JT's blog: "Welcome to my mind"

These are the ramblings of a confused dude.  As with all my writing, this is just me getting some stuff off my chest.

So, there's this chick, total opposite of myself really, I am clean cut, no piercings, no tattoos, I work an 8-5 office job, shes got more tats and piercings than I could count, art major working odd hours and generally doing what she wants.  This girl is my high school ex.

Eight years ago, I got scared, scared of more love than I could handle, there I was, 20 and there was this girl that loved me so completely that it actually got on my nerves and I ran.  In all truth, it was a convenient time to leave, cos you know, all relationships should be ended "conveniently", but I was leaving the state to go to school, and instead of attempting a long distance, I dumped her and ended up dating a girl that was going to move up to Tulsa with me.  Being a young and dumb 23 year old that just graduated and landed a good job, I made the decision to marry the girl I moved to Tulsa with.  At 23 I felt I had hit every benchmark I was supposed to as a young adult male, marriage seemed like the next legitimate step.  Deep down I think I knew the marriage wouldn't last, there was no freaking out about the "rest of my life" I think I really never believed it would work....Now if you are like most people you would ask...but WHY? I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!  I won't even get into how awful my ex wife is, that is a whole other blog, but for purposes of this portion of my life, she was the total opposite of my aforementioned ex.  I truly feel now that she settled for me, never loved me and I question what my feelings for her were now.

So through the years I maintained loose communication with this girl, the ex I dumped and left a state behind.  To this day she remains friends with my mother, and thought I did not know it till more recently, would meet up for coffee with her almost weekly.  She ended up being my support structure,  When things got bad with the wife, I would talk to her about it, and though I never admitted it to her, I missed the old times, her pulling me out of my comfort zone and making me drive to Houston for a burger, or going to a 15 hour long concert, and most of all the endless supply of love that I never really got from my wife.  

So be it the long long hours I was working, maybe secret crush I developed on my ex, or just in general the fact that I think neither one of us belonged with the other, my ex wife started cheating on me...or was finally caught cheating on me..take your pick.  Two months after purchasing our first home, I found out and filed for divorce.  I lost everything, I had no physical proof of her cheating so the court awarded her everything...in their eyes I was making all the money while she worked part time (despite the fact I begged her to get a better job so I could find a job that was not working me 80 + hours a week) and so the price I had to pay for "abandoning her" was my home, my furniture, and most all my possessions.  I got to keep my car...had I not just got it and was still making payments on it, would have likely lost that as well.  Either way at 26 I lost everything, a mere three years prior I had everything, and managed to be reduced to just me, my car, and a few boxes of belongings.  

Needless to say, I was crushed, and like people tend to do, I turned to my support network to help get through the hard times.  My ex got the brunt of it, and was supportive, but distantly, she had a new boyfriend at the time, and as boyfriends go, this one was not massively jealous, but nobody likes hearing about their significant others talking to their ex's.  Well in a weak moment, I spilled the beans about how I felt, how it hasn't set well with me how we ended things, how I missed her in every way possible....everything.   Well, it was around this time, that she poured her heart out to me, how I hurt her so badly, how she waited for me for years, how boyfriends now are just because she felt so alone, and she was finally getting past all of that, had a guy that treated her right, that she truly loved, and was SOO angry with me for telling her that.  We did not speak much for a long time. 

So its two years later now, here I am at 28, and shes got another boyfriend, that was going well...till he dumps her on new years...like right around midnight, total winner...but I digress....  I end up being her support.  It is difficult for me, because deep down I always remember the good times, but at this point I truly do want her to be happy. Well, her brothers birthday was a few days ago, and I graduated high school the same year as him, we hung out a few times, partied together a lot, he ended up dating my best friend and having a few kids with her.  Well him and my friend were coming out to celebrate and his sister was there, first time we REALLY hung out since forever ago... all the emotions came rushing back, within a few seconds of seeing her, I experienced, love, hate, happieness and misery.  

Well...after what was a fun filled yet ackward few hours and a few drinks, I decided it was time to bail, I could not handle the feelings I had rattling around.  So I say my goodbyes and my ex goes in for a hug...Everything stopped, the feeling, the smell, the physical touch, I was back in high school and we were just doing what we did after class....Time stops for me...litterally was only 3-4 seconds, but felt like days had passed before I broke off and went to my car.  I had not made it half way home when I get a text from her, we eneded up texting most of the night, sharing how weird it was, our feelings about it, everything.

Well ironicly enough, as strong as the emotions were, neither one of us felt like right now is a great time for any kind of relationship.  She still carries some resentment from how things ended in the first place, and I know that she has a long way to go to be over her last relationship, yet I can not get her out of my head.  I have dated plenty of women, some I can barely remember their name, but heres this girl from forever ago, that never really left my mind.  Every time I have told myself to move on and let it go, I find hope that maybe one day we can try things again.  Even now as I sit here writing all this, I can not decide what I want, her, or to move on with my life, but I can not escape the idea that if the feelings are this strong this long after, maybe it is the real deal. 

As a dude, I tell my self to grow a pair and get over, I am just being a big pansy and the fact that she even crosses my mind this long after is pretty pathetic.  But the romantic in me ( a repressed side that truly almost exclusivly exists in my head and never comes out) thinks this is worth waiting out, as all great things are.

Well thank you fubar for listening to a confused dude rant for pages and pages of boring history, lol.  I doubt anybody will read all the way, and truthfully its all a little embarasing anyway, so if nobody reads this, that would be great..but just getting the stuff in writing helps me sort stuff out better.  Now on to other things....