Juniper the Foxy's blog: "The Evolution Of Me"

I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but I'm about to shove my reality all up in your face.

If you see me as a happy, cheerful person... think again. You're wrong. Dead wrong.

Ever since I can remember, abuse has been the order of my days. My dad was a drunk. We all endured his booze-drenched yelling, name-calling, and physical violence. Police called to my childhood home more times than I can remember. Not only did I have to endure that, my older half-brother sexually molested me for years. I lived in a foster home for a time. I was later told that my father tried to sign away rights to myself and my sister because he never wanted us. My older half-sister ran away repeatedly. I bounced from relative to relative throughout my childhood. The only ones who seemed to want me were my maternal grandparents, because eventually my mother didn't want me either. My twin sister beat me up a lot. I was bullied unmercifully on a daily basis in school and on the bus. It was nothing to come home with goose eggs and bruises all over my face and head, my lip busted, swollen and bleeding. Boys didn't want to date me when I was older. I had no friends through most of my childhood. If a boy did act like he wanted to date me, he was either part of a huge practical joke, or dumped me if I didn't put out. I was the ugly duckling compared to my twin and my cousin, who both thought it was fun to be part of these jokes, or to create them. Later, I turned to drugs and practically threw myself at any guy who looked my way. I was skipping school a lot. I had my first child at the age of 19, and afterwards turned to alcohol in a futile attempt to drown my sorrows because I still wasn't what anybody wanted. Pretty much every guy I've been with has cheated on me. I've been abused in every possible way. My most recent attempt at a relationship was yet another epic failure. He cheated on me and treated me like shit.

I have come to the realization that I have developed psychiatric disorders because of my past. My heart is dead. I have no interest in socializing much. Sex and love mean nothing to me. Three failed marriages lie behind me. I have been told that I am impossible, that I am better off alone because I'm not girlfriend or wife material. I'm not mother material. I'm not even friend material.

Worthless, ugly, stupid, skank, crackwhore, lazy, horrible, retarded... I've been called all of these, and worse. I'm the worst lay anybody's ever had. Not fit to live. I should just step in front of a train or something. I have started pushing people away. You all deserve better than to be involved with something like me. I'll only drag and hold you down, and you'll end up miserable like I've apparently made all of my exes.

I'm so sorry I've ruined lives and let people down. It's not intentional, believe me.

Well, here I am. I've moved to St. Louis. Went yesterday and filled out paperwork for a job. Once the checks come back, I will be officially on payroll. As for school? I simply won't have time, what with eventually working two jobs, and my social obligations, I wouldn't be able to focus properly. Things in my life are changing. I'm hoping these are changes for the better. I'm becoming addicted to positivity, to companionship, to good people. I don't want to be shut up alone much anymore. That shit's for the birds. I'm vaping full-time now. One day I went out and forgot my vape pen at the house. I gave in to temptation and bought a pack of Marlboro Reds. They were horrible. Harsh, stale, just all around BAD. I forced myself to finish the pack, but even though the cravings for those analogs are still there, I am doing my absolute best not to give in. I'm starting to drink wine. I realize I prefer my wines sweet. The sweeter, the better. I drink a little now and then, but I'm nowhere near being a drunk or anything like that. I refuse to let it get that bad. I need to eat more and gain back a little bit of the weight I've lost. I was asked to please start eating more, and to gain some back by someone the other night who hadn't seen me in person in over six months. That same person also asked me to start gaming again, and has been talking to me every single day, a LOT, sending me pictures and telling me things. There could be an interest in me coming from that person, but until it's actually said, I have no idea. I do feel that plots are afoot where that person is concerned, but I don't know anything for sure. Apple Pie moonshine. 'Nuff said. I will have to be very careful with this stuff. Went last week to get a valid ID. And of course, as bad luck would have it, my picture turned out terrible. But hey, I'm legal. An official resident of STL.

Okay, off to game for a bit, I think. Levequests, storyline and side questing. Leveling. Hoping to gain a few more levels by the time a certain someone gets home from work. I think they will be pleasantly surprised that I'm perfectly capable of gaming solo. I can't wait until I'm maxed out and can start leveling other classes and doing dungeon runs.