TO THE READERS OF THIS BLOG KNOW THAT THIS IS A LOOK DEEP INSIDE OF ME AND THE REALEST PART OF ME U WILL EVER SEE...I NEVER OPEN UP THIS MUCH...IF U READ THIS PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS AND QUESTIONS....THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS......
THE REAL ME BY JOHN MILLS
I guess that maybe its time to do this. Alot of people want me to open up to them, but thats not always easy to do. I guess im gonna try to tell u in this blog what i really feel deep down inside of me and what im really about. I guess this is the only way or the way i feel most comfortable telling you all about me. Bear with me bc this might be very long but it will be well worth the reading. If u have any other questions when i am done please let me know and i will be happy to tell you.
First of all you have to understand i was born in the south. I come from the country in north carolina and am deeply rooted in the south. I wasnt born racist but grew up with southern values. I went to church on sundays, and always ate sunday dinners at grandmas. I know what its like to ride tractors and have bondfires. I know what its like to go camping, and just be outside. I know what its like to go through a hurricane and tornadoes. I grew up in the south so i was raised on country music and that has never really left me.
The second thing you have to know is that i was adopted and abused. No i dont remember much of this but i do not know my real parents and never will. This is something that never really goes away. Sometimes i can talk about it and other times i cant. I have worked all my life to get past this and some days are harder than others. I do not think i will ever truly get over this bc it had such a big impact in my life. I only pray that it made me a better person. I think thats why i care way to much about people. I am truly a victim and a surviver of child abuse and it has made me a better person.
I have a hard time trusting anyone or anything. I have been hurt way to many times in my life. I guess in a way that the people i counted on the most where the people that hurt me the most. I guess that caused me to not trust anyone and not to believe the things people told me. I got hurt so many times that i guess it made me turn coldhearted and i started to hurt others and didnt realize it. I am working so hard to change that but it does take time to change that part about me when i have been hurt so much.
I love my country more than anything. I watched with all of you in horror on September 11, and as i watched the war start. I worried with all of you and the concern grew greater as my uncle was sent over there and came way to close to many times. I then joined myself and went to cuba for a year and i truly know what its like to be face to face with a terriost and know how much i was hated bc i wore a uniform. When i was in cuba i was hurt by two differnt women and it was to much to bear. I turned to drinking and didnt slow down. When i came back from cuba and went home i was drinking all the time. This hurt many people as i made some stupid decisions in the process. I realize now how many people i hurt and for that i am truly sorry. My mistakes haunt me very often, but one day i will forgive myself.
One of my favorite bands is the goo goo dolls. In the song name it says "scars are souviners you never loose the past is never far". I believe this statement is very true. I believe that u can never outrun the past. I believe that the people from your past will show up and sometimes u have to face the past. I think that sometimes its good to have the scars from the past because it reminds of us where we have been and where we going. I have many scars of my own believe it or not. Many of you like my tattoos and sometimes wonder what they mean. The answers to your questions lie deep within me but i will try to explain. The tattoo on my right forearm is the jesus or follower of christ symbol written in blood. This has several meanings to me. This was my first tattoo, and i got it when i was on leave from cuba. I got it with one my x gfs and i guess it that makes it more meaningful to me. The reason i got it is bc for one i am deeply religious and second to never forget the pain that i have gone through in my life. The second tattoo i have is a cross piercing through the skin on my left forearm. This is also bc i am deeply religious and second it is never forget where i come from and where my morals come from. Hopefully that tells a little more about what they mean to me.
I know what it feels like to fight for something and to finally get it and loose it again. I know what if feels like when u feel like u put so much into something and to have someone or something take it away from u. Back in febuary me and a friend from canada started a radio station on here called wet and wild. We planned it for months and put alot of time and effort into setting it up. We worked so hard that niether of us even slept most of the time. Then it finally happened and we were so happy. We finally had something that was ours that we had created and worked hard for. Then we watch as it all feel apart bc of a personal situation in my life. This lounge and radio station was my dream and that joy and happiness was taken away so quick. I do not think either one of us truly got over it and we fight another day harder to get it back. Dreams might break but they never really go away. We will be back and we will be better than ever.
Im not the best at showing my emotions around friends or even a girlfriend. I care way to much and go out of my way to do everything i can do to make sure my friends are happy. I am well aware that a girlfriend can sometimes get upset bc she may feel as though i am more worried about everyone else rather than her. I dont do this intentionally, so please dont hold it against me. I guess that instead of being angry all my life about everything that has happened in my life i have decided to care way to much about people.
