90 days Again
An addict name Carlton. I want to thank God for letting me do it again. Yeah I was here 2 times already. Each time I did not have the information (a 12-step program) to keep my will going. I can honestly say since it was not God’s will I see why I did not stick around each time. Not so today, I got the power to keep me here, my God, a basic text, and a fellowship.
When I was trying to stay clean the previous two times I had to feel my way around in the dark for the light switch. This time I can see where clarity is. It is solely in me today. I get my guidance solely from a 12-step program, the books, my sponsor, the fellowship and most importantly God. I can never rely on fear to lead my life. Shit I done that for a long enough. I was fearful of many things. These were the things that were not going to hurt me, but I let my disease tell me different. I should be running away from success. I should be running away from moral values. I should be running away from responsibility. I should be definitely running away from the higher power. Never once could I step out on blind faith, until I was I forced to.
I was always hustling one thing or another in order to survive. After awhile I was doing like wise to get high. Shit I was the type of addict when I became desperate for that nose candy. I needed one just for the courage to do something about my desperation. If I did not have it, I would hook up with a co-dependant, who I would pay in the end just to watch my back. When a moment of clarity surface I would get mad of course because some times the price I paid was embarrassing. I was too self-centered to realize, if I never wanted what I thought would ease the pain. I would not have experienced some type of shit that would make fiend for more to erase the present pain. When I felt hurt, my emotions would drag race with my feelings. I did not want to feel my so call friends betrayed me. Never realizing I was an excellent opportunity for them and their was not any friendship involved. For a long time I stacked more shit on top of the shit I already soaring to the ceiling. My people love the way I thought I was doing something right or they loved how kind I was. They knew I was incapable of handling my hunger. They realized and appreciated I was their personal sucker. They would protect me from others, who would warn me, so they could replace them. They would fight over who hung with me; because they knew I was too kind hearted. More like a naïve child just learning how to get high, who would fall for anything, because I knew nothing? I thought in actuality I was doing something different to avoid getting my ass handed to me for a hefty price. Yeah, it was different all right, another game for me to learn. I never found out how to avoid being one of the pieces being lead around the board to the finish line. I was constantly giving and getting nothing in return. Might as well say I declared them the winner, because I could never seem to finish what I started. I was always willing to buy and true be told I used less then I thought I should have. I was like a house in the middle of a crack neighborhood, with the door wide open, minus the neighbors. I think I loved being robbed. We as addicts love the drama, it help feed the disease the realness of our dumbness. We perform the same routines looking for a different response and feel we should get it. I use to believe my out come would be different, especially if I avoided certain people. To no prevail nothing changed, but the faces. I was always under the assumption maybe I ran my mouth too much because I was happy I had someone who was just like me. Little did I know the only thing we had in comment was we got high. In his eyes I was the victim and he was glad of it. Once I lost all confidence in clowns that ran the zoo instead of performed at the circus, I stopped purchasing tickets for a no show performance. I got tired of getting several tickets, one to get in, see no animals, but have someone with me who swore to God they was there the day before and then want to get paid, because his time isn’t free. I thought I had a friend with me not a tour guide. Some thing is always fucked up when you buying drugs, but someone who didn’t have a penny in that nickel get higher and more then you. To me that is like grand theft narcotics.
One thing a thief hate, I am talking about myself, is to be robbed by another thief. Be it volunteer or victimized. I was always a thief, whether it was petty larceny or grand theft, cut and dry I was a thief. I had no problem justifying it. To me I was Robin Hood. However, in actuality I was robbing the hood. I would rob friends of course and strangers without any concern to their feelings. I rational, mine was the only emotion that mattered. I ready hate the way I failed to identify myself on my friendship applications. The disease told me I did not have to admit to my friends I would baffle them with my cunningness. Hell I should be more then happy I have not been locked up, but that was the least of my worries. I should have been more worried about getting my ass kicked or killed. The disease said being caught was not an option. If I thought I was caught the disease said calmly, LIE. I could be caught on VIDEO TAPE robbing the bank. I would literally go to court and announce to the world I was NOT GUILTY. I have done it with a stern voice and straight face many of times. All the while I was sneakier then a snake. It was no shame to my game. I was compulsive with this shit. I would steal the rattle off a snake’s tail while he coiled up ready to attack. Let my insane thinking tell it, it was making to much noise anyway. If he were paying attention, I would not have gotten him. In addition, if someone would hold it straight I would try to fuck it to, because I was a whore that loves to steal women from men and woman, just for the fuck of it.
