[Domination] is the desire to exert control over a consenting partner
for the purpose of mutual gratification.
First, you should know that there is no "right" way to be a dominant.
How you express your domination is as individual as your fingerprints.
You may choose to be strict and demanding, gentle and nurturing, or
any combination in between. One style isn't better than another.
Domination is an extension of your unique personality.
I remember when I first began exploring domination. I had some vague
notion about what it was but no real information. From what I observed
in others, I came to the conclusion that I was supposed to be haughty,
uncaring, selfish, demanding and unforgiving. I watched as other
"dominants" used the vulnerabilities of submissives to their own
selfish ends. None of these traits were part of my character, but I
tried to force them into my personality under the assumption that this
is the way dominants must be. That didn't last. I couldn't sustain for
long the mask of something I was not, so I began searching for
information from experienced dominants. I devoured fiction and
non-fiction alike. While the novels were enjoyable, I knew they were
only a fantasy conceived in the mind of the author and
I had enough wits about me not to try to translate those stories into reality. It was the books of experienced real-life dominants that showed me my domination wasn't defined by what I did, but by what I am. Armed with this insight, I realized that it takes more than carrying a flogger or adding the word "Master" to your chat channel nick to be a dominant. It takes work.
Each of us is attracted to the world of domination for our own
reasons. For some, it is a way to spice up the bedroom. Others see it
as an opportunity to increase their chances to "get some." Still
others use it as a way to escape the hum-drum realities of their life,
playing a role much as one would in a game of "Dungeons and Dragons."
For a very small percentage of dominants, it is their nature. To them,
it isn't a game or a role they put on and take off. It's not something
that goes away when the computer is turned off or when the play party
is over. It is what they are.
Whatever your motivation, understand something clearly: being a
dominant requires you to be in control of yourself before you can ever
hope to safely and successfully be in control of another. The
submissive, quite literally, will be placing his/her life and
emotional health into your hands. It is a tremendous responsibility
you need to consider very carefully. This lifestyle isn't for
everyone, and I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on what
motivates your domination. If you are looking for an easy relationship
where you are the unquestioned boss, you are in for disappointment. If
you aren't motivated to give as much to the relationship as you
receive (emotionally as well as physically), you are likely doomed to
failure. D/s is a power exchange, which means that all involved give
one-hundred percent of themselves. If you are not prepared to do that,
I suggest that you not waste your time.
~*~
Many have wondered what is a Master.
A Master, to me, is someone who cares for their other half more than they care for themselves in truth.
A Master puts His sub's needs and feelings ahead of His own.
There are many things that make a Master but these are among the most important.
A Master is of two minds, one His, the other His sub's. He knows the
needs of His sub and does what He believes to be best for that sub. He spends many hours thinking of what is best for His sub and how it is best accomplished to meet both their needs.
A Master does not thrive in the idea of punishing His sub when she/he
has strayed from the path they were to follow. Instead, he feels the
pain that He knows must be inflicted in order to stress the wrong that
was done. Doing the punishing, only because He knows it is part of His responsibility, not something that He will derive pleasure from.
A Master brings pleasure to His sub, knowing that He will receive
pleasure back many times greater than He has given to His sub. He
shows the sub how to receive greater pleasure than the sub has ever
before known and in doing so, receives greater pleasure for Himself
from the action and reaction of His sub.
A Master is not just one who takes a sub and uses them up and then
moves on to the next sub.
A Master chooses his sub wisely, knowing
what he has to offer the sub and how in return He receives the
greatest gift A Master could ever receive from His sub.
These are the things my Master has shown me and in return has freely received my gift of Love, Respect, and Submission.
~*~
: Submissive (sub)
A person who surrenders control of herself to her dominant. The
submissive, while putty in the hands of a dominant whom she trusts and
respects, is likely to be independent and assertive in any other
arena. Her sexual submissive nature makes her no more vulnerable to
people hawking aluminum siding, encyclopedias or life insurance than
anyone else.
