I am the world's worst procrastinator!
Wait a minute¡
if I'm the world' worst procrastinator......does that mean I suck at procrastinating?.....'Cause like,.....if you're the worst, that means you suck, right?
Well, I don't suck at procrastinating, so maybe Im the world's best procrastinator....
Because fa real fa real -- and yes, the extra fa real is necessary as it certainly conveys that not only am I for real, but I'm so for real that I developed a stutter in saying the shit...
I take procrastination to levels niggas didn¡¯t know occurred naturally on earf until my Black ass was born.
In fact, I procrastinate so much that I wasn't even gonna tell ya'll muhfuckas why until tomorrow.
But now... the shit has gone too far.
***oh and as a disclaimer, I need a colorful euphemism to take the place of the word suck -- that shit aint manly....like bubblebaths....but i digress***
anyway....
I was 270 when I came back here a year and a half ago....and as of late Ive been kicking my workouts up another notch. Preparing for a life changing event that shall remain a secret for now....but these jaunts into the world of fitness had me reminiscient about something.....
See, back in late Spring and early Summer of last year, I was preparing to go to Miami and I wanted to get my super-hottie on while I was there.
I had it all planned out:
See ive never been a fan of beer....but I clearly needed to lay off the Jack Daniels....so when i would go to all of these beer blasts, and pint nights, and 2 for 1's around at various MemphriKKKa service industry spots.....I would end up waaaay more hammered than whomever i was with....cuz while they are drinking beer......Im drinking whisky/bourbon....which is cool if thats your thing....but six beers later....my peeps, whether male or female were still cool....while six jack and cranberries w/a twist of lime later....Kav Boogie was not.the.hotness.
so anyway.....what to do? Well my favorite bartender at the time and ex jump off elizabeth (flying saucer downtown/columbian chick from NY--act like you bytches know) hipped me to this drink called hummingbird water....WTF????
*blank stare*
well that shit wasnt manly -- like bubble baths with scented jasmine moisturizing beads....so I refrained from the "tre homo-ing " of myself...and asked for a guiness....not good....not only was it liquid meatloaf.....that shyt gave me the shyts....
anyway....long story short....I was introduced to Wood Chuck Cider (one step up from Zima). i was cool with tha 'chuck' cuz I can drink it around my boys and still fill manly.....and trust me i was the worst beer drinker ever....Im the dude that would pour grenadine in my corona.....
laugh if you wnat....but them shits were delish....
but to a beer drinker....thats akin to riding a harley with elbow pads....
anyway....so I began to drink wood chuck.....and goot hooked....
so when the time came for Miami I put my plan into action....
First, I was gonna break down and start eating right..... I mean, I know wood chuck for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.. and dessert. and for multiple snacks throughout the course of the day. as well as after the midnight piss, ya know, just to help me get back to sleep quicker (*wink*)¡.
I know all that shit catches up with a muhfucka......
Like, my justification was that woodchuck is is like 90% carbonated water ... and water IS good for you, right? RIGHT??
Right...... So, with that fact established...... what's wrong with drinking water??
I damn sure got my 8 glasses of water daily fucking around with wood chuck.
And the other 10%??......Malt, Barley, Hops, Yeast.....Can you say Grain?
Five food groups bitches!!
I'm drinking some fuckin bread water!
Fuck a Aquafina... I drinks Alco-fina!
That shit must be good for you, right???
Wrong.
Man, I drank so much fuckin woodchuck, I got yeast infections in my mouth, throat, and belly button.
I was brushin my teeth with Monistat-7 just to keep the damn dough from growing!
Je blague.
And no, "blague" is not a Black blog in France¡ it's French for "just playin" an shit!
So anyway, this so-called healthy ass drink aka woodchuck is like 150 calories a bottle.
The shit adds up...... And add to that that this nigga right here has never met a Little Debbie oatmeal pie he doesn't like and has a secret love affair with them sexy ass McGriddles from McDonald's, and what do you get?
The thickness.... all about the belly region.
And that does not help one on one's quest to be the super-hottie that one desires to be.
Second, I'm sedentary.....I stole this word from my girl Nichole....big word....I like it..... Im even taking Lauren Vincent's cue and eatin carrot sticks and shit.....and..... Oh, I'll exercise my ass off.. for about three days straight.....
