Occasionally, I like to go to the movies. Friends or family will see a trailer for something and I decide to go see a movie as well. Movies are great, but the people who attend movies frequently are not. On this particular occasion, I decided to strike back in the name of "Justice" for all people who have ever been annoyed, slighted and/or screwed out of the cost of a ticket because of one of "those people".
My sister-in-law sat down next to me at the theater and the movie was about to begin. "What's that smell?" she asked, "It smells like pee."
Unflinching, her husband (my brother) responded: "It's clam chowder."
Sure enough, sitting one row back and three seats to our left was a woman holding a large to-go order of clam chowder which she'd snuck into the theater. Surprisingly, clam chowder smells very similar to urine when you don't know where the source is. It's like the asparagus of soups.
The woman herself looked like a water buffalo in a sweatshirt. She had broad shoulders and a stern, oppressive brow. Her twinkling eyes were fixed straight ahead in the dim theater light, but her powerful bovine jaw moved rapidly to break down the large spoonfuls of chowder which she rhythmically pounded into her mouth. This massive animal did not simply eat clam chowder, she grazed on it.
As if this were not bad enough? Twenty minutes into the film, I heard her. She was talking...to the screen! This disgusting ham-beast was narrating her thoughts and feelings, as well as answering rhetorical questions asked by the characters. "What will we do? There's no time!" asked the main character. "I dun' know! You be so screwed!" she belched in anguish, as if the actors in the movie could actually hear her clam-scented reply.... Dear god, had this foul beast no sense of restraint or dignity within her massive frame?
Fifteen minutes from the end of the movie, the huge climax and finale, and the water buffalo was STILL talking. I'd endured her for nearly two hours, and what was a mild irritation had transformed into a boiling, volcanic rage. I don't know how my popcorn tasted, and I can't remember who was sitting near me. As far as what was happening on the screen, it's a complete blank. My surroundings had become completely blind to me.
All I remember is pure, unfiltered hatred.... I was Ghenghis Khan. I was genocide. Stars collapsed under the weight of my fury, and when I opened my eyes all I saw was the heads of ten thousand water buffalo on bloody pikes peppering the horizon from Los Angeles to New York City.... I had become Death, the destroyer of worlds.
So, without further concern for myself or the poor witnesses who shall recall this night for the rest of their days? I turned around and unleashed my seething rage.... "SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!! YOU HAVE TALKED THROUGH THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE! JUST SHUT YOUR FUCKING PIE-HOLE!!!"
...To which this disgusting and odious beast replied, "NUH-UH! YOU SHUT UP!"
My memory beyond this point is a bit hazy. I remember throwing my half-consumed 64-ounce cup of Mountain Dew at her. I remember screaming the most vile, obscene and graphically violent obscenities at her that I could muster! I remember a couple sitting behind me telling me that I was now more disruptive than the water buffalo had ever been and replying to them, "YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING WHORE MOUTH!". The rest is a bit of a blur, to be honest.....
I remember walking down the aisle after the movie had ended and hearing another moviegoer say "Where's the guy that went psycho?" I also remember the water buffalo quietly shuffling out of the theater afterwards. I think clam chowder and anonymity in the darkness were the sources of her strength. Without them, she was a meek, fearful creature simply trying to escape.
Did I "go psycho?" I think that's a rather uncreative way of putting it, to be perfectly honest.... I like to think of myself as a warrior. Sure, I embarrassed myself and made the situation a lot worse for everyone than it had to be. But through my rage-induced outburst, the buffalo was slain.
So... "Fuck you, ham-beast!", I'm a warrior of righteousness and justice and you are an filthy buffalo whichs eats seafood from a giant bucket.