What is submission?
Submission is a word that we hear tossed around pretty often lately
but I often wonder if most people really understand what it means.
Being a "submissive" has become very popular in the D/s, BDSM fad that
is sweeping the chat rooms and websites. There's even a fashion and
cultural trend based on some of the facets of the BDSM lifestyle. You
can find collars and leather fetish items being worn by the rich and
famous or you can have dinner in one of New York's newest, trendy
restaurants that features all the trappings of the lifestyle dungeon,
complete with submissive waiters and waitresses. All of these things
are interesting and amusing but they are not a true picture of what
it's all about
Submission isn't a fad or a role playing game that we
see so often online and at clubs, and you aren't a submissive because
you like to be tied up and have kinky sex once in awhile.
So what is it? Submission is the act of surrendering some or all of
ones personal power to another person. It's allowing someone else to
control your body and behavior within certain preset limits. This must
be a willing act on the part of the submissive or the boundaries of
abuse have been crossed. The methods and levels of submission are
infinite. Each person must decide how much and how far this exchange
of power will go but the rules of "safe, sane and consensual" must
always apply.
Why does anyone do this?
If you asked a hundred people you'd probably get a hundred different
answers. For some it's a way to add a little more excitement to their
love life. For others there may be deep, psychological reasons that go
beyond my ability to understand. Based on my experience I believe
there are three distinct types individuals who fall into the
definition of submissive. Please understand that these are my OWN
definitions and not some standard issued by the D/s community.
1.
The sexual submissive. Also known as a bottom or sensual sub.
This type of submissive is into it mainly for the sexual gratification
derived from some of the activities practiced in BDSM. Once their
needs are met they no longer feel a need to submit or surrender any
other personal power or control.
2.
The psychological submissive. This group contains many of the
masochistic submissives. They are into it for the pain, punishment and
humiliation often inflicted on them by more sadistic dominants. Many
abused individuals often end up in this category and are not actually
submissives but may have emotional problems that keep them in the
"victim" mode because of their previous experiences.
3.
The natural submissive. Also called true submissive. This type
of individual seems to have been born submissive. It goes beyond the
sexual aspects of the BDSM and is a normal part of their makeup. It is
their nature to please others and readily relinquish their personal
power with little or no urging from their dominant.
Which one is right?
All of them or none of them, depending on your views. Each person must
do what is right and fulfilling for them. There have been countless,
needless argument over who is and who is not a "real" submissive. Some
start out as a sensual sub with little interest in pleasing anyone but
themselves and end up growing into some of the most beautiful
submissives in our lifestyle. It's not the right of anyone to judge
who is and isn't submissive based on what activities satisfy them or
how many scars or piercings they may have. Submission is a condition
of the heart and only the individual knows what is in theirs.
To me, my submission isn't unnatural, nor is it sick or twisted. It
just is. It's normal in most species and I believe that humans are no
different. It's important to understand that I see a big difference
between being a "submissive" and being a "bottom." A bottom is someone
who will, for sexual gratification, become submissive for a given
period of time, i.e. for a sexual encounter in the bedroom or during a
BDSM scene. They have no other desire to continue a power exchange
beyond the confines of a particular scene. Many can easily switch
roles in these scenes and become the top or dominant. This is very
different from a natural submissive who, by nature, has submissive
desires that are not limited to sexual activities.
Some Different Terms
I'd like to bring up another "touchy" subject to some lifestylers and
that is the difference between BDSM and D/s. BDSM has been defined as
B-D-S-M with the "B-D" being bondage/discipline, the "D-S" meaning
dominance/submissio n and the "S-M" for sadism/masochism. Some consider
all these terms to be interchangeable definitions and activities but I
think it's very misleading to most novices. D/s does not fit in with
the other terms for one major reason. Domination/submissi on is a
description of a lifestyle. BD and SM are two things people do. Some
D/s couples readily accept these two activities as part of their
relationship but a large percent of D/s couples do not embrace
activities that are based on giving or receiving pain.
what separates the masochist from the submissive?