Then, that damn pavement starts talking to a nigga:
....Oh oh oh... you just gon' get up for the fourth day in a row and try to run on a muhfucka huh???
How them legs feel today nigga?
A little sore huh? ... And that wind? ... Be whippin that ass, don't it??
Maybe you should stay up in bed today.... rest up an shit.
In fact.... don't bring your ass out here no more..... or I really got some shit for you. ....SHIN SPLINTS!
How ya like me now??..
*I commence yawn and roll-over*
Damn. I just got punked by asphalt..
and it my own ass' fault.
Get it? Asphalt; ass' fault..???
Nevermind.
It is simply amazing how many excuses my mind can come up with when it's time to get up and work shit out.
And even as prolific as my swivel-hippin is..... that shit doesn't burn enough calories.....Additionally..... I'm skeetin out all the protein... which my body needs to help my muscles grow to be big and strong........Plus.......I ain't trying to stay up in that shit for an extended amount of time¡. a nigga ain't trying to pop a lung an' shit... I need them shits more than I need bigger biceps.
So what do you get when you add one part wood chuck and bad eating habits.....one part no exercise.....and two parts procrastinating ass dude who doesn't change either 'cause he'll change ....starting tomorrow???
I'll tell you what you get...the very thing I discovered this morning.
I lost my dizzle.
Its gone dude.... Kidnapped..... Like, "Have you seen this dizzle?".......on the back of milk cartons and shit.
Somebody Amber Alert my shit!!
This is a serious matter!!!
*lookin at Ena Esco*
Not AKA serious, much more serious than that!
LOL... Seriouser, in fact......
Man, I'm walking around singing Chi-Lites and MC Hammer talkin' bout "Have you seen it??"
Dude...... I got up this morning to take the obligatory morning piss that relieves that daily morning wood occurrence .... yes, morning wood is summarily deforested with a quick jaunt to the trusty commode ... and after I'd finished and my rain forest was now the fuckin Sahara, I began my day.
I took a shower.
I started to dry off with a nice, fluffy towel.
I looked down.
And all I saw was taco meat and belly beef.
Did my dizzle fall off? Shrink? Where did it go??
Perhaps I was bloated.......Yes! YES!!
The yeast from the wood chuck, combined with the processed ass shit they call sausage at McDonald's, swole me up like a summamabitch.
And I don't know how swollen summamabitches are.... but I was on that shit and then some.
I had to have been!........ That is the only rationale.
*sigh*
If only 'twas true.
The TRUTH is three-fold:
Fold 1 -- my stomach is on some Homer Simpson shit.
Fold 2 -- sleeping in the cold is some good ass sleep because it makes the bed that much more the shit.
However, stepping out the shower into some cold ass air causes vast quantaties of shrinkage to be induced upon the dizzle. Not a good look.
Fold 3 -- that's the number of folds on the side of my stomach when I sit down. *smh*
So the mixing of the three led to a filed missing dizzle report. Lucky for me .. and for him too because the last thing a dizzle needs is to be left unattended and lost..
all kinds of things could happen to it...
fat women, sick coochies, and gay men with open assholes are a few .. I found him before any danger could come about.
He told me he was just enjoying the shade that my big ass stomach provided.
That, dear friends, is all the motivation I needed.
I shall cast off the robe of procrastination and rejoice in its timely demise.
That's right....... I'm gonna exercise my ass off!
I'm gonna do crunches until muhfuckas call me Captain Crunchberry.
I'm gonna eat baked fish and chicken breasts and start drinking more Aquafina and less Alcofina.
I'm gonna beat my feet on the pavement so much you¡¯d think I was in Whitehaven's Marching Band or an extra in that movie Rize.... krumpin an' shit.
I looked at the scale this morning after the case of the missing dizzle and I weighed 211. 2-hundred-fuckin-11 on a 6'0" frame.
Doesn't sound too bad¡ far cry from 270 a year and a half ago......but tell that to my dizzle's new vacation home under the Brutha Belly Bridge.
I'm gonna get in shape dammit!
My heart is gonna be strong as a damn ox.
My body will be Toni Tony TONED!
Heffas will be able to grate cheese on my abs!
All this and more!!
*ahem*
starting tomorrow
*yawn*
*commence roll over*
that is all....