Im gonna say this right now. I dont act tough and act like i dont hurt. I dont even really hide my emotions. If u wanna know what i really honestly want then its pretty simple. I want my friends to know that i love and care about them. I want them to know that im there for them always, no matter what.
I dont know why i would ever do this or admit this to anyone but if u wanna know whats deep deep inside me then the following lyrics will explain it very well. The lyrics come from a song called heres to another by smile empty soul. When i heard this song the other day i put it in my stash on here and i was blown away by some of the lyrics.
Live through some hard time
I done the best I could with what I had
Life is never a short fight
I'm just so young and how did I get so sad
Pull up a stool
Nothing to do
except shot after shot
Drink till I puke and I’m
Standing on the edge of what is real
I feel like I've
Drank away the better part of years
My fears have me
Pinned against the wall but without them I would fall
So before I'm gone lets have a cheers
Before I'm gone lets have a cheers
Before I'm gone lets have a cheers
So i say to those who know what i am talking about heres a toast to you and all of those who know what we feel.
I know that in my last blog i named some people well im really gonna open up and gonna say some things. If your name is not mentioned in this blog dont take it personally. It does not mean that you have not impacted my life or anything like that. I just have certain people in my life especially since January that has impacted me so much and now is my time to say thanks. Also please understand that i will not name the people in a specific order or anything like that so dont take it personally bc your not first.
The first person im gonna name is Dallas bc im gonna say if u wanna know someone who went above and beyond for me then she is the person. Not only has she given me a place to stay, food, and other things, she also has given my ticket back to North Carolina. Not once did she complain at me about anything i did or making to much noise when she was asleep. I would consider her family and she holds my highest respect. I only hope that one day i will be able to show her and repay her for all she has done.
The second person i am gonna name is Rainey. I know we have had times girl but somehow it all worked out in the end. I will never forget Mountian Home, Arkansas and that damm motel, and all those long walks. I gotta say looking back on it, it so almost kinda fun. The time we have spent together has forever changed me, and i will never be able to have to words to say to tell u just how much u have impacted my life. Always remember that life aint easy, we sure have learned that together havent we? Always remember that you deserve the best in life and dont settle for second best. Your the best girl and i only hope the best for you.
To Brittni I have to say thanks more than you will ever know. You keep me from staying on the street one of those crazy nights. You were always there to call and ill never forget southern comfort and coke..ha ha ha ha ha lmao...I was a little drunk that night. You mean so much to me and i will never be able to thank you enough. I wish you only the best in your life and in love. It is all gonna work out one day for you and the future holds great things for you.
To April i have to say thanks also. You keep me from being on the street more than once. I will never forget all those text conversations we had and i cant wait to have some of them again. Isnt life so crazy sometimes. Just when you think you have it all figured out it changes on ya. I will forever be thankful for you and how much you have given to me.
This one may take a while bc i gotta say for the longest time this person has given me reason to keep believing and to never give up on anyone or anything. Angela im telling ya girl one of these days its gonna get better and its all gonna work out. You are truly a fighter and you have amazed me time and time again. A part of me is with you now and will always be with u forever no matter what happens. I am not even sure i could find the words to say how much you have effected my life and how much you truly mean to me. I am here for you always no matter what and keep fighting girl its all gonna work out in the end.
The next person I have to thank is Cassie. Cassie isnt the just my co owner of my lounge and radio station, she is my friend and has always been there for me. You watched in the middle of night as i cried on cam and told me to fight harder. You never stopped fighting for the dream. You havent let me give up. Its gonna happen one day girl i promise u that. We worked way to hard for this. I swear if it kills me and i destroy my computer WE WILL MAKE THIS WORK. You are a wonderful person and i will forever be in debt to you for everything u have done and for believing in me no matter how many stupid ideas i had. Thanks for everything girl your the best.
I gotta be honest and say the thought has crossed to sit here and tell you about all the people who hurt me and who have continued to hurt me over the past couple of months. Im not gonna do that, im just gonna say one thing to one person. I dont know if she will ever even read it. Maybe by some chance of fate she will. To my x girlfriend Stephanie girl i gotta say im broken hearted to hear what u have told me lately. Im telling you girl i have seen the real you. I can see you straight through. Im telling you girl your BETTER than what your being. You arent really like what your trying to be right now. Your so much better than that.
I think thats all i have to say for now, and i think that im better now..............
