The Life I Have Lived.... Blog by FckMyHeart
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So I dont know where to start this off at ... but this morning sounds real good. I watched the first most beautiful sunrise of my life n had a reflection on my life. Someone told me a few days ago when I found out who I am, let him know. He cant see this n maybe that will be my blessing ... but I know who I am now. I am NO longer afraid of me,the outside world or the people in it ... I am beautiful,passionate, loving, caring, alive. My heart is pure n truthful. Im gonna dig deeper into my past so those who know why this is being written, might understand what I did n an amazing soul that help me understand "That I am more than good enough for this world to see n know". This I dedicate to ... I am a women who survived the abuse of a man for 12 years. I wish sometimes for his sake I could say it was my fault but I know the difference now in a sick love n actual love. The first time he hit me, I was like wtf did I do. He said his lil ole apology n I forgave him. Then it got worse when I was working then I found out I was gonna have a baby n omg it got even worse to beating me with what ever he could a hammer, a pipe, the butt of a shotgun, when my son was a 1 year old he took him outside by his ankle n gave me 5 mins to get outside to get him or he would kill him, I took my son to my mother that night. I didnt have the guts to tell her what was happening cuz I thought I deserved it. He always told me that I wasnt good enough for anything or anyone. I was a prisoner inside my own life. But I handled the beatings n rapes until I was gonna have my daughter cuz now his favorite was the shotgun I dont know how many times it was in my face but I got so use to him beating me with it I knew where to move when he hit that my bruises would always be my secret. But my secret didnt last long .... when my last daughter was born, she was about 4 weeks old, he had stolen a .38 special with fiberglass bullets n I remember thinking good maybe he'll hurt himself. We went out to dinner n on our way back home he pull down the street from my mom's house pulled out the gun n put it to my head (he was thinking I can kill her n our kids our mine) I in that instant got a wind of boldness ... I laughed at him n god did it feel good. It only pissed him off but it was an inner strength I never know was there ... then I spoke up n said if you wanna kill me DO IT. I guess GOD heard me cuz my ex put the gun down to cock the hammer back down n he shot himself ... I remember telling my family when they came out let him die but even Im not that cold ... I only wish I had the guts before I would never have suffered the beatings or the raping HE WOULD NEVER HAD CONTROL OVER ME. We have been divorced for two years...I still hid behind a mask after that. Im not proud of it at all. N for that I am deeply sorry. I am a mother who would not sacrifice her children instead I sacrificed myself to ensure they would never know what a hand or object felt like. I am the girl who endured more than anyone should ever have too. Im the girl who finally felt the possibility of what real love could feel like. Im the girl who is no longer afraid to step outside n let the world see my scars. Im the girl who has only ever wanted to be something to someone. Im the girl who came clean because the words of a very special soul. Im the girl who will not lie now nor ever again. Im the girl who thought I was not worth the ground you walk on. Im the girl who in the last 3 months can to a point hold her head up n face the world. Everything happens for a reason ... maybe so or maybe our lives are already written in the stars. N its a life we cannot change or a life that we repeat until we get it right. If I could do it all over Id tell the truth so the possibility of the love I feel right now could be more. I am a kind,loving,gentle,sweet,amazing person if you get to know me ... just ask my kids. Thank you Jessa for giving me that boost last night to believe in myself. Thank you JussCuzZz for being a true friend to the end.
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