MidnightMarauder the Nocturnal One's blog: "The Gemini Mind"

Waking up and realizing that you missed out on alot does something to a person whether it be from someone who never truly understood you, to a situation you "know" you shouldn't let get any further that saying hi.......when you wake up and finally realize that what you thought you saw was not what you see after you awoke......it's time to rethink things and maybe even change a few things

But that's just the begining in the state of awaking, things that you left blurry have cleared up either by you finally seeing the truth or by someone...or something else clearing a path for you and then you make a choice to either see them for what they truly are.....or since you have gotten used to them being blurry they go right back to that which in my case makes me the fool for doing that.....how many times can you be there through the crying,venting, and basically listening to their negativity and then have them turn around and say that they don't know you or care whether your there or not......please spare me your woe-as-me bullshit we all know that the world isn't as perfect as you or I want it to be no matter how many times you wish for a "Kazillion dollars" still won't make the problem go away.........the only thing I can (and have offered you) is my loyalty and respect....not to mention my time......which seems to be wasted on people who never even took the time to get to know me..........but saw what they "wanted to see" instead, while being sooo wraped up in their own soap opera

The truth is that either we choose to learn the lessons that we encounter or ignore them....and should you go at them alone then that's your fate and if it doesn't work out only "you" are to blame not anybody else

This morning I'm feeling a lil "funny"........not the "funny" that people are used to me being but the kind of "funny" that gets me thinking and then I have to write about it.....kinda like now.......................................

For the life of me I don't know what goes through people's minds sometimes....ask them what they want from you, you give it, they ask you to do this, it gets done, you both agree that there will always be open communication and there is (on your part) so what happens when you find yourself giving your all and never even receiving a thing?........changes happen that's what......how do you go from practically calling someone baby this and saying that you miss them and can't wait to see them......to go to nothing, not a phone call, e-mail, instance message, nothing you talk to eeeverybody else but them and they don't even know what's wrong with you, cause you have never even been brought up to their loved ones..........so after all the time that seems (now wasted) on them, one gets fed up to the point where that smile that stays on their face is gone and in place of it is a look that you never really want to see....the kind of look that makes you think twice b4 saying anything cause if you do you'll get your feelings hurt real quick. Last time I checked "trust" was a two way street so when I explained who was who, got rid of alot of things, hell even followed you to 2 other sites like myspace  for this to be the "thanx" that I get for doing all those things seems like you never really cared at all now I'm not the type to put my business out there but when you "like" someone and they give up all the space you can want just to show that what they told you from day one was and is the truth why go and be unreachable?....I know you got things going on and what not your still around not only to this site but the other two I followed you to as well, like I always told you even though you have concerns, questions, whatever that the only way you'll get the truth is to talk to ME about it cause I have no reason to lie to you and have never done so..........

And it's gotten to a point where if you keep on doing what your doing by placing me on the fence and leaving me alone when you "feel like" coming back (thinking I'm going to wait around just to get ignored) your going to be surprised when you find that where I once waited patiently is a message in the dust saying bye-bye even though I'm a patient man.....a "neglected patient man" is a hundred times worse

So what am I looking 4? I get asked this alot when people find out that I'm still single and that I"made it" this far in life with no kids.....you know alot of women say that there aren't any "Real men" anymore...but you know what there aren't any "Real women " cause they all talk about how they want this, and that but then when it comes they do something like.....(I don't know) stop talking to you or just completely duck and dodge you when making plans to see them or calling them.......This is what I'm looking for in a woman (ready?) the woman that I'll be with is a woman that knows who she is, inside and out,.......someone who knows how to be herself at all times (even in front of friends and family), who knows how to get my attention (though if you truly knew what gets my attention you never have to worry about that), a woman who's truly ready.....(let me say that again) "truly ready" to experience a love like no other and is ready to get my all each and everyday. I want a "Real Woman" to stand up for me as well as put me in my place whether I'm right or wrong, who is willing to step up and claim me, not play games having me to come find them.....like I said communication is the foundation to a healthy, long lasting relationship (where I come from if you want somebody you act like it) a woman that knows the pure value of true friendship and gives to the world everyday (not just days when it suits her)....one who listens to her own heart and not those of others who are not happy in their lives (this means family too)......and most important a "Real Woman" who knows that when I say I care, love or want to be with you that I'm with YOU and no one else, as well as comes to me when there is something on her mind and not draw any conclusions on her own about how I'll respond or......whatever

