A holiday that should have been enjoyable and memorable, a completely genuine and innocent invitation turned into a childish need for attention and acceptance, a friendship built from shoutbox and pm conversations around shared hurt and hopeful compassion leaving nothing but a bitter taste in my pixeled mouth. Its sad when a person tries to reach out a hand and make somebody else's life just a little bit better, a person who only wants another to smile and know they are cared for then gets slapped in the face with that same intention.
As some of my true friends may know last year at Thanksgiving i lost my brother to suicide. It was an extremely heartbreaking experience for me as it would have been to anyone who had lost someone they loved. Well to this day i still hold a lot of guilt and pain about not being able to help him, i still feel like maybe if i had listened more or paid more attention to the signs that he would still be here today. My brother was my best friend, my protector, the one person in this world that knew all my flaws, all the bad things ive done and still looked at me and thought i could conquer the world. Needless to say this last year has been very hard for me and over this time i guess fubar and online friends has kind of been an escape from reality. This place has allowed me to express myself in ways im not able to with those in real life closest to me and because of this i have made a few very dear "friends" if you will.
One friend in particular i really latched onto especially these last few months because of the fact he reminded me so much of my brother. He listened to me when i was sad and he helped me get through some hard moments especially with the one year mark coming up. In turn i tried to help him in his hard moments, his struggle with depression in his own life. Perhaps in my mind i felt like maybe i could make up to my brother by saving him. Maybe i have a hero complex and even though i may want to help everyone, i need to realize thats just not possible and that maybe that kindness is being seen as something else. So as Thanksgiving is coming near i learn this friend was going to be alone and because of our friendship that saddened me...not knowing what his state of mind would be or how being alone would effect him so i offered an invitation to my home. Knowing it was a sad time for myself and it was just going to be me and my girls i thought it would be a nice gesture and in a way i felt maybe a sign that even in a small way my brother would be there even if in the spirit of someone who reminds me of him.
So it was a nice Thanksgiving and he was very sweet, i tried to make him feel as comfortable and at home as possible and he seemed as if he was genuinely thankful and appreciative of our friendship. I even introduced him to some of my friends and took him for a night on the town to make him smile and see that although things are sad sometimes that life is a wonderful thing when you surround yourself with people who care for you. It was time for him to go back home and as i hugged him i felt thankful for him coming and the distraction from what would have been a very sad time at my home and i felt confident that he had enjoyed the visit and life was as it should be.
This all sounds wonderful doesnt it but over the last couple weeks since Thanksgiving i realized that it doesnt always pay to be nice..that as innocent as something may have been to me or even him that assumptions will always be made, that a one sided observation will be taken as truth and then judged upon. I am a very private person and i dont agree with allowing others in on decisions made outside of the internet. This being said none of my online friends even knew that i had a mummer visit for the holiday, i personally didnt feel is was something that anyone needed to know BUT my friend felt different and so shared this with his friends and though i was hesitant figured oh well. I dont know what he told his friends , i dont know what they discussed or how it was made out to be him visiting. I do know that he has a crush on me but he also knows this is one sided and that he is only my FRIEND. Ive learned that he was wanting more of this visit and was hoping i would have feelings toward him after meeting but this was NEVER my intention...my invitation was out of friendship and friendship only. Ive also noticed that some are treating me different on here and giving me the cold shoulder, those that are his close friends and that is sad because i have done nothing but be a friend. Ive learned that apparently he feels like he did everything wrong and if he had acted different maybe i would have felt different but all this is ridiculous he is my FRIEND, i invited him to my home as a FRIEND, i treated him as nothing more than a FRIEND while he was here.
Im saddened that i tried to be a good friend to someone and now somehow im the bad guy and its childish. I do not blame this on him, i guess because of his own insecurities this has been allowed to evolve into something its not, if he is reading this i want him to know i am now and always will be his FRIEND and to stop feeling like he did everything wrong because it was never going to be anything to begin with. To those who formed the wrong idea and think i broke his heart just need to grow up and realize i didnt do anything but be honest, compassionate, caring and only a FRIEND. I have no control of what he was thinking or thought, no control as to how he may have seen or wanted things, no control as to how he in turn related that to his friends...we all only have control of ourselves.
Thanks for reading
