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craigoo's blog: "words"

created on 10/31/2006  |  http://fubar.com/words/b19828

the facts

1. Where is your dad right now? MOTHERFUCKER! He’s in a grave! Jesus, you creep. 2. Last time you kissed someone? I accidentally kissed a gal’s shoulder last week. I felt her tiny bones with my lips. She’s my age, but it felt like she was 12. Very bad. 3. What is something you've learned about yourself recently? This life is a dream. I’ll wake up to a brighter day, a bluer sky. 4. what color is your watch? Wha- SOMEONE STOLE MY GODDAMN WATCH! 5. do you like anyone? Does myself count? Then no, no one. 6. Are you close to your mom? Not on purpose. 7. Where does your best friend work? The White House and the Lake of Fire. [Cheney’s got 2 jobs. He works hard for the money.] 8. What are you listening to right now? God is speaking to me. Some Led Zeppelin should scare him off. 9. What do you smell like? Like I was Amish. 10. What color are your pants? Pants? 11. Wanna go see ‘Borat’ with me tomorrow, around 2? Sure. 12. What color is your bedroom flooring? Cardboard. 13. Do you have a chair in your room? What is this, ‘Trading Spaces?’ Go fuck yourself, you nosy douche bag. 14. What time of day were you born? I try not to think about it. Worst day of my life. 15. Do you know anyone who is engaged? If I do I hope they reconsider. 16. What's your favorite number? Seriously, marriage turns you into an asshole. Be wary. 17. Do you know someone named Lori? No. Get away from me. 18. What color is your mom's hair? Snakes. 1,001 snakes. On her head. 19. Do you have a dog? I’ve seen pictures. Unimpressive bastards. 20. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid? Hell no. Are you insane? 21. When was the last time you went swimming? If you’ve ever felt even remotely like a human being, for the love of God, RETRACT YOUR QUERY!!!!! 22. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? Much like you, they don’t like me either. 23. Did you ever go to a camp as a child? I was sent to Aushwitz. It sucked. 24. Do you play an instrument? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. . . 25. Do you like fire? Are you fire? Cos I hate you. 26. Are you allergic to anything? Fat people in wheelchairs. Stop leaving the house, gang. You sicken us all. 27. When was the last time you cried? Have not stopped in 26 years. Sadness is in everything. Hitler probably had no ambitions of being the greatest villain of the twentieth century as a child, but he is. . . I can empathize with anybody. . . 28. Have you ever been to a spa? Maybe a spa would end my tears. 29. Are you usually this much of a baby? I will kill you, swear to god. 30. Did you take science all four years of high school? “High school?” “Science?” Do you live in fuckin France? I can punch a pig in the face like 60% of the time. I aced American schoolin. 31. Do you like butterflies? I wish I could be pretty. 32. You are not pretty. No, yeah, I know. 33. What is one thing you miss about your past? My voice, maybe. 34. Have you ever seen the school counselor? I *AM* the school counselor, Holmes! 35. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher I wanted to be a teacher, but more people wanted me to not be a teacher. I won’t say who exactly, but pretty much everyone ever was against me. 36. What is one thing you've learned about life? Jesus likes a good laugh. I mean, look at me. . . OK, that’s enough looking. 37. Are you jealous of anyone? I’m sure we all have areas that we need to work on. I would rather have my own issues than, say, some slut’s weird need to be sexy at all times. That’s gotta be exhausting. 38. Is anyone jealous of you? That’d be so lame. 39. Ever been stuck in an elevator? No one has. Elevators work. Quit perpetuating claustrophobia. 40. What does your dad call you? “Help me, son!! I can’t breathe down here!” [I miss my dad. . .] 41. What does your mom call you? Chirpy. I came from an crow’s egg. 42. What does you hair look like right now? I crack mirrors, windows, shiny book covers, door knobs, TVs, plastic and stainless steel just looking at it. Goddamn plastic. 43. Has a friend ever used you? Come on. That’s not funny. . . “Friend.” You’re ice cold. 44. Has anyone recently told you that they like you more than as a friend? Dude, are you gay? . . . That was vastly gay. 45. What have you eaten today? Toothpaste and ice. 46. Is your hair naturally curly or straight? Feathers. Born in egg. Listen. 47. Have you seen ‘Borat’ yet? I thought we were going tomorrow. 48. Who was the last person you drove with? Officer O’Brady. 49. What are you looking forward to? The end. 50. How are you today? Get off my property.
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