There it is like I said b4 I'm feeling a little off right now so some of this may not make sense but those of you who really know me...know that what I wrote is what I truly feel (you know who you are).....for those "smart asses" that always have something to say that doesn't even pertain to the subject and is not even cute....this is not the time for you to try and be funny, for this is a serious subject and is meant just as it's written ( I suggest that if you wanna write something foolish write it to me privately) for I'm not in the mood as of now or later.........

When you first meet that person that gets your attention (like no other) wonderful things happen....all of a sudden you find yourself smiling more, pick your head up when you walk, start to "look" better to others around you....basically you get back into your life and get involved, cause you know that for whatever the reason you have someone that has brightened the "light" in you and made it shine again. for months you two share everything about each other from likes to your dislikes, your goals as well as what you fear......the two of you make an instant, beautiful connection that it gets harder and harder to get off the phone or leave the other's sight and thought you hold back while your spending time with this someone what you don't see is that lil by lil you start to let down your guard and fall for them (sometimes even when we do "see" it we don't care) cause we're soooo wrapped up in the feeling that we are thought of and cared about on a regular basis......

So why do things fall apart and crumble like it always stood on shaky ground?.....well here's my take on it (and please feel free to give your input....which for some I don't even have to ask...lol) it's a thing that we've all been doing since we were kids, and still do to this day.....Lose Interest..........as much as you sit there and try to deny it, you and I know it's true cause we've all done it maybe not consciously but subconsciously it's been done by us and to us......think about it when we were kids (those who can't remember then look at your own kids) when something caught our attention there was nothing in the world to stop us from having whatever it was, taking our focus and throwing it into a tailspin (see where I'm going?) now if you remember what happen after you got that what you desired most and had "your fun" with it.........(I'll wait)........yep exactly you lost interest and stopped playin with it entirely and moved on to the next thing that came along. Were not kids anymore...(well some of us anyway) and as adults we tend to do this more than we realize, some times after it's too late, so my point is this if your taking the time to get to know someone.....anyone and you "know" that your attention span is a mili-second stop everything there and let go cause if you know who you are(personality wise) then there's no point of "pretending" to like me, getting me all thinking about you all the time, and wanting to be with you, only to be brought down like a flaming rock....trying to destroying the light you helped shine again. You've heard the phrase.....what doesn't kill you.......(or in a Gemini's case) what doesn't "kill" the Gemini....makes the Gemini stronger

One of the many things we do after we chase and chase and finally catch and have fun for awhile is stop communicating...you go from being able to "always" reach them to barely if not reaching them at all instead you talk to their mother sooo much that even she stops answering cause she doesn't want to see us get hurt anymore. So what do you do? go back to the person you was b4 you met them?.....hell no you spent too much time and energy to get out of that hole so why put yourself back in it?....besides (and this is why I strongly believe in Karma) while you were enjoying the transformation that was happening to you with the person that helped? make it happen....there was somebody watching you and hoping they get the chance to one day tell you they've been watching you but didn't know how to approach you.....in fact your turn-around has given them the courage to come to you and tell you such things.....now you'd think that the cycle could repeat itself but with that transformation came an improved sense of awareness that helps you see things that you didn't see before.........

