I knew it for some time this was coming but closure is always painful.
The Love I have in my heart for someone has been completely ripped from my soul....I spend hours and days in tears wondering "why" would this be? I have done nothing but been honest, open, loving and understanding...When he hurt..I felt his pain..the connection is so strong. Aching I opened the mail this morning for "That" letter..painfully I read feeling my eyes swell with tears. "I Love you and miss you and long for your touch" is the phrase that made all the tears flow down my face.
Never did I think that kind of pain was possible more than once in my life. Reeling from the ex husband and ex fionce who shattered me emotionally in the past I vowed never to have anyone hold my heart in that manner again. Much to my consternation I find myself back in the pits of agony. I learned in my life one thing....The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.
At this point I ask myself, do I ever let myself get close again or do I unto others as they have done to me? Paper towels...tear one down when you need them, use them til done, then dispose or "Throw away".
We all know I am not capable of being that cold....I just had to write this out...
A friend shared these writings with me...took such a hold of me and described exactly what I am feeling...
My Flaw,
Miserable the fact my tounge swells when you speak ,
I feel like as a 5th grader lost with no hall pass,
I feel as every thing I could ever say would just spoil this moment,
you can see the my many flaws Feeling less than a man,
coming up short , it strikes me that I am the predator and you are the prey,
that I can lash out at any second,
to go for your throat just to press my lips against your neck,
close enough so you can hear my many nothings of what I need from you,
in stead of falling to the ground as if I had no legs,
at times you choke me out I can feel your hands around my throat,
with your might that I mite be the Flaw that you need in your life,
CPR,2007 James Landry,
LOVE STRUCK DRUNK KILLER,
Let me Wake then to Murder me in my sleep,
A Cause from your drunkenness that you are blind,
Better to let my Heart pour out on the ground,
Then to push my faith over like a Spoil Princess,
It's a Matter of placement that you discourage me,
That I should never love again in your eyes,
Better to Watch me sleep then to Huber over me drunk,
Drunk from your Horror lost that I might wonder from you,
No Big words just Sadness that I sit upon this thrown,
A Thrown that you have created in your Kingdom of sadness,
Now that I am your Jester that you Huber over me,
My dark sleep that your Drunkenness will come to a end,
Better to Murder me with my Eyes open,
So I can see my Love struck drunk Killer,
CPR 2007 James Landry,
