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The Concept of Love

I have reached a point in my life where I find myself questioning the validity of love. I have been burned so many times by the notion of "love" that it seems easier to throw away the concept altogether. I have tried and failed at relationships repeatedly. Not to mention having been abused, used, and pretty much had a part of my heart trampled on and metaphorically ripped out of my chest by a plethra of selfish men who have no problem taking everything that my heart had to offer all the while having no intention of reciprocating the affections. At what point do I finally say enough is enough? 

I think my last broken heart was just that.... my last. I  finally can say that there is no such thing as love. It was my breaking point.

In past relationships I  hesitated to put all my cards on the table and I made a point to only invest a portion of my heart in order to protect myself from the inevitable heartache that was so common with relationships. Over time I began to realize that I was cheating not only who I was with but also myself by not allowing my heart to commit fully to someone. Maybe the being burned and the heartache came from my own commitment issues. I spent a lot of time soul searching who I was and how my life experiences molded who I was as a woman and how I perceived "love" and relationships. I made a promise to myself that if I ever found "love" that there would be no holding back. For the first time I would invest myself 100%.... and I did. Yet in all my soul searching I never thought to figure in the possibility of being the only one willing to give it all... the only one willing to try to commit fully to the concept of love and forever. 

Through it all I learned two things....

By investing myself completely I fell  irrevocably in Love for the first and last time in my life.  Further more, I learned that no matter how much I love and how strong my love is for someone... I can't make them love, want, or care about me.

So now I sit here... alone and damaged to the point that my hurt shows from the inside out. I've become a walking portrait of what heartache looks like. It's come to the point that a lot of my friends have written me off as a hopeless emotional basketcase and everyone else just thinks I'm crazy.  In reality I am neither. I am simply a girl who finally learned how to love and because of that is now having to learn to live without it. 

You know.... there was a time in my life when I was that outgoing, bubbly girl that had somewhat of a belief in "Happily Ever After" and requitted love. I miss that girl sometimes... her innocence and happy oblivion free from rejection and heartache. 

She's gone and all I can do now is move forward, try not to let the scars show, and protect my heart from now on.

I used to believe in Love.... once.... just not anymore.

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