Plain and simple when someone brings you back from despair then lets you go.......don't worry cause there is "always" someone out there to never let you fall again unless they are falling with you

We are all taught lessons throughout life.....some by choice and others by fate, it takes a wise individual to not only survive these encounters but to learn and give back what was given to them

You go throughout life learning and experiencing knowledge (good as well as bad) and depending on what you take from it, shapes you into the person you'll ultimately become. There are some who have these experiences upon them only to not truly learn from it, instead they see it as some form of payback for all years they were without it and now seek out to claim the rest of it as their own not caring about who they hurt in the process.....now some will say I'm doing this for my kids sake and to show them that only the "weak" give up the chance to strike when the opportunity comes around.........funny thing about knowledge,the moment you take it for granted is when you miss out on the chance of a lifetime and once it passes you by, the odds of it coming your way again are almost always 0

Which is why it's important to "give back" what the universe places in your life...........in other words "see a penny pick it up all the day you'll have good luck" has had more meaning to me than it ever did and I make sure to "replace" the pennies that I pick up cause someone else may need a lil luck to help them make it through 

What do you think is a measure of a man...some can answer quick without a second thought and some will have to get back to you when asked but lately.... (Well more often than most) we go by what we see rather than what's on the inside...you can have a great guy as a friend or whatever and the only thing that stops you from taking it further is the fact he hasn't shown you his "dark side" and it bothers you cause in the back of you mind your thinking here is this guy who has shown me more love than anyone else, for my kids as well (those who have kids) and you wanna know if something goes down will he be a "man" and stick out his chest to show his strength or will he cower and run away showing his weakness

I have many friends who think the above of me cause they see me smile all the time, do nice things and never raise my voice so they assume that I'm some sort of softie who can't fight much less defend my lady's honor when she is disrespected changing the way they think about me...even though they'll fight with you and tell you it doesn't matter but ladies we know when your feelings for us change.... that whole Alpha male shit stops us from letting you know that we know that you don't see us the way you used to......just because I choose not to show my strength by flexing my muscles but by being a true gentleman makes me weak in their eyes........

For years my "manhood" has been questioned by those who only wanted to see me explode, put me in a certain group, cause no matter what they to try and see that part of me they never do, so to appease their egos they come up with any excuse to make themselves feel better so if calling me a soft helps you sleep easy at night then so be it while the people who know the person I am and just want me get more than they'll ever will I've had this out with my other side years ago and I learned that even it's a very powerful force......anger never gets you anything good and it took me a while to understand why I was angry and how it was killing me lil by lil not just me but those who I held dear. It was only when I saw what it was doing to me (this is for those who don't think I know what they been through) that I learned to let go and after I did things made more sense. The hardest thing to do that we don't do when were in that state of anger is LISTEN (not only to ourselves but others) cause were so all in a rage that nothing gets through until after the destruction is over which by that time it's too late and end up losing "everything" we ever wanted life, love, and to be "truly" happy

Just cause you don't want to know more about me by what you have seen doesn't make me any less of a man in fact the next time you consider someone weak and not worth your time take a look at you own life and tell me is it any better?

This has been a long time coming so if anyone thinks that it's about them........then maybe you should look at yourself and think about who it is you done this to......in other words if you take this personally then maybe your not as innocent as you think.........

My state of mind lately has been.....one can say filled with thoughts of rage and vengeance....maybe because of my 24 hour work days.....hmm but even that is not an excuse but I'll tell you that these thoughts have always been there just that my subconscious has blocked them but with me being up for more than 48 hours with little sleep, where there were sunny skies......is now a raging storm that has grown over the past couple days and focused on this particular subject....and that is betrayal it's a feeling of the worse kind cause it's almost always done by ones you let into every fabric of your life only to have them be the one who stab you with your own sword right through your soul.........when this happens your at your lowest where you are shattered and don't even want to become whole again you're just in limbo not thinking about anything or anyone.......the only thing that remains is anger, rage, and malicious thoughts of vengeance.......the ones who sat and planned to turn on you have memory lapses....cause as they know your secrets you know theirs as well......now this always is not a good thing cause some have nothing to lose which makes it seem like they won but there is something greater out there that will deal with their betrayal......now for some it comes quick and others it takes a while.....and even sometime (though rare) that person sees the error of their ways and makes amends but even though we're all buddy-buddy and saying I love you again the scar of what they did will always be there and the friendship has suffered irreparable damage that over time dissolves completely.............

