joystravel's blog: "Thanksgiving"

The Pregnant Turkey One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey. She then stuffed the turkey again. She put the bird(s) back in the oven to cook. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Ode To A Turkey... Tis the night before Thanksgiving and all through our house No turkey is baking; I feel like a louse, For I am all nestled, so snug in my bed; I’m not gettin’ up and I’m not bakin’ bread. No pies in my oven, no cranberry sauce Cuz I give the orders, and I am the boss. When out in the kitchen, there arose such a clatter I almost got up to see what was the matter. As I drew in my head and was tossing around To the bed came my husband, he grimaced, he frowned. And laying his finger aside of his nose, He scared me to death and I thought, “Here he goes!” He spoke not a word as he threw back my quilt And the look that he gave was intended to wilt. So up to the ceiling my pillows he threw I knew I had had it, his face had turned blue. “You prancer, you dodger, you’re lazy, you vixen Out yonder in kitchen, Thanksgiving you’re fixin.” But he heard me explain, with my face in a pout: "I'm just plain too tired and we're eating out!"

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep... I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep. The leftovers beckoned...the dark meat and white, but I fought the temptation with all of my might. Tossing and turning with anticipation, the thought of a snack became infatuation. So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore. I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, stuffing with gravy, green beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground. I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees... Happy eating to all -- pass the cranberries, please.

WHY COLLEGE STUDENTS LIKE THANKSGIVING BREAK * You know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball. * Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper. * Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green jello. * After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper. * Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12x14 cell...Even if it is for only four days. * To eat your meals, the only trek you'll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall in below freezing weather. * Instead of listening to "When I first started teaching here..." you can be entertained by "When your mother was your age..." and "during the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have Brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!" * You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave. * You know the hair in the shower drain is your own. * You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

THE 12 DAYS OF THANKSGIVING On the First Day..... We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings. On the Second Day..... We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls. On the Third Day..... We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies. On the Fourth Day..... We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be celebrating Thanksgiving until April. On the Fifth Day..... We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked turkey carcass. On the Sixth Day..... We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental. On the Seventh Day..... We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza. On the Eighth Day..... The word ''vegetarian'' keeps popping into our heads. On the Ninth Day..... We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers. On the Tenth Day..... We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler. On the Eleventh Day..... We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight. On the Twelfth Day..... We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says, "Amen!"

OTHER WAYS TO USE THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY * As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with. * As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, "Aren't they a wonderful band!" for the 25th time. * As a hood ornament. * As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Harriet can't kiss you and say, "How much you've grown!" * As a football for the after-meal game. * One word... bowling! * Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun. * An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie. * A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from. * Bury in the yard; for future midnight snacks. * If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and asked the flight attendant for some chicken feed. * As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact. * As a gift/bribe for a professor. * As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!) * As a doorstop to keep your relatives out. * Makes a great doggie chew toy. * Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!" * Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature. * Secretly replace with Folgers turkey crystals. * Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking fowl! * Throw the turkey out the window yelling, "You're FREE! Fly! FLY!" * Two words: Turkey puppet. * Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year's stock. * Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you. * From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car. When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog! * As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.

Thanksgiving...Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't 10. "Just reach in and grab the giblets." 9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!" 8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!" 7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist." 6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!" 5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!" 4. "She's 5000 Lbs. fully inflated & it takes 15 men to hold her down." 3. "It's cool whip time!" 2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!" 1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out."

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you. 9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall. 8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis. 7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet. 6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July. 5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!" 4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else. 3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department. 2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt. 1. You're sweatin' gravy.