Thursday, October 21, 2004
How was I to know it would be the very last time I ever saw him. I caught my last glimpse as I peered into the rear view mirror, fighting back the encroaching tears as I drove away heading back home. Home, to California, which hadn't felt much like home ever since he left! Home, where the past two years of my life have been spent waiting, wanting, hoping and preparing for his return. Home, which now imprisons me for if I leave I may miss his call. Home, where he, "couldn't wait to come back to", and yet seems so easily forgotten for him. Home, which mocks me with all the reminders and momentos of what was, and what is never to be again.
Saying our, "until we meet again" farewells had become an expected and recurring event after each and every visit I made. Almost two years ago he had taken my advice to go back to his homeland in Canada to straighten his affairs and then return to California. My need for him to be an honorable man who was here in the States legally had, at that time, overpowered my fear of letting him go. Of course I had expected him to be successful in accomplishing his task to return and begin our life together. Finally!
I should have realized much sooner that I was fighting a loosing battle. All the hours I spent wanting, yearning, and running up horrendous phone bills... Waiting. Even traveling thousands of miles over two summers to go and visit him as often as my pocket book would allow. I even dragged my sons along on two such excursions during their summer break.
This was one of those occaisions... A car trip up to Edmonton, Alberta to pay him a visit. As usual the all too short 3 days we were together was filled with turmoil, tears, "family time", long hours of lovemaking, and then of course the lies.
Again I am driving away with all the hopes and dreams that his lies had filled me with. Choking back the sobs that threaten to burst forth from my lips, my ablility to qwell them came only from the misconception that we would soon finally be together. Soon!
Little did I know!