So this is to the ones who think that what they've done was "overlooked" and got away scot-free just because we hug and hang out again doesn't mean that you would want to be alone with me........cause I may forgive but I'll never forget.......so if your thinking what does he mean and who is he talking about......I'll leave you with some damn good advice you'd better take into consideration........not everyone you betray will be as lenient as I am so be careful "who" you turn against cause you'll never know what lurks beyond the surface....and because you didn't dig deep enough a very nasty and dark surprise will be waiting for you which will have you regretting ever knowing them.......................................

"Revenge is a sweet dish, best served cold....with a warm smile"

Been a while since last I was here and there's lots to get off my mind.......

Throughout our lives we go through life with tons of questions and little answers....some questions have easy answers while others may take months, years to learn their answers. And until those answers arrive we go about our lives wondering if the day will come when we'll learn the reason why we went through all the years of heartache.

My story is a bit different I have always been told I am an amazing guy and that any girl would be foolish to let someone like me slip away but here it is....once again approaching yet another Valentine's Day and the guy who is "amazing to almost everyone" is alone once again asking if I'll ever be able to give my love to a special woman who has been crying out for someone good to come in their life....bringing back the sunshine that was once there..... But to my friends the reason why I'm alone is to then it seems like I "look too hard" that I jump into things way too fast and end up putting pressure on the women(or putting all my eggs in one basket) cause.....well hell I don't know why they feel that way, I'm the kind of guy who plays hard and loves even harder,always has and makes time to listen and values input anytime....anywhere.

Another thing I'm asked is what are you looking for...and though most of you know what things I look for in a woman (ask me later) the one thing that trumps all others is the fact you are you are your "own woman" meaning one who doesn't have to seek approval from any man and can understand that I am (given the chance) there for you thru thick and thin,.....cause these days we often get used to handling "our" problems alone that we don't realize that we are not alone anymore in a relationship, what was once something we handled alone, we now have someone who wants to see us at our best as well as our worst, one who is there to support us when we get tired of fighting battles besides, two heads are better than one and having someone who you can talk things out with to face the day feels much better than doing it alone

What am I looking for in a girl.....hmmm this is where it gets a lil confusing see cause in one of my last blogs I wrote about being so close but so damn far away and one who responded to that appeared to give me hope but in the long run turned out to be the very thing I was talking about(who obviously wasn't paying attention) So here it is I'm looking 4 a woman who is not afraid of the love I have to give, a woman who will and wants to be a "constant" part of my life not one who comes in and out of my life every so often(that's the important one) someone who is not lazy when it comes to love and wants to be in love all the time. It's very hard to love someone when you're the only one that giving, showing, and meaning love when the other is not

All and all, I want to be given what I put out there completely without hesitation or regret......simple huh?

You would think that after all that has happened to me on this journey that I would give up (which is what some of you are thinking I would do) but if I did that then I wouldn't have learned a thing.....I've seen how love effects those it touches and how it makes even the hardest of heads believe.....so no matter how many more Valentine's I spend alone or holiday seasons (for that matter) I will continue to be.......a Hopeless Romantic who is just looking for somebody to love me like I would love them.....with all my being..........

It's the way I am....I guess

I’ve always been curious about the world around me, which can explain my love for travel.....seeing different places, meeting new and exciting people and cultures, doing something different. I guess that’s what separates us from those who are never curious about their surroundings, always staying in one place...you know that ones who never wonder what’s on the other side the bridge..............

