Today I awaken to a rough start. I realize that everything I once had vanished before my eyes for once again letting my gaurd down and putting trust in people. I have alway been fast to offer help when people need it most. Mainly because I always had the chance to help others because I was doing good financially and mentally. Lately I have lost my pride and people have given up and walked away. The way things are have pushed me into a deep depression I have lashed out it anger and rage.
I have been through alot over the years but it makes me who I am. Now since people like to run mouths without knowing me or who I am or without having a clue what I went through I will make it very easy on all of you. Want to talk shit behind my back? Well good heres a fast rundown on me to help you out. I didnt have much of a childhood. I was always abused by my father when he was around. I was always pushed aside while my oldest sister got everything she wanted. At the age of 8 I found out why when the police showed up at our door with a warrent for my fathers arrest for molesting my sister. From that point on I became a very distant person. The depression kicked in the kids at school had seen the news families told the kids and of course I was still forced to go to school and face it and when I told my mother what was going on I simply would get my ass beat for not being a man about it. (I was only 8)
Years of peoples jokes stabs and even ass kicks followed. We bounce from house to house and city to city because my mother would ruin everyones trust by lying to them or stealing from them. At the age of 12 I finally had enough. We were living in a black neighborhood where I would get jumped just because I was the white kid. My mother would disappear for days at a time bouncing from man to man leaving me at home taking care of my sister who was 2 at the time. I was not allowed to go to school because she didnt have a baby sitter. One day I ran away from home. For the next three years I fended for myself and taught myself how to live. At the age of 13 I had my own place I had an under the table job and was living as an adult. I survived against the odds. When I was 15 I moved back down to the fort lauderdale area and got involved with gangs drugs and people who did nothing but hurt others. My mother came back into my life when I was 17. I moved back home for 3 months back to the ghetto. There I hung with the drug dealers and was always running from the cops. One day my wake up call came. I was sitting 25 feet away from my buddys place when him and another got into an arguement the guy threatened to come back and kill him thats when my buddy pulled out a gun and shot him 5 times. At that point I had seen enough. I went back to south florida and there I met my wife. We were forced into marraige because I had just turned 18 and she was 15 when her mom walked in on us. She threatened me either we got married or she was pressing charges. Needless to say we got married. A situation came up that caused me to defend my family and stand up for what I thought was right and I lost 3 years of my life for it. When I came back things were different. My wife had slept around all over the town we had lived in. I later found out she had 2 abortions while I was gone. I still gave it chance after chance and tried to make it work for our kids sake. Needless to say it didnt work. One day she came home and told me she was pregnant. I was all excited and smiling when she came out and told me it wasnt mine. The so called good friend of mine that worked with her got her pregnant. She had been cheating for 6 months every other day.
I went through alot and moved out the next day before I went after him with the gun. I became a very much more distant person that I was. I let my gaurd down for other women and all that did was make me bitter because every one of them that came along did nothing but lie, cheat, or steal from me if not all the above. The last relationship destroyed me I didnt make friends because the last 3 years of my life I worked for a company that I pulled 60+ hours a week. When my relationship finally fell I hit massive depression. It destroyed my work performance and devastated my pride. In december I lost my job and couldnt keep up with pain. My friend from north carolina offered to help. I slept on it for a couple days. Then I came up here. Its been hard because I am always the big brother type who protects those that are close to me and when I see too much trust, mistakes, or stupidity I will call someone on it. I have been there to help this friend and in return have had the same. But today I wake up to see I was being talked bad about to someone who is considered in my eyes a online stranger. If you only know them for a week they are NOT your friend in my eyes.
I wont air that dirty laundry but it was dead ass wrong. Im a protective person to the very select few that are here for me. I will defend them to the end but never bad mouth me for caring and voicing my opinion on something that could cause potential harm. I came here to have a fresh start not witness what I am seeing. Everyone is out to destroy our friendship with drama and lies. You fucks arent happy with your own life so you feel the need to start shit in ours. This is making things harder because people are getting short fused oveer something that could be easliy avoided by simply not talking to the people that start the shit the most. I want the good life and thats all Im trying to find. Once again I feel alone and in a place I am lost in. I have no friends here Im going through depression theres nobody besides my friend here to cheer me up when Im dont and lately that friend is more down than I am. I just want happiness. I have been going through alot lately and its hard for people to understand what I need. Im a very hard person to pinpoint as to what makes me happy. Throughout my life nobody has ever been there to hug and hold me and tell me its going to be ok. This amount of stress I have been under lately is coming out wrong. People are not being understanding and many are being fast to walk out the door and showing they are not friends to begin with. People have started nasty rumors about my friend and I and that is causing tension between us. I understand fustrations come out but now its effecting our friendship. Fuck all you low life liars that want to ruin everyone elses happiness. Take your drama elsewhere this is the only true friend I have left and I will vow to protect her. I have enough going on without your bullshit lies. Im so lost up here Theres no work no money and I am on the verge of a total meltdown. Why cant people stand up and realize we are all human and we make mistakes. Im too the point that Im about to say fuck it and end everything. Many of times I have put a gun to my head and the only thing that kept me going was the love for my kids. I dont even have that anymore yet I keep truckin on waiting to see whats next.
Im so tired of being hurt by the ones I love most. I am so ready to just give up on life and throw in the towell. Everyday I wake up I wonder if this will be the day I end it all and snap.
Im about to be 32 in a couple weeks and what do I have to show for it? Hell I dont even have true friends anymore or family that gives a shit. But here I am. So the words for the day are go ahead run your fu-based drama people but now you know who I am, where Im coming from and alot of details of my life nobody knows. Its the internet and you cant ruin a reputation amongst the people I give a fuck about so think this over real well... Havent you been through shit yourself??? Then what makes you a better person than me? Everyone should have a much better view on me after this..... Live or die with or without all of you I am still a man and thats just the way things are.....