My answer would have to be motivation. A submissive is motivated by
the desire to please and to serve. When pain becomes necessary for
satisfaction or fulfillment, the relationship has moved beyond my
definition of the D/s lifestyle and had moved more toward S/M. When
pain becomes the motivation and gratification comes from receiving
pain, the person could best be described as a masochist. This
difference is often evident in the behavior of these two types of
personalities. A SAMmy (Smart Ass Masochist) deliberately misbehaves
or challenges their dominant in order to receive the punishment (pain
or humiliation) they crave. Outside the confines of a scene or other
sexual encounter there may be very little submission evidenced in the
relatio
relationship. A submissive (one who desires to submit) is constantly
striving to improve their behavior in order to please their dominant
by surrendering to his/her rules and expectations. Submission, in the
confines of a D/s relationship, is not measured by the amount of pain
one can endure, instead it is measured by the amount of control one
has relinquished to their dominant.
Is one better than the other?
No, not to anyone but the people in the relationship. Just keep in
mind that pain or bondage are not the basis for determining a
dominant/submissive relationship. It's based on a power exchange and
not the trappings of the people involved. Don't automatically assume
all submissives want or need to feel discomfort or pain (beyond erotic
pain) to experience submissive tendencies and desire to relinquish
control.
Here are just a few facts about submission that might give you some
more insight.
Submission occurs in both males and females in about equal
proportions. Although men and women may express it differently, they
share this trait. 1,2
*
Submission is not a sign of weakness or inferiority. Some of the
strongest, most successful people in our society are submissive in
their personal relationships. 3
*
Submission does not indicate lack of intelligence or motivation.
Most submissives are very intelligent, creative and are highly
motivated people. 3
Submission is not a hidden desire for pain or humiliation. Some
masochistic people may turn to the D/s or BDSM lifestyle in order to
fulfill their needs for these things but there are many more gentle,
loving individuals who are quite happy not to receive either
humiliation or pain. 5
*
Submission is not the same as passivity. Submissives are not
passive. They participate actively and are thinking individuals. 3,5
Submission is not something that can be demanded or forced. The
definition of the word means it is a willing act. A submissive submits
because they have chosen to do so, not because someone forced them. 5
*
Submission is not a miserable state of existence. Most
submissives are happy, well balanced people who are simply fulfilling
their nature. 5
*
Submission is not slavery. All slaves are submissive but not all
submissives are slaves. A submissive has not given up their right to
choose but has given some of those choices to another to make for
them. They have input into their relationship and maintain their
identity. 5
*
Submission does not indicate sexual promiscuity. Submissives are
not sex crazed nymphomaniacs who cannot control their drives. Most are
husbands or wives, mothers or fathers, friends, neighbors, workers, or
family members who have a need to relinquish control of some aspects
of their lives to someone they trust. It isn't a sex thing...it's a
condition of the heart. 4
Reality or Fantasy?
Far too many people have formed their ideas about submission and
submissives from such books as "Story of O" by Pauline Réage, "The
Beauty Trilogy" by Ann Rice, or the Gorean novels by John Norman.
While these books may be interesting works and very erotic to many,
they are not a true picture of what the D/s lifestyle is about. While
many may have experienced the first stirrings of submissive feeling
while reading these books, fantasies such as "O" or "Beauty" don't
work well as a lifestyle. D/s is far more than a fantasy. It's a way
of life where many find fulfillment and peace for the first time in
their lives.
If you have these feelings and have often felt alone or overwhelmed by
them I hope it gives you a bit of comfort to know you're in good
company. There are others just like you who are healthy, happy and
functional individuals that are quite content to be called
"submissive. " Come and explore the information you will find on this
site and learn what it is that makes you tick. You just might find
you've found yourself somewhere along the way.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
since some one was good enough to send me this i tought i should share it to help those that wish to know more i have been in the life long time so helping is second nature
bless be