I remember I use to rob women, especially my baby mother. I waited until she was in the hospital or at work once. I took her ATM and spend her money as if it was mine. The worst part I got mad at her when she questioned me about it. That was her money and I was so compulsive with my obsession about having money to spend my family could go hungry, I justified it with my insane thinking ass, I had to look good we could get food from anyone in her family. They not going to see US go hungry or homeless. God knows I was not into no paying back or payback. What right did I have to her money? She was my girl and she should have been willing to share, because I did not have any and she was stashing the money I had been giving her. This is just some of the insanity that I tortured my peeps with. Mind now this wasn’t my money so what fuckin right did I have to throw her out my house when she gave me some bounce checks and fucked up my account? Only got back what I did to her many relationships after her and I had the child and spreaded seas between us. The worst think I was going to whip her ass in front of boyfriend. That was some punk ass shit, but that was not the half of it. I had another one of children moms hold this person at bay with a knife I gave her to use. I ordered her to use it and taught her what to do. I had orchestrated the whole ordeal down to tossing her and my child out the door in the cold, especially after she called the cops. I really was so fucked up in the addiction and now my life style was dictating my using and spending, so she had threw a wedge in that process, I thought. I was truly living foul off the imagines tell lies to your vision was baby-sitting my mind with. I am so sorry for that time. I totally stung my growth, if was going to have any. I really paid for my action when I worshipped my disease’s need and not my families.
I can remember how my friend, who is dead now, went to his grave without ever being repaid and for all this man done for me. He was my friend and I was not one in return, because Shirley with her sweet impression on my nose told me fuck him. He will be all right. My boy was locked up, I was receiving a payment thru the mail monthly for him, and you know how the disease makes you feel invincible. Well I was ten times that and cunning. However, like a snake I was willing and able to slither quietly thru short or tall grass to get to where I want to go. In addition, I would bit anyone along the way. In the beginning, I was serving my supposed to be purpose, but I got overwhelmed with greed. My desire increased over the months and my commitment decreased to nothing in the end. In addition, when I look this man appeared out of nowhere and I am under the assumption I am going to be killed by someone who probably should have looked like DeBo from Friday. I was shaken that morning and did not know what to do. Here I was doing my usual, fucking up the rest of morning from the night before. In addition, although I had some left I was not ready to depart with that. However, all turned out I seen what I saw and I ran with it. My boy was sickly and I took advantage of our friendship with promises to pay him back. The whole time the disease was teasing me with the thought of violence from his brother, who should have been mad, because it was his brother. He was mad, because he was not trusted like me. He would have done what I did from day one. That really hurt the shit out of my boy and he expressed his gratitude by not being the friend he use to be. He change over night and once again, I got mad. Here I go with my insane thoughts; he had no reason to hound me for money, product, or anything anytime he saw me. My thinking was more insane now that he was home. This man could have killed me, had I killed or whomever he sent would have been killed. I think him and his brother knew this. They being crack heads played a major part, because they use the “we are friends excuse”. Probably so, but in the back of their mind, they knew I was just as dangerous as they was. They knew it would have been no cakewalk, because I was always armed or had something that would have drew a family gathering to hear a will or split up insurance money. Moreover, vice versa for real. In actuality, we were scared and each of us was glad of it. They might not admit it, but I can. I am Sorry Black. It won’t happen to you again Black, of course, but I am saying today I won’t allow myself to do it to another person either and that is not just for today, but every day God blesses me to see another day.
Now this one was a simple robbery. I was mean with this obsession when it came to the opposite sex. I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone feelings I conned and charmed into tricking for me, paying me their pay check after they slaved, or just paid me because they felt they wasn’t going to be loved by me or continue to get fucked. Shit I already fucked them over enough after I think about it. I thank god for low self esteem women, due to poor either up bringing, being raped, molestation, or they validating their own self lower then shit. I seemed to dine on that shit, as flies do shit. Now I really found out I was not shit back then and I wish I was actuality raised better. Family might think they did, but if they would have told me why they was grooming me the way they was, I would have thought they was doing it for control issues they were suffering from. Hell I would have noticed the sickness I was going to suffer from and not justify its use and continue as if everything was normal. I have many moral defects that do not only explain my character just because it showed up.
