1. ARE YOU SHY?
I really should, at least, TRY to be. When I walk by, I’ve noticed people want to knock me down and grind my head into paste.
2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
Loving is a barbaric sport.
3. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
Fear itself.
4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
Nope, I was just a Lego. I was a white, square Lego, and when I walked by the other kids would knock me down and try to grind my head into paste.
5. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF REALITY TV?
As if reality weren’t bad enough…
6. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
I chew on everyone’s straws.
7. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
What’s wrong with you?! You’ve seen babies! You know what babies look like. … I didn’t look like that, but still.
8. WHAT SCENT DO YOU WEAR?
Ass.
9. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Also ass.
10. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
Why the hell would I take a shower if I want to smell like ass?
11. HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
That’s the best euphemism for anal sex I’ve ever heard.
12. ANY SECRET TALENTS?
Dunno. That’s how secret they are.
13. WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
Somalia.
14. BAD HABITS?
On multiple occasions I have taken the heads of my neighbor’s children and seared them into my grill. You really have to work the spatula so the branding is barbecued on their melted faces. The crying and kicking and cheeks eroding in bursts of exploding fat bubbles, the little bitches shrieking that their noses are dripping off… When the job is over, when you have a kid’s face too mangled to show his grandparents, you’ll know it was all worth it.
15. CAN YOU SWIM?
Shut up.
16. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO?
I hate you so much it’s beginning to affect my handwritinhwpjrmdxuptbgvwo^zfe.
17. DO YOU GIVE A DANG ABOUT THE OZONE?
Didn’t Superman throw General Zod into the O Zone?
18. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A T00TSIE POP?
Dude, it’s lollipops. I have the solution to eradicate world hunger right here. I know the cure for cancer. I can make Africa 23x more advanced than 89th-century Japan in less than a month. I transformed emotion into hair gel. I beat up crime in a wrestling match. Just ask me how. No more candy questions.
21. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?
Excuse me. Just what the fuck happened to questions 19 and 20?
22. DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?
Pencils sharpen now? It’s like a Huxley novel!
23. WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
God wants you to kill everything He made. It only took Him 6 days, He don’t give a shit.
24. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
Marriage is a pointless creation, used mainly to cage those wed to each other through guilt by a fear of failure. Unadvised.
25. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
LGQRZSPJFM! JvWTICojh@%LMo Frsb njp9-mDT
26. WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Being knocked down and having my head ground into paste.
27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"?
We broke up, loser. Get over it.
28. IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE?
He never answers my prayers anymore.
29. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS??
If I yawn hard enough.
30. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
I like them fucking rotten.
31. ARE BLONDES DUMB?
If what I hear is true.
32. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
In the store with all the other socks I can’t afford…
33. WHAT TIME IS IT?
Summertime.
34. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
Dickfart.
35. IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?
Yes, but so are you.
36. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
Ages.
37. DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS
See questions 8-10.
38. IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
Christmas is his birthday.
40. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
Question 39 is afraid of the dark.
41. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
I saw a cat piss right in a sleeping guy’s mouth. Could watch that shit for the rest of my life.
42. CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUTBUTTER?
It’s all just dookie, sweetheart.
43. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
Yes
44. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
no
45. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?
My breath is ass, too.
46. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
I’m a dude, fag.
47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER
No, so stop breathing so hard outside my window.
48. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
North Country Blue.
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
no
51. WHO'S BETTER?
Tough call. You’re all pretty good, but George W. Bush will just cheat to win again. And no one cares enough to tell him to stop.
52. ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
You don’t even know my name? God!
53. HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?
I just did. It’s only four words.
54. DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
heh
55. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
yes
56. CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
no
56.1/2. HOW ABOUT SKI?
no
57. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
no
58. DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
Snort what?
60. ARE DOGS MANS BEST FRIEND?
It will be a cold day in hell before a dog is my best friend.
61. YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
How we solve things in this here town, and I’ll be damned if you think otherwise.
62. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
I don’t even dream of being able to do the Moonwalk.
63. DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES?
Nevr.
64. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
Jesus. Go see yourself.
65. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
I forget…
66. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
Oh yeah! Last thing I ate was nail polish! That shit fucks you up!
68. WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
That one where they desperately try to raise interest in a useless product that’s actually quite harmful and also addictive.
69. DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
If I got a hankering. The nationality of the eagle has no impact on its flavor.
70. FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?
The KKK Glee Club [I’m kidding, I hate white people. Bourgeois assholes.]
