So after seeing Bill last night and talking to him about things that we both could understand, this is what I am going to explain to you, my friends.
What Bill noticed on his first meeting of my husband was something I thought ok, he just doesn't know him yet. Then a friend I had worked with who knows my husband Steve had also noticed that he has been more along the lines of a typical, asshole. And here I was thinking it was something minor. Nope. Not when you have a friend who can tell something isn't right on a first meeting, then you check with friends who know your spouse, then if THEY notice the same thing that someone who doesn't know the person says, then guess what? It's completely official.
I guess I had overlooked the attitude for a while because it was something I didn't want to believe for myself. Yes, if I am pushed ever so far, I can fight back. This time I didn't take the warnings lightly. All I know is that in the past couple of years he has changed, and I guess it's because of the fact that I resented him helping out his brother. Ok, I did resent that. I also resented the fact that our sister in law, called every time she had a problem (and he went running to help her since she wouldn't call her own husband) which still I wondered about. I resented a lot of things about three years ago. But then again I overlooked it all.
I won't say that there is any romance here because romance to me is when a guy for no reason at all, calls out of the blue and says I love you and brings home flowers for no reason at all. Romance is knowing that when it's just the two of you together, you know what works in the bedroom and what doesn't. The lack of romance in the bedroom is what can cause many problems in the end especially if you know there is a problem that your not willing to take care of yourself. You can't depend on the pills to help you out in that department. Don't blame me if your not able to stay on your diet because of something I want to eat all because you won't eat what I cook, or what I put into my favorite dinners. IF you don't like what I cook, that is fine, you cook dinner yourself.
If I had what I wanted I wouldn't be any happier. All I ever wanted was a husband who loved me with all of his heart, who understood things that were wrong without having to hear it explained to them, knowing that there is more to life than just sitting at home, listening to my heart when it aches. Knowing my every little thought without it being spokem, one glance and you know what comes next without hesitation, I wanted a husband who cared enough to see inside my heart and to tell me when something was on his mind, to not mumble under his breath something when he should just come out and say what's on his mind, and a man who would have moved heaven and earth to see me happy. I know that is so far-fetched. there can't really be a guy out there who would do all of that and more. Ok, maybe there is one.
Ok, I know the next question your all going to ask is if I am unhappy why do I stay? Well, it goes back to the I hate being alone blog.
Bill told me last night he wished I had married his cousin years ago. But I don't understand why. We both (his cousin and I) had a lot of issues we couldn't get past. Even I know that. Sure, he was the greatest guy in the world to me. Yes, he gave me practically what ever he thought I wanted, and yet, he also knew what my heart felt before I ever told him. I really do miss his cousin off and on, and like right now, I am going through the whole relationship with him again. He could tell if something was wrong with me even if I wasn't around him. That is how close his cousin Josh and I were. I think when he passed away in 1998, my heart knew it before I realized it. I wasn't there when he died, but even when I did find out he was gone, my heart shattered into a million pieces. This is something I had never told Bill. I went through severe shock for two days before I could even cry. And when I cried, It was like a dam had burst in the house. I kept asking myself why. Why did it have to be him? Why couldn't he have stayed on this earth a little longer? He deserved to be as happy as he could have been. But I know that Bill came back into my life for a reason. This wasn't just some coincidence I don't believe. What I think (and I do believe this so sorry if it sounds crazy here) is that his cousin saw my unhappiness in the past few years and realized I needed to have someone who would listen to me more than anything. I can remember the last conversation with him so vividly. It was ten years ago in April when I had last talked to him. But I can still remember the conversation we had. I don't remember though if I had told him I was engaged, but somehow I think he knew it himself.
SO, this is the blog I guess that was needed to clear my head. I don't think I will ever be as clear about my feelings as I wanted to be, and I guess it's going to take some off the wall miracle for things to change. Who knows.
