The pain of waxing!!!!! Poor women! *giggle*
This is from a friend of mine that had me ROTFLMAO!
It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the
clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore
the franticly rising cresendo of string instruments in the backround.
No muss, no fuss. How hard could this be? I'm not the girliest of girls but im
mecanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. (you'd think)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together.
Stuck together. I'm supposted to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing).
I go one better.... I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees.
Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)
I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the
best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal eludes me! I am
Sheera, body hair and smooth skin extraordiare!
With my next wax strip, I move north for "The Ultamate Hair Fighting Championship!"
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then
apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my
vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)
I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
RRRRIIIIIPPPPPPP!!!!!!!
I'm blind! Blind from the pain! Vision returning.
Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath......
and.....RIIIP!
Why is everything so swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums? OK, comeing back to
normal again. I want to see my trophy- my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony.
I want to revel in the glorythat is my triumph over hair I hold the wax strip like an
Olympic gold medalist!!!
.......Why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax go,
if not on the strip?
Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see hair-the hair
that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax.
I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooooo!!" And realize I have just begun
living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby"
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered
in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake-up untill this point, you'll
remember, I've had my foot on the toilet.
I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I
here the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut.
Ass? sealed shut.
A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to crap anytime soon. Your head
just might pop off."
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying despratly to figure out what I should do next.
Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in -
the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away. Right? Wrong.
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is use to torture prisoners of war
or sterilizing sergical equipment. And I sit. Now, the only thing worse than haveing your
goodies glued together is haveing them glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, does NOT melt the cold wax.
So now I'm stuck to the tub.
I call my friend because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some
knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So
my ass and pussy are stuck to the tub."
She doesnt have a trick.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass - "Are we talking cheek or hole,
here?" she askes. She isint even TRYING to hide the giggles now.
I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the
side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know
that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire
crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold, then record the conversation for everyone we
know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth."
While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a
razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking
them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaveing the sticky waz off! In the middle of
the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other subjects!) I find the little,
beautiful saveing grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub
some in and start screeming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations and
we hang up.
I succesfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there.
So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the
of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a moustache might start to come in....
P.S. I hope this rubber ring lasts long enough for the healing process, had to sit on it
to send to send this emailing to enducate the rest of my friends. Take care!
