Four walls,, dingey blueish indoor outdoor carpeting,,,just a room. As she looks around through tear filled eyes at the photos of her children on the walls and the chatchkies scattered here and there; her heart only grows heavier. Thoughts and memories of missed oppourtinities... a lifetime of bad choices. As she pours over picture after picture of her father she chases another pill with chug of diet pepsi. "What's the use?" she says aloud! She chases the pink with the little blues and reds....and more flat white rounds to dull the pain. She walks froms room to room weeping watching her children sleeping. and for a fleeting moment the pain eases. Things are feeling knumb now.. as she opens the bedroom door all the pain comes rushong back in waves of red ..searing hot ..blue and orange. Quickly she closes the door and begins to sob again. She makes her way down the hall to the den and collapes to the table. How did i go so wrong? I can't take one more day of the abuse, the pain,..the torture to my children. I know my mom will do a better job than I have. Before her are coloring books and notebooks and dozens of croyolas and markers. She fumbles through the mess till she finds a notebook.. her son's favorite, the one with spiderman on the cover, and begins to write a letter to her mother and children. Begging for forgiveness.. and telling them how much she loves them. With out even knowing it, she has been digging the cap to the pen into her thigh. Suddenly she feels her cat lick her bare foot ..and as she looks down there is a large puddle of blood where she has torn a two inch gash into her leg. To her surprise it actualy feels good.. the pain is like a realease. She hungers for more. She quickly finishes the note to her children and snaps a pick of her self with the digital camera..prints 3 copies.. and signs each one to her children with an i love you, i will always be with you. In the pantry she finds a length of fleece,...and walks out onto to the front porch. The night is cool and crisp,...the sky is clear. As she looks up to the stars she asks her father to forgive her for being weak.. and for god to have mercy. She sits on the porch rail... ties both ends securely... and dreams of freedom.. freedom at last.
