Apache Kittens got Claws's blog: "The adventures of Mike"

Last year my dad was out at the golf course with his friends, when he sees *Manual (name changed due to small-town) hauling ass down the street. Pretty soon *Veronica appears behind him in her own car. Now, my dad knew that Manual was married, and Veronica was a few years older than I, so he put two and two together and realized they were headed to the park for a sexy rendezvous, so he says to the other five guys with him (who're drunk) "Let's head over yonder to the park. I've got an idea." So they head over to where the two are meeting, and wait patiently as *Veronica gets out of her car and joins *Manual in his truck then speeds off toward Plains. "Alright, y'all, let's go." So the six drunk men set out towards the car, carefully pick it up, and wedge it successfully between two trees, making entrance impossible. Then they resume their game of golf. About forty-five minutes later they hear 'Aghh!! Dammit!', and look over to see *Veronica with her legs sticking out of the trunk, attempting to (slowly) crawl in through the back as her paramour *Manual drives off.......

The night my dad met my first boyfriend, we were going to a dance. Junior (the boyfriend) came over to meet my family before going up to the middle school. My mother, grandfather, and grandmother all thought he was charming. They talked to him for a few minutes, then he and I went in the den to watch television. We sat on the couch watching the closest of the two televisions, and I grabbed his hand underneath the big hard pillow so nobody could see. I glanced over and smiled at him. Then, to my horror, my father walks in with a huge bloody knife, barely glances at Junior, and walks outside. Junior's fingers tightened slightly on mine, and I rolled my eyes to myself, looking back over at the television. My dad comes back in, still holding the huge knife in his hand, and stops at the foot of the couch, "You want me to use this on you?" while he looks directly at Junior. Junior lets go of my fingers, loses all color in his face, pops his eyes out of his head as wide as they'll go, and shakes his head no. "Da-aaad." He looks at me, Junior looks at me, my dad winks, Junior looks back at my dad, my dad scowls then leaves the room. I lean over to Junior, "He was just kidding." I wonder why we didn't last...

My dear old dad. I know, I know, you've heard quite a few. Trust me when I tell you with my dad there are always stories just waiting to be told. Before you read this, I should warn you. There's doodoo in it. I know y'all remember how I said my dad's stories start one of two ways "Well, I was bored..." or "Well I got to drinkin'...." This is the latter. Anyways, my father went to college. He was forbidden to live on campus after his first year (more on that later), so they moved into an old house. One night, his friend Petit went to sleep early while the rest of them stayed up drinking. Late that evening my dad gets bored (he was already drunk), so he tells his roommates, "I'munago over and sh*t in that corner." "Nuh uh!" They respond. Note to YOURself: Never tell Venus's father he won't do something, because he'll be hellbent on proving you wrong. My father takes a sack, goes to the corner, and proceeds to empty his colon. "You sh*tting?" His friend asks. "Uh, yeah." My father responds. "I'm going to wake up Petit!" The friend rushes down the hall and jumps at their sleeping amigo. "Wake up! Wake up! Mike's sh*tting in the corner!" "Leave me alone or I'll shoot you," comes the sleepy reply. He runs back in to the living room where my dad's just finishing up, and tells my dad. Eureeka! My dad has an idea. He rummages in the drawer to find another sack, blows it up, then twists the top. Satisfied, he happily trots in to Petit's room. "If you don't get up, I'm going to bust this bag of sh*t on your head." He threatens. "And I'll shoot you with my 22." Petit never opens his eyes. "I'll still bust it." My dad harrasses. "And I'll still shoot you." My father creeps up to Petit's head and yells, "Here!" then busts the sack. Petit jumps up half-naked and begins pulling his gun out from under the mattress, then runs down the hall, "MIKE!"

"Well, I was bored...." One of my fathers friends was going out of town and he had a show horse which he asked my father (who was getting his degree in range animal science) to look after him until he got back late in the week because the horse was going to be in a parade. The horse was a beauty. Long perfectly groomed hair, perfect form, etc. So, my father dutifully feeds the horse and checks on him each day. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, by Thursday my father is officially bored. He's sat in the corral staring at the horse, and suddenly thought, "I wonder what would happen if we put Nair on a horses tail?" Off he hurries to the store to purchase the Nair. He gets back, frantically opens the bottle, and slathers a generous amount to the horses tail. Then he waits... Sure enough, the hair had completely fallen out by the next morning, which was the day of the parade. My father sees the tail and dies laughing, 'It looked like a finger was sticking out of its butt!" He never did get to horse sit again.