Nurse Melissa's blog: "The view from the inside"

Thoughts of death Something you don't understand something I know all too well the feeling of loneliness that takes over the pain overwhelming, and never ending Feeling as though you don't fit in and that Trying to do so is a waste no one understands you so why bother to explain Wanting it all to be over all the pretending all the lies Tired of living life the way others want you too Tired of living period Two choices Continual suffering or Much needed relief Why prolong the suffering when for the first time you can be happy and free from pain right or wrong its what some choose Its not taking the easy way out there's nothing easy about it So many ways out Which one to choose Not wanting to hurt others But tired of hurting yourself

A bottle of pills Waiting to save me A handful of white tablets bring much needed relief Only a few minutes of pain left pretty soon there will be no more pain no more suffering no more me A glass of water half full or half empty doesn't really matter all that matters is it will help help wash down the bitter taste the taste of death that lingers after the pills are swallowed the third times a charm Minutes turn to seconds only a couple remain thoughts race through my mind what will it be like I find comfort in knowing that it cant be worse then living I close my eyes my breathing slows my body relaxes A spirit finally let go finally happy free to be what it wants to be no longer being forced to change no longer being judged like a hot air balloon it floats weighed down by hurt no more a dream come true

-I am in wooster for a week. I got in Sunday night after I got off work at childrens so ive been here only a few days and im already bored out of my mind. I miss my kent friends who were up until the wee hours of the morning with me.. here people actually go to bed.. its not cool...I did have fun last night I got to hang out with some old friends! - Today I am escaping Wooster after my doctors appointment and heading to Canton to see my soulmate. I miss her very much :( And after all the shit thats been going on I defintely need some snookum (and limewire) time. - Im slowly begining to realize that it really is his loss. I mean after all who wouldnt want me.. Im prettier then she is, more successful then she could ever hope to be, Smarter then she is, and not to mention the fact that Im going to be rich some day :) And he also wont find someone who loves him NEARLY as much as I do/did. Oh well..not my fault! - I dont know what I would do without My soulmate or the SPP. They have been there for me EVERY time I have needed them. They support me and let me vent about the same thing over and over. I know that no matter what happens they are gonna be there. I cant always say that about everyone else in my life. - My daddy is slowly getting better. He got "cat scratch fever" kittens can carry a bacteria under their claws or in their mouth and can infect people with it. it doesnt harm them but it can make people pretty sick and since his immune system isnt the greatest he got it. Ive been scratched but its never made me sick... thats the lil kids at works job :) - Im very excited to work thanksgiving.. i will be making over 20 bucks an hour.. that means a trip to the mall is in my future ;) I also work friday AM and Saturday AM. I love money.. its my friend ;) - I graduate in 173 days (including winter and spring breaks and weekends) but Im not counting down or anything like that ;) I cant wait to be outta school get a real job and start a brand new chapter of my life.. the "adult" chapter... New Degree, New Job, New Location (i hope) New Me! - I went to my very first Kent State football game with CanDance on friday. It was actually pretty fun. the weather wasnt horrible.. and we WON!!!!! Yay! I figured i might as well attend a football game before I graduate so the last home game of the season was as good a time as ever LOL. Im gonna miss CanDance when she moves back to texas :(

How do I break it to my heart that it’s gotta get over you How do I learn to live apart from the one I gave my life to. Well right here, right now, better turn me inside out so I can just move on. So bring on the pain, let it kill your memory. Bring on the rain, let it drown whats left of you and me I know the only way Im ever gonna make it, is burry the best of us and its killing me. Cuz I don’t love you any less.. But I cant love you anymore How will I learn to trust again, if I cant forget you How will I let a new love in, if I’m still holding on to all these angry tears and those wasted years, the only way I’ll ever let them go Is to bring on the pain let it kill your memory. Bring on the rain let it drown whats left of you and me I know the only way Im ever gonna make it, is burrying the best of us even though its killing me. Cuz I don’t love you any less But I cant love you anymore.

