaws she has and issues I have with her behavior/attitude/demeanor. To no avail. I am always wrong, I am the only one that needs to work in this marriage for it to work.
Fast forward a bit more. My oldest son starts having serious issues. He was severely drug exposed as a baby, and probably safe to assume in the womb. He is found to be bipolar, Tourette's Syndrome, and numerous other behavioral setbacks. My wife cannot tolerate this, focus would shift from her to another person. More and more arguments, tempers that are already short flare, we do not even have sex for but a few times in the past year. Intimacy all but disappears, something I crave even more than intercourse.
A month ago, I decide to leave for good. Between my mother, my first wife, and I we hash out the plan. I am leaving without telling my current wife, I decided long ago she was crazy for lack of a better term. And you can't negotiate with crazy. I take my car, the ONLY car, and leave. My wife is an emotional chameleon, shifting from anger, to sorrow, to vengefulness, to almost every damn feeling in the book. Texting me, calling me, even driving by hoping to "just catch me" outside smoking. I tell her she comes by again, I'm calling the police. And would have, not some scare tactic.
In the past few weeks, chaos begins to rear its ugly head. She has managed to steal the car back from me, and I cannot get it back. She's crazy ya know and takes several steps to ensure I cannot get it from her. She claims she wants the marriage ended, draws up an agreement for me to sign, and it entails me giving up the only two assets we share, the car and our house. I live in Texas, and this state agrees on 50% of the marital assets are to be divided up during a divorce. This piece of paper I am asked to sign has the house and car going to her, and I get what little personal effects I took with me during the separation. I agree politely with looking it over, and give my leave to consider it. Don't want to negotiate with crazy! I consult with an attorney, he names a price, and I look to borrow from family just to be able to cover his retainer. My wife controls the finances, and would never allow me passwords.
So here we are today: I am spending copious amounts of time with my kids, good for both me and them. I treasure each moment with them and never regret what I've done. However, this is when the loneliness hits. After they go to bed, I feel so empty. I am not mourning the death of my relationship, I am mourning the death of my way of life. I had more than enough food, hobbies, a way to deal with the day to day stress and had my specific, carefully planned way to navigate through each of my days so as to be able to live the way that I felt I could deal best with my wife.
I am not looking for another wife, nor even a girlfriend. There are many items on a checklist that the next potential ANYTHING to me has to have. Not that I am the greatest guy in the world, but the next woman I get serious with has to be one hell of an amazing woman. I am 43 years old, not in the best health or shape, with three kids, and two ex-wives. Thae woman that is okay with the "short list" is already married and having a wonderful life.
I loathe the loneliness. I stare it in the face knowing I made the right decision. And it stares back at me, fearless. I long to sit on a couch and watch TV with this imaginary woman, cuddling and enjoying each other's company. Or talking about her day and abating her stress and allowing her to sort through the mindless pap she has to go through, supporting and listening to her. I hate not being able to touch, smell, laugh with the dream woman. I miss a woman's perfume, a smile meant only for me...holding hands just walking around. Pecks on the cheek, soft touches.
All this I miss, and it hurts me deeply that I may never see this again.