As far back as I can remember I always loved crossing bridges, seeing the "other side" to me it meant that I was going somewhere new , leaving the old life behind (even if it was for a lil while). I’ll always welcome change (hmph my resume can explain that better for me...lol). Case in point I recently ran into "the left turn when I should’ve made the right turn" and while she looked good (hell she’ll never stop looking good) but after talking for a minute something dawned on me...it was that she likes where she is, meaning that no matter what she’ll always live in same place, same town, with the same career, looking at the same faces forever.

Now some of you might say "what’s wrong with that"? and there are many things wrong with that thought (depends on which side you stand on). The left side would argue that staying in one place all there lives is an important foundation for the stabilization of family (which I’m all for don’t get me wrong), but there is a huge drawback to that way of thinking.....In a world of change you have chosen to not go along with the changing times, instead you decide to stay in one place where things never change for you in fact everything you do becomes stagnant, your moves become predictable, allowing "others" to change your path of advancement..........then there’s the right side the ones who want to see what’s on the other side, the daring ones who want constant change, growth.....those who don’t want to be oblivious to the world around them, never letting themselves become predictable and controlling their own path of advancement......I fall on the right side of that coin after talking with her I realized that if I had never let her go we’d be in the same state, same city, same county, never knowing what it’s like to see sunrises and sunsets on both sides of the Pacific and the Atlantic and though one day that’ll eventually happen (don’t remind me) I’d rather have been all over the world and then put down roots......having seen things rather than staying in one place for 30+ years then wanting to see places that are not around anymore.

Some people are afraid of what’s on the other side....wanting to stay in "there lil bubble" forever slowly watching their world come crashing down around them especially when it comes to those who can’t let go of their own past and want to do everything in their power to bring you down with them....but I refuse to let anyone but me control which way I go down my path....I’ll fight forever with anyone or anything that wants to see me suffer just cause they get lonely....they’ll end up fighting a losing battle. So for me I’ll always look forward to "crossing bridges" cause if you’re afraid on what’s the "other side" you’ll never see what your life could’ve become.

When you think you know someone...........only to find out you weren't even close

When you think you understand them...........then find out you never truly did

When you've been there for them time and time again........only to not care about you when you needed them cause what you had to say wasn't ever important to them

When you evolve into a different person after all of the hardships you faced.....to have them take all the credit like it was them that brought the change out in you

When they think they know you.......but they don't know that's what you let them continue to think cause they assume that what they think of you is right and no matter what you do they'll always have that vision of you. And when the time comes for you to move on to the next stage of your life nothing is more sweeter then the look on their faces when they realize that they never "truly knew" you cause while they were smiling in your face and patting you on the back, you've already seen them for what they really are, having observed, while you completed your evolution casting them aside...............

One of the hardest things in life (it seems) to do is let go or walk away from something that no matter what you do goes no where.....after all what you put up with hoping that by talking with them....they will actually listen to you but in the end you realize that you can't save someone who never listens to you (or their own heart).........

But that's just one side of the coin, in a relationship where in the beginning it was like a never-ending fire that drove you and had you experiencing things that you only dreamed of, ending up with a pile of ashes that will (despite you trying many times) will never catch fire again....ashes shows you how long you stuck around whether it be they were your first love or them being the only thing you've ever known, to a point where you see this going on for 7 years clearly wasting time and having the same result so what do you do?.....stay knowing that when that time comes where you "wake up" and see what you pretended not to see, cause that "NEED" of something good turned into this warped out and dangerous "WANT" that got out of control too fast....but those who are intoxicated lose their reasoning (no matter how much they say that they know what their doing) cause truth is if you knew what you were doing then why walk into the wall? cause you can?........show me someone who likes to walk into walls

That's the situation I'm in and by writing this I noticed that there comes a time when you have to say that's enough I can't do this anymore cause it will only hurt the both of us in the long run......some relationships/friendships you have to give up on cause no matter how much your there for them you never get what you give to them.....so as of now I'm letting go..................