Is it still me that makes you sweat Am I who you think about in bed When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as youre slidding off her dress Think about what you did and I hope to god she was worth it When the lights are dim and you heart is racing as your fingers touch her skin I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck than ANY girl you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me Boy I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of exchanging body heat in the passenger seat? No, no, no, you know it will ALWAYS just be ME

it does... I dont get it. There is apparently something very wrong with me that I just dont see but he does. I graduate in 6 months. I will have an amazing career. Im a pretty nice person. I dont bring drama. I have no kids. Im honest to a fault...and ive been told im kinda cute.. but still he hurts me. I dont get it. I loved him so much. this isnt the first time hes hurt me. but I still came back because I loved him... and I guess I thought that he loved me too.. or at least gave a damn about me. I needed him this weekend...one of the few times EVER.. and he was nowhere to be found. I got a phone call after he avoided me for several days.. I just assumed he was busy with work.. never in a MILLION years did i see this coming. I cant even begin to comprehend it.. it doesnt make sense... I didnt even hear it from him.. I give up.. I just wanted him to love me. I didnt think I was asking that much. I would have done anything for him.. but apparently it wasnt good enough... I would really like to know what it is about me that makes me so unloveable.

Im so tired, physically, emotionally, mentally.. exhausted. I dont know how much more I can take. I can smile and laugh with the best of them but really Im miserable. I dont know if Im going to make it for 6 months and 1 day until graduation. Ive got so much going on in my life right now that I cant focus on anything let alone school work. I dont even know if I want to be a nurse anymore. I mean I do.. I think.. I dont know.. I dont know much about anything.. I know I want to be happy. I love my job at childrens. I really could see myself working there for a very long time. I just think Im scared. Im afraid I wont pass my boards, Hell I am afraid I really wont make it to graduation... Wonder if I fail a class between now and then because of my lack of focus. I cant afford to stay in school another semester.. my financial aid runs out in may. I'll be screwed. Im so afraid that my goal is so close but yet I still have plenty of time to fuck it up like Ive fucked up just about everything else in my life. I just dont know. It seems like as soon as Im happy something happens to take that away from me. Its like I wasnt ment to be happy in the first place.. it was just a fluke or something. I try really hard to be happy. I feel like one of those people who is so miserable that they can't be around normal people, like I'll infect the happy people. Which is probably very surprising to those of you who know me since I tend to be smiling at all times.... I guess I smile becuase i get tired of trying to answer the question "whats wrong" since i cant pin point the answer and everything is never an acceptable response. I must be doing something wrong and I just havent been able to figure out exactly what the something is yet.. I cant think of any other explaination as to why I suck at life. I dont have any idea what the point of this blog is other then to try to capture some of the millions of thoughts running thru my head. Im not trying to whine. I know people have it way worse then me. thats not the point. the point is Im tired of being lost. Im tired of life hating me. There's a good side to getting hurt a lot...after a while it just doesn't bother you as much..you kind of get used to it.. but still..Its getting old.. I want something new...I just want to be happy. Im not asking to win the lottery or to be granted 3 wishes by a genie in a bottle. Im asking to for one time in my life (ok first time in a very long time) be able to smile and really honestly 100% mean it... The way things used to be.. But I guess there really is no going back, no do overs and no second chances.. You just have to move on with the cards youre delt and try to find a way to be happy. This is what happens when you have one of the longest days of your life on 3 hours sleep and yet because of insomnia you are unable to sleep so instead your brain takes over.. and thats never good.

LOL so yeah Im addicted to this site.. Thanks a bunch Kevin! Its still a little confusing but Im slowly starting to figure things out! My birthday is coming up... Monday! I'll be the big 2-4 which is a year closer to being halfway to the big 5-0 *panics* lol The light at the end of the nursing school tunnel is getting brighter and brighter with each passing day.. Im down to like 7 months and 5 days.. But Im not counting or anything :) I was in the ER at Robinson for clinical last week.. Its definitely not as fun as the ER at childrens where I work but I got to start IVs and stuff so that always makes for a good day. After clinical i went straight to akron childrens for my practicum where i basically play nurse. I follow one nurse around and then i have my own patients im responsible for. I got to start an IV on a one year old. I was so excited when I got it that I seriously wanted to jump up and down.. It was a very exciting day.. between the two places I started like 6 IVs.. Alright back to my paper so I can go out tonite! later loves!