Subliminal's blog: "Subliminal Lies"

Life is an interesting beast. One that will never be truly understand. While I am someone who doesn't believe in a single God, not even multiple gods, actually, I don't believe in anything, but we'll get into Nihilism later. The point is, sometimes there is a gravitational pull, so to speak, that keeps things from happening. Call it fate, god's will, whatever, I don't really care. I call it gravity, or magnetism. When you have a pair of magnets with the same poles, they repel one another. Get it? Got it? Good, let's get going.

The thing is, I find myself in a sticky situation... with a sticky situation in my life, and the poles have kept it from meeting for a month or so. Give or take. I don't know, time is not my forte. Time is an abstraction best left ignored, but anyways. I realised something just now. Well, half an hour ago...

I'm tired of dating, I'm tired of fucking indiscriminately (which is one reason I haven't done the latter in the year and a half I've been single... but that's a long story.)

The thing is, the catch, the real motherfucker is, they're in a position where settling down is not an option... It kinda sucks, I suppose, but it's just the way the chips have fallen, and there's nothing to be done about it, which really does rather suck. It just proves how little control, I or any one of us has. It's like trying to catch smoke.

Which brings about the question, or more, the theory... that If we have no control over our lives, in the grandest sense, then what's the point in trying? Show we just all jump off a pier? Or maybe, as I have over the past two yea... actually, the last 8-9 years... Just sit back with a smirk and let it go on by. There's no point in trying, if nothing we do matters in the end. So, what is there to do?

Just sit here alone, as I have for so long, and write, or do something else (fuck around online, as I do, talking to people who in the end, don't really give a shit), or do I find my old pro-active nature and try to change things. To change things that are unchangeable, that's the hard bit, but maybe it's worth it. It's interesting, I tell you. Should I continue searching for something meaningful online (hold your snickers, you bastards), something with the potential to develop into something real. I do equate the internet to dating. It weeds out the lunatics, psychos, morons, cunts, dildos, worthless fucks, emotionally dependent, whatever... it does, and it's worked for years. I haven't met someone in person, excluding Suzanne (but she wouldn't stop talking to me until I talked back. I liked the resilience. I respect it.)  ...nonetheless. The last significant other I met in reality? I was still a teenager, and I'm 27 now. The last would have to be... Sarah... but she was married, so that does not constitute a significant other. And before her, I reckon would have been Cari... who I kinda sorta met in reality and online. It's a very complicated story.

Nonetheless... well, wait. There was Britney... but I met her through Indy, who I met online. So, in a third-party sort of fashion, yes...

Ash and Des? My two longest relationships... no clue how long me and Des were together, but we never should've been together (another very long story, but with a happy ending), a year and a half or so... but anyways, me and ash... 2 years, met her online. Yet, she was a bit nuts. But that's a wicked weird story, and I don't care to get into it. Why? Because the story itself is pointless.

It's just interesting. To contemplate and theorise. I'm sick of the dating, I'm sick of the fucking anyone who'll say yes... I'm bloody tired of the hassle that has to do with relationships. I want to settle down with a girl a puppy a white picket fence and 2.5 kids... well, maybe not the kids, but nonetheless, you get the point. It's just. It's sad. In an abstract sort of way.

Because, at the same time I'm very proud that I've reached the age I have without popping off a kid, or getting into a loveless marriage. Et al. It could be very much worse. I could be stuck with Cari or Ash, married and wanting to kill myself, or have an affair. And now, I have the pseudo-wisdom to stay away from certain things, certain archetypes. Which I still find myself associating with, and surrounding myself with, which is interesting and pitiful in it's own right. I'm kind of stuck in a quagmyre with my life, and it's rather depressing. I know what I'm doing is wrong, it's not right. Not right for me, at the very least. The people I call acquaintances are not the people I want to know... But, the two people I call true and glorious Friends... Sarah and Suzie... are just the people I need in my life. But one lives a thousand miles away, and the other only knows people who're married.

I used to use my cat Tiger to weed out the undesirables. She was good, too. If she didn't like them, I politely kicked them to the curb without hesitation. But she's dead, and has been for 8 years. And in those 8 years? Dated nothing but douchebags or whores. For the most part. There were a couple who were actually worthwhile, but I left them because I was with Ash (you do the math) .... Kind of the story of my life, really. The night me and Cari finally got together, I'd been done with her games, and found someone actually worthwhile, and ditched her for the poisonous Cari... fascinating isn't it?

I do have a self-destructive personality, and I don't know how to fix it. Neither does anyone else. Or they're not willing to help. lol So, I'll have to do it on my own, or continue down the path... what a predicament.

But maybe it's time I start to try and figure something out. And it is certainly time to unplug from the interweb, and do something remotely productive, like Write.