I had a woman one time that was like chocolate syrup. She was sweet as anyone woman I encountered. She had my back for over 18 years now. She was there thru out and when she was not she would appear like an angel. I never knew I would find her in time of the disease’s need. I was convinced I had a dummy, because she really did not know what addiction was and the whole 18 years I known her I was an active addict. I think I used her to the point she became immune and never paid attention to my wants, because I always lied about my needs. However, I protected her from people and my addiction as a goalie does a net for his team. I shielded her in the beginning, but then I lost her. Then she returned years later and the disease said trap this bitch or die. I obeyed and used the shit out of her. I used her to the point I caused her to lose a place to live, first it was the lights, because I was not using any of the money for he bills. In the beginning the rent bailey was paid, if she had an over excellent week. Then I would share with the rent man, once I spared a little for food. I had to mask up, because she was not suppose to know she was drugging and was not getting high. I would literally alcohol her down until her mind was out of order like a toilet in a stall. The whole time she was with me, I was not only shielding her from addiction, because I was not sharing and was not going to allow her to come between her check and me. I was sometimes mean to her; because she was not getting drunk quick enough so she would pass out and I could go on the prowl. Sometimes when she was up I just said fuck it, go and when I returned I would hold the bathroom hostage. Then when she looks, I was blowing her back out, because coke was like Spanish fly and it made me super horny.
I lost her to the act of addiction anyway, but she got her moment of clarity and ran with it. I found out when I lost control the lost fed her to the wolves. She admitted to me years ago she was getting high. She reached out and I immediately got some type of hold on her or lease I thought, but her having a child recently and remembering how upset I was made her realize she was not cut out for that life. How she got consume with the drugs was I told her one day she alto meet someone else, who could take care of her. Shit, I did, but this was not for getting high anymore. I thought I was doing something by hooking up with someone I knew just as long as her and had to chance to get with her. In addition, I knew or thought the only way I could get with her, if I cleaned up my act. That was all wrong I was going to get clean just to get some pussy so I told shorty, she had break. Hell everything was falling apart anyway so I justified I was saving her from the downfall, which was only me not trying to harm her anymore. Moreover, I just knew life was going to be different, because one time before when I got clean I had done it with help of a woman, who sponsored me and 13th stepped me at the same time. In addition, that asshole was tight as catcher mitten. Don’t ask me what happen after that then and again you know what happen I kept building up my points to earn this sit in the rooms.
Until this day shorty never knew why I left her, but always knew it was my doing her wrong and she did nothing wrong. I am glad I told her and explained exactly all the details and she was not shock by what she finally learned. Not to mention the whole time all the players and evidence was right in front of her face. I had to make amends with her and I have not yet gotten to my step work, but it was time to put some closure to something that haunted her for eight year and worst her personal relationship with herself as well. Happily, she is fine now, with a new lease on life with some motivation in her life. I just hope the disease down creep in her life and make her feel it is not worth it. I am glad I was able to share my experiences, strengths, and hopes with her, because I really served her a plate of shit years ago. In addition, she is like all the victims; I knew she did not volunteer for my deception. She had no choice and I took advantage of that, I took advantage of actually being in love with me.
I really hate myself sometimes, but I also have to forgive myself and know that God has already. I just hope a lot of those I walked on will forgive me as well. I know they will never forget, I sure did not or else no one would be reading this.
Just for any day, I am blessed to see I will rearrange my compulsive obsessed insane thinking, so I do not include more victims. I can still harm people even though I am not using, because I will never be cured. I can better myself by arresting this disease. If I me able to see another Christmas, I would not care if I do not see a present under the tree with my name on it. I already have my presents: I got a rewarding, relationship with the God of my understanding. I am clean. I am learning how to still surrender and I am holding my serene hostage. I got uncanny knowledge that is ever so increasing. My fellowship includes a sponsor and spondee brothers. I have home groups that I can enjoy my serenity in. I could not think of how to accept this before. I would have changed this as fast as it took to gain these 90 days ago. Just imagine my journey started on June 26 and I am just getting 90 days November 9th. Tell yourself God is good, because I had been saying it